Editor’s Note: We interrupt our Olympic coverage due to the unfortunate fact that the Olympics have been over for some time. Coverage will resume shortly, we assure you.
Editor’s Other Note: We had planned to do a column titled “In Defense of Tiger Woods,” but then we remembered that we’re married and have to sleep some time. So instead we present this little number.
As you may know, we’re huge Dancing with the Stars fans. We love the music, the glitter, and the exceptionally healthy and attractive young women dressed in roughly one square foot of spandex. Last week the new contestants for the upcoming show were announced, and we’re extremely excited. Let’s take a look:
Pamela Anderson will bring many fine assets to Dancing With the Stars. Talent will not be one of them.
Pamela Anderson: Famous for being nekked in Playboy and running in slo-mo on Baywatch in like 1963, where she was out-acted by David Hasselhoff. In other words: talentless has-been ‘ho. We fear for her dance partner during spin moves.
Evan Lysacek: Ice skater. Tall, handsome, with dreamy good looks. Dude just won a gold medal at the Olympics. Wonder if he’ll be any good? (Incidentally, there have been two Olympic gold medalist skaters on Dancing before. Both won the show. Probably coincidence.)
Niecy Nash: An actress on Reno 911 and hostess of a home makeover show. Too bad. Comedians don’t do well on Dancing.
Chad Ochocinco: This loudmouthed choke-in-the-clutch egomaniac gets to fondle Cheryl Burke? Wow: last season she gets Tom Delay, and now him. Somebody really hates her.
Nicole Sherzinger: Lead singer for The Pussycat Dolls, which, we understand, is some kind of jazz musical group.
Shannon Doherty: Modestly-talented actress mostly famous for being a bitch to work with. Poor Mark Ballas.
Aiden Turner: Soap star. Never heard of him. He’s probably good-looking and a nice guy, like so many soap actors turn out to be. I am prepared to hate him on principle.
Erin Andrews: An ESPN announcerette. When you do a web search on her, the first result is “Erin Andrews Nude Peephole Video Tape.” So she’ll probably be good.
Jake Pavelka: Some hugely handsome airline pilot reality show star. We hope he chokes.
Buzz Aldrin: Dude walked on the frickin’ moon. He’s also 70 years old. There’s nothing we like better than seeing one of the most important men in history doing the hokey-pokey in tight clothing with a women 1/3rd his age. We understand Nelson Mandella is going to be on next season.
So there you have it. Some bimbos of assorted genders, some has-been actors, a couple of sports people, Buzz Aldrin, and no Tom Delay! If only they’d cast the Olympics this way, huh?
Setting aside the question of who will win (spoiler alert: Evan Lysacek), it looks like it may be a pretty good year for spangles.
Tags: Buzz Aldrin, Chad Ochocinco, culture, dancing, Dancing With the Stars, humor, Olympics, Pamela Anderson, spangles, Tiger Woods
I'm Just Sayin' 
March 8, 2010 at 9:07 am |
What about that crazy local girl, Kate Gosselin? I’ve seen the pictures. Isn’t she in this season? (Not that I watch, but I was really hoping to have seen the last of her and now she’ll be all over the place again.) I must admit to being forced to watch it once when my mother-in-law was in town. It was the one where Donny Osmond won. (I think a chill just ran down my spine.)
March 8, 2010 at 12:00 pm |
Holy crap. You’re right! How the hell did she not make it on the list?!? I am ashamed before my ancestors!
March 10, 2010 at 12:09 am |
I don’t know where you get off referring to healthy young women dressed in one square foot of spandex. Have you no shame? Have you no sense of decency, after all? We’re in the metric age now, and I think you, of all people, should know enough to refer to “.093 square meters of spandex,” if only to preserve the dignity of the young ladies involved. If that is too inflammatory, then perhaps stick to 9.3 X 10^-6 hectares.
March 12, 2010 at 9:48 pm |
The metric system is as dead as the Euro. From now on all measurements will be in “hands”.
March 22, 2010 at 10:21 pm
Well, if that means I have to measure the suits with my hands, then you might have me on board.