Posts Tagged ‘Trump’

On Ducklings

February 25, 2017

I visited the Boston Commons Park today, home of the famous “Make Way for Ducklings” statue which celebrates the beloved children’s story of the same name by Robert McCloskey. In “MWfD,” Mrs. Mallard takes her ducklings on a perilous journey across Boston from the Charles River to the Boston Commons to meet her husband, Mr. Mallard. The police stop traffic on intervening roads to allow the ducks to cross safely.

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The “Make Way for Ducklings” statues in Boston Commons Park. Are any of them ISIS ducklings? WE JUST DON’T KNOW.

It’s a lovely story, beautifully illustrated, and the statue is a ton of fun with plenty of duckies for the kids to sit on. I had a good time.

So naturally I was appalled when on the way home I heard about President Trump’s Executive Order banning ducklings. For the next sixth months, instead of holding up traffic for the ducklings, ICE agents would send all ducklings back to the river, “Until,” President Trump explained, “we can figure out what the hell is going on.

“There are plenty of bad hombres masquerading as ducklings,” the President continued. “The Charles River is totally overrun by ISIS.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Trump insisted. “I love ducklings! I’ve made way for many many ducklings. In fact I’ve made way for more ducklings that Hillary ever did, if you don’t count the three million chickens pretending to be ducklings she’s made way for.”

Originally, President Trump’s ban applied only to non-white ducklings, but that was overturned by the 5th Circuit Court. Now ducklings of all colors and types are banned*.

President Trump is the first American President in modern history who hasn’t made way for ducklings. Richard Nixon was heard on tape calling them “goddamned Hollywood waterfowl,” but he did make way for them. Gerald Ford tripped over the ducklings. Jimmy Carter built them a tiny little house on the island in the Boston Commons lake. Reagan paused for a photo-op with the cutest ducklings before making way. The Bush Presidents were perfect gentlemen (though Dick Cheney accidentally shot a Secret Service man in the face while hunting Mr. Mallard).  Mr. Clinton made way AND got Mrs. Mallard’s phone number at the same time.

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Boston Common Lake has been “Repealed and Replaced” by Speaker Ryan and the GOP.

Late last year President Obama signed an Executive Order making it mandatory for all Americans to make way for ducklings, however President Trump rescinded it immediately upon taking office, calling “duckling over-regulation a yuge threat to American business.”

I got home and turned on CNN, where Reince Priebus denied everything, explaining that the whole story is “fake news” created by Public Enemy No 1: the US media.

Happily, I have since learned that Mayor Marty Walsh has declared Boston a “Duckling Sanctuary City.” Rumor has it Senator Warren will be leading a Duckling’s March on Washington sometime next month. So there is some hope for the ducklings.

And for us.


*All except Moscovy ducklings. Which seems weird.

Dear Mr. President:

November 7, 2012

Socialist Kenyan Muslim or not, you have to admit the dude is totally photogenic!

Congratulations on your sweeping triumph in last night’s election. It is indeed an historic win for you and I believe the best possible outcome for the country. I advise you to get your victory hugs in now, as you have one hell of a lot of work to do right away. I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a short “To Do List” for your convenience.

Drones

First thing you might want to do is to stop using drones to kill specific people, especially in nations that we are not at war with. This is: A. deeply creepy “1984” shit, B. soul-destroying for the country as a whole and for you personally, and C. will cease to be entertaining as soon as other countries begin doing it — say, China in Tibet, for example, or Russia in Chechnya. Or UNC in the NCAA Finals. The Tarheels just can’t be trusted with that power!

The War in Afghanistan

Now that the election is over, you should probably admit that staying in that poor benighted country for another year is totally pointless and will just get more Americans killed. It’s time to end that war too.

Tax Rates

I applaud your decision to begin socking it to the rich, particularly bozos like Donald Trump and the Koch Brothers. Can you create a specially noxious tax rate for guys I personally dislike? I’ll send you a list. (Also the rest of us could probably afford to pay a little more if it were spent on stuff like rebuilding infrastructure and killing the debt.)

The Military

We have NO ENEMIES IN THE WORLD CAPABLE OF CHALLENGING US MILITARILY. And you know damned well that the way to fight terrorism is not with more aircraft carriers. So why the hell are we spending so much on our military? I’d much rather spend a chunk of that money on finding a cure for the New York Jets.

Honey Boo Boo

You should nationalize Honey Boo Boo and send her on a goodwill mission to Pluto. Also Michele Bachmann. (How did that clown win another term anyway? What’s wrong with Minnesota? You should trade that state to Canada in for Nova Scotia and some arctic drilling rights to be named later.)

Climate Change

This recent unpleasantness in New Jersey and New York known as “Sandy” has maybe given you a mandate to take climate change seriously. So use it before the rest of Jersey drowns and Chris Christie strokes out.

The Patriot Act

The Feds seriously don’t need to know what porn I download on the Internet or how often I crank-call Laura Ingraham. They just don’t. So stop it. You need to dial back the FBI a whole bunch. Don’t leave it for your predecessor or it will never get done. Ever. And you’ll be responsible. Also, close Guantanamo. You promised.

Have Fun!

Finally, don’t forget to have fun! Your job is important, sure, but you should try to enjoy life while doing it. The next time you see Eric Cantor, give him a wedgie. Invite Allen West to the White House for a farewell drink, then when he arrives hide behind the curtains and don’t answer the door. Pay Sasha and Malia $20 bucks to pelt Mitch McConnell with eggs. Go on, Mr. President, live a little!

And again, congratulations. You’ve earned it. So have we. We really dodged a bullet.