Posts Tagged ‘Dancing With the Stars’

Ants in the Pants

June 11, 2014
Too sexy for my pants!

Too sexy for my pants!

Excuse me, but do these suspenders make me look like “Ants in the Pants?” I’m asking you, people who have never met me, because my wife is blinded by love and totally cannot be trusted when it comes to questions about my personal appearance.

She has shown this over and over again, the most outrageously at a Thanksgiving several years ago when she told an appalled group of relatives that I looked like Emmitt Smith. This while I was standing right there, mind you – and it was clear to anybody with working eyeballs that I do not at all look like Mr. Smith, nothing like him. Even a little. They don’t call me “the White Burl Ives” for nothing.

Me and Gregory Peck. (I'm the handsome one.)

Me and Gregory Peck. (I’m the handsome one.)

Anyway, my wife loves the suspenders. But is she correct? Do they give me that certain jeu ne sais quoi that a man of my declining years and hairline look for in a trouser-support device?  Or do they merely make me look like a sweaty extra from “Inherit the Wind?”

I’m usually not fussy about my appearance, which is good, given what I have to work with, but I do periodically get these ideas. Suspenders, for example. Who the hell wears suspenders? Beats me. Why did I start wearing suspenders? I dunno. Maybe it’s because my boyhood idol, Sandy Petersen, wears ’em, and he’s a stylin’ dude.

Now by “boyhood idol” I mean that Sandy’s like maybe five years older than I am. He’s one of the writers of the Chaosium roleplaying game “Call of Cthulhu” and an expert on insects and disgusting foot diseases, so naturally I’ve striven to be like him in every aspect of my life.  He’s also the creator of a hugely cool Cthulhu boardgame titled “Cthulhu Wars,” which you need to buy RIGHT NOW. (If you do buy a copy, please let Sandy know where you heard about it, so he sends me a free copy or at least some Cthulhu suspenders.)

Army Guys, come quick! There are monsters!

Army Guys, come quick! There are monsters!

But I digress.

Clearly suspenders are cool, but are they correct attire for a professional like myself? Should I get the fat red ones with big green dollar signs, or something in a nice subdued paisley? If someone compliment me on my suspenders do I offer to let them snap one, or is that too intimate?

I’m counting on your guys to guide me here. My wife keeps urging me to dress like I did on “Dancing with the Stars.” That has me worried.

I am a handsome devil, aren't I?

Screw the suspenders. I want that cummerbund.


What Makes America Great (Part One)

September 7, 2010

Here’s links to some random junk I’ve been meaning to mention. WARNING: This column is mostly an excuse to publish pictures of scantily-clad women. Then again, aren’t they all?

Sign of the Times

Check “” out; it makes me happy. It’s a fine antidote to those sites displaying the depressing signs the Tea Partiers carry around.

Hell, I’d keep out the employees!

It May be Stupid and Intolerant, But it Sure Beats Another Frickin’ “Far Side” Cartoon…

Did you know that the people who are going to burn Korans on 9/11 have “Islam is of the Devil” tee shirts and coffee mugs for sale? Gosh, if the Nazis had had commemorative plates, we’d probably all be speaking German today!

How about “World’s Greatest Terrorist”?

He Puts the “Dick” in Dixie! (Seriously. That’s one of his songs.)

Hank Williams III is gonna drink and drug hisself to death just like his grandpappy did, but before he goes he’s gonna write some of the best new country music in 20 years…

My Country Heroes

Would you let this man sing at your daughter’s Bat Mitzvah?

I KNEW this Stupid Internet was Good for Something!

Pandora is maybe the best product on the Internet for finding new music based upon your tastes. It’s amazing technology and it’s frickin’ free.

There’s a picture in this album’s liner notes of Tori Amos suckling a pig. Why would I lie about a thing like that?

A Liberal Approach to Bosoms

The Huffington Post, arguably the most influential Liberal news outlet not on Public TV or radio, often has articles about Heidi Montag, who massages her fake breasts to keep them supple. (P.S. Who the fuck is Heidi Montag, anyway, and why does she torment me?)

Update on Heidi Montag’s Boobs

Without the Huffington Post, I might never have learned that Lady Gaga posed in a meat bikini on the cover of "Vogue Japan"...

Freedom of Stupidity

Fox News is partly owned by the same (Muslim) dude who is funding the Muslim rec center in lower Manhattan. Jon Stewart is unsure whether the people at Fox who are complaining about this secretive Muslim are evil or just stupid.

How about both?

Gotta Dance!

