A Modest Proposal

Like many of you, I’ve been brooding about this whole BP “Oops we killed the Gulf of Mexico” thing, trying to figure out what should be done about it. I was betting on the super-cool diamond-saw-wielding robots to do the job, and now that they’ve failed, I’m pretty flummoxed.

Heidi Klum - another tragic victim of the BP oil spill.

But, after some consideration I’ve come up with a backup plan that is almost certainly foolproof – Japanese Yakuza Ninja Assassins. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. You know, I assume, that the Yakuza are the Japanese mob? They’re those fanatically loyal psychos who do whatever is necessary to accomplish their tasks, primarily because if they fail they have to chop off one of their finger joints. So here’s my thinking. Suppose we hired the Yakuza to chop off one of the BP CEO’s finger joints every week that passes until the leak is plugged. Wouldn’t that be excellent? Wouldn’t that just motivate the living shit out of Mr. Hayward and his company?

If we want to do this, I recommend that we do it quickly, before BP’s huge-ass lobbying effort has time to further corrupt our beloved leaders in Washington, DC. Frankly I think we should lop off a finger-joint of every politician who has taken a campaign donation from those clowns, but we’d probably run out of Yakuza.

P.S. Maybe it’s time the US government developed the technology and expertise to plug huge gaping oil leaks in the ocean floor when oil companies screw up? I’m just saying is all.

Yes, I Almost Died.

It’s true. On Memorial Day, my wife and I took a jaunt into Northern Maryland in my beloved Honda Accord, returning after a bumpy hundred-mile journey to discover that my front right passenger tire was missing some three out of five lug nuts – the posts were totally sheared off. The mechanic could offer no good reason why this happened, but he was rather impressed that the wheel hadn’t come off during the journey. (Thanks, Honda!)

I suspect foul play.

Clearly, my fearless blogging has irritated someone to the point where they’ve decided to silence me. I’m thinking it’s probably Joe Lieberman or Sarah Palin. Though come to think of it, if Palin wanted me dead she’d probably just chew my face off or shoot me from a helicopter; this kind of cowardly backstabbing attack is way more Lieberman’s style.

Well, kiss my ass, Joe. It didn’t work! And remember: if anything happens to me, that picture of you and the country ham in the Motel 6 goes straight to the Huffington Post!

Tags: BP, culture, Gulf of Mexico, Heidi Klum, humor, Joe Lieberman, oil spill, Sarah Palin, Yakuza