I visited the Boston Commons Park today, home of the famous “Make Way for Ducklings” statue which celebrates the beloved children’s story of the same name by Robert McCloskey. In “MWfD,” Mrs. Mallard takes her ducklings on a perilous journey across Boston from the Charles River to the Boston Commons to meet her husband, Mr. Mallard. The police stop traffic on intervening roads to allow the ducks to cross safely.
The “Make Way for Ducklings” statues in Boston Commons Park. Are any of them ISIS ducklings? WE JUST DON’T KNOW.
It’s a lovely story, beautifully illustrated, and the statue is a ton of fun with plenty of duckies for the kids to sit on. I had a good time.
So naturally I was appalled when on the way home I heard about President Trump’s Executive Order banning ducklings. For the next sixth months, instead of holding up traffic for the ducklings, ICE agents would send all ducklings back to the river, “Until,” President Trump explained, “we can figure out what the hell is going on.
“There are plenty of bad hombres masquerading as ducklings,” the President continued. “The Charles River is totally overrun by ISIS.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” Trump insisted. “I love ducklings! I’ve made way for many many ducklings. In fact I’ve made way for more ducklings that Hillary ever did, if you don’t count the three million chickens pretending to be ducklings she’s made way for.”
Originally, President Trump’s ban applied only to non-white ducklings, but that was overturned by the 5th Circuit Court. Now ducklings of all colors and types are banned*.
President Trump is the first American President in modern history who hasn’t made way for ducklings. Richard Nixon was heard on tape calling them “goddamned Hollywood waterfowl,” but he did make way for them. Gerald Ford tripped over the ducklings. Jimmy Carter built them a tiny little house on the island in the Boston Commons lake. Reagan paused for a photo-op with the cutest ducklings before making way. The Bush Presidents were perfect gentlemen (though Dick Cheney accidentally shot a Secret Service man in the face while hunting Mr. Mallard). Mr. Clinton made way AND got Mrs. Mallard’s phone number at the same time.
Boston Common Lake has been “Repealed and Replaced” by Speaker Ryan and the GOP.
Late last year President Obama signed an Executive Order making it mandatory for all Americans to make way for ducklings, however President Trump rescinded it immediately upon taking office, calling “duckling over-regulation a yuge threat to American business.”
I got home and turned on CNN, where Reince Priebus denied everything, explaining that the whole story is “fake news” created by Public Enemy No 1: the US media.
Happily, I have since learned that Mayor Marty Walsh has declared Boston a “Duckling Sanctuary City.” Rumor has it Senator Warren will be leading a Duckling’s March on Washington sometime next month. So there is some hope for the ducklings.
And for us.
*All except Moscovy ducklings. Which seems weird.
I'm Just Sayin' 