Here’s the new cast of the upcoming “Dancing with the Stars.” It includes Florence Henderson, Kurt Warner, David Hasselhof and — wait for it! — Bristol Palin!

Dancing with the Stars Cast

Isn’t this how Bristol got in trouble in the first place?

Demi Cup

And finally, for reasons that remain unclear, Demi Moore felt it necessary to take this picture of herself and then upload it on Twitter. This important issue is being covered by The New York Daily News.

Demi Moore in a bikini

I don’t think she’s using a Nikon. Ashton’s sponsors are gonna be pissed!

Is this a great country, or what?

Dancing with the Stars Spring ’10 Preview

March 7, 2010

Editor’s Note: We interrupt our Olympic coverage due to the unfortunate fact that the Olympics have been over for some time. Coverage will resume shortly, we assure you.

Editor’s Other Note: We had planned to do a column titled “In Defense of Tiger Woods,” but then we remembered that we’re married and have to sleep some time. So instead we present this little number.

As you may know, we’re huge Dancing with the Stars fans. We love the music, the glitter, and the exceptionally healthy and attractive young women dressed in roughly one square foot of spandex. Last week the new contestants for the upcoming show were announced, and we’re extremely excited. Let’s take a look:

Pamela Anderson will bring many fine assets to Dancing With the Stars. Talent will not be one of them.

Pamela Anderson: Famous for being nekked in Playboy and running in slo-mo on Baywatch in like 1963, where she was out-acted by David Hasselhoff. In other words: talentless has-been ‘ho. We fear for her dance partner during spin moves.

Evan Lysacek:  Ice skater. Tall, handsome, with dreamy good looks. Dude just won a gold medal at the Olympics. Wonder if he’ll be any good? (Incidentally, there have been two Olympic gold medalist skaters on Dancing before. Both won the show. Probably coincidence.)

Niecy Nash: An actress on Reno 911 and hostess of a home makeover show. Too bad. Comedians don’t do well on Dancing.

Chad Ochocinco: This loudmouthed choke-in-the-clutch egomaniac gets to fondle Cheryl Burke? Wow: last season she gets Tom Delay, and now him. Somebody really hates her.

Nicole Sherzinger:  Lead singer for The Pussycat Dolls, which, we understand, is some kind of jazz musical group.

Shannon Doherty: Modestly-talented actress mostly famous for being a bitch to work with. Poor Mark Ballas.

Aiden Turner: Soap star. Never heard of him. He’s probably good-looking and a nice guy, like so many soap actors turn out to be. I am prepared to hate him on principle.

Erin Andrews: An ESPN announcerette. When you do a web search on her, the first result is “Erin Andrews Nude Peephole Video Tape.” So she’ll probably be good.

Jake Pavelka: Some hugely handsome airline pilot reality show star. We hope he chokes.

Buzz Aldrin: Dude walked on the frickin’ moon. He’s also 70 years old. There’s nothing we like better than seeing one of the most important men in history doing the hokey-pokey in tight clothing with a women 1/3rd his age. We understand Nelson Mandella is going to be on next season.

So there you have it. Some bimbos of assorted genders, some has-been actors, a couple of sports people, Buzz Aldrin, and no Tom Delay! If only they’d cast the Olympics this way, huh?

Setting aside the question of who will win (spoiler alert: Evan Lysacek), it looks like it may be a pretty good year for spangles.

Cooking with Qaddafi

September 26, 2009
Me and Qaddafi

We're just good friends, really.

As I’m writing this entry, I’m watching a video of Muammar Qaddafi’s recent speech at the United Nations (“Wagging Our Finger Reproachfully at Genocide for Over 60 Years”). The man has been babbling on and on for some 15 minutes. I bet myself I could listen to the whole 90 minute speech without my brain exploding, but I’m not sure I’m gonna make it. Apparently his own Libyan translator didn’t, shouting “I just can’t take it any more!” about an hour into the speech, at which point a UN translator heroically took over. Check out the New York Post story (a sentence I never thought I’d write sober).

What’s he saying now? “The UN is bad,” he says. “It’s unfair to Africa. Colonization was bad, the UN is a tool of the big rich countries….”

Doesn’t Qaddafi look more and more like a muppet as he gets older? Sort of a cross between Oscar the Grouch and Charles Bronson.

Speaking of Charles Bronson, didn’t Velezuela presidential wackadoo Hugo Chavez mention him on Larry King as one of the things he loves about America? Weird. Say. Ever wonder how King could spend like a total hour listening to Chavez ramble aimlessly without punching him in the eye? I understand that quart-sized bottles of cheap gin are stationed just off-camera in case of emergency.

Okay, tuning back into the speech. “The UN is bad, blah blah blah, big countries suck, blah, blah, blah…” 30 minutes in. “Africa deserves 7.77 trillion dollars compensation from Europe for colonization.” Suck it up, Dude. Carthage LOST. Get over it!

Wait. Sounds like he’s saying something important.

“Maybe Swine flu was created in a laboratory…” Ow, ow, ow. My head. Now he’s wondering why can’t Libyans emigrate to Italy? Ooo! I know the answer to that one… Listen. He’s complimenting Silvio Burlisconi. Bet that makes old Silvio all warm and fuzzy inside; nothing makes a world leader happier than being publically complimented by a raving nutbag…

Forty-five minutes in and he’s changing the subject again. He’s happy, proud that a son of Africa is president. Obama is the beginning of change. He is a glimpse in the dark for the next 8 years. Can you guarantee America after Obama? Obama should stay forever as president… Ow ow ow.

Shh. What’s that? I think I can hear Obama’s people screaming faintly in the background.

Ooo. Now what? He’s demanding that people pay attention. He’s chiding the listeners for having jet lag. He’s talking about the biological clock…  The UN should be removed from New York because NYC might be subject to a terrorist attack. Now he suggests that the UN be moved to Libya so people won’t have jet lag.


Pause. Rewind. Yup, that’s what he said.


My brain just exploded.

I lose.

Besides, I’ve got to turn on the radio. Ahmadinejad’s on All Things Considered in a couple of minutes. 

Tom Delay Booty Watch

As of this blog, Everybody’s favorite criminal ex-House Whip Tom Delay remains on Dancing With the Stars, having survived a double elimination. There’s something very suspicious about that: there’s no way in hell that there could have been two worse dancers on the entire planet, let alone on that show. I’m calling for a special prosecutor.

More as events transpire.

Dancing with the Hammer

September 22, 2009
So I’m watching TV on Monday. It’s the first night of the new season of one of my favorite shows, “Dancing With the Stars.” This show, as most of you probably know, is a dancing reality-type show in which a bunch of athletes and b-list celebrities are paired up with professional ballroom dancers. Each week the pro and celebrity couples perform a ballroom routine and a panel of judges score them. The TV audience also gets to vote on their favorite pair, and the celebrity with the lowest combined score is booted off of the dance floor and beaten to death by performing arts critics.

Anyway, I really like the program. The judges are wacky and can be rude, but they generally seem to like the dancers and care about ballroom dancing.  The women wear humorously skimpy outfits, which is a plus. Overall, it’s a nice program.

So imagine my surprise yesterday to discover that this year Cheryl Burke, one of my favorite pro dancers, has been paired up with Tom Delay.

Noted slimeball Tom Delay shakes his money-maker and the world weeps.
Noted slimeball Tom Delay shakes his money-maker as the world weeps.

That’s right. Tom Delay. Ex-Republican House Majority Leader from Texas. Tom “The Hammer,” Delay, Newt “Trouser Weasel” Gingrich’s wingman in the 1990s Republican Revolution. Tom Delay, who despises the arts, doesn’t believe in evolution and who once killed a migrant worker with his teeth. He’s dancing with Cheryl.

Like, what the hell, Dude?

Let’s look at this guy’s record. In 1970 he ran a pest control agency, which was cited three times for failure to pay income and payroll taxes. In the Texas Legislature Delay earned the nickname “Hot Tub Tom,” admitting he was drinking up to 12 martinis a night at fundraisers. This, of course, can only earn our approval, but it’s the single bright spot in an otherwise dismal career.

Upon reaching the House of Representatives, Tom sought to get the National Endowment for the Arts’ funding cut. Later on, Delay would be one of the driving forces behind the House’s idiotic and ultimately unsuccessful impeachment of Bill Clinton (no doubt because Clinton was a far better tangoer than he could ever be). In other triumphs, the Hammer earned a rating of zero from both the Sierra Club and the ACLU, lacking only a similar score from the “Save the Little Fluffy Kittens Society” for the trifecta.

Anyway, this bozo resigned in 2006 in the face of an indictment for being a corrupt jerkface. And here he pops up, on one of my favorite shows, dancing with Cheryl Burke! It’s like turning on the radio and hearing Yasser Arafat doing a cover of Over the Rainbow.

Well, here’s hoping that Cheryl puts him through the works. With luck she’ll devise for him some bone-crackingly nasty dance step and all of his limbs will pop right out of his body, leaving him gasping and flopping around like a beached tuna while the kids who never got to take dance classes because of NEA funding cuts come up and practice paso dobles on his head.

Go get him, Cheryl!