Some Experience Required

So today’s Sunday and I’m working on the nesting boxes for my chicken coop. Nesting boxes are two rows of three 12″ by 12″ boxes where the lady chickens are supposed to lay their eggs. A small hatch on the back wall of the coop will allow us to access the nesting boxes, swiping the eggs when the chickens aren’t looking.

It’s vaguely unfair when you think about it. But then, that’s what they get for being a food product. Suck it, chickens!

This young woman (from Burning Man, '07) is clearly very experienced at something.

But I digress. This is “fine” carpentry, meaning vaguely delicate work − at least for me. The boxes are constructed out of 1/4-inch finished plywood, held together by small screws set into 1″ x 2″ poplar at the corners.  There are a lot of teeny pieces that need to be cut to the correct size, then holes must be drilled, then the pieces must be assembled and glued, and screws must be inserted and tightened properly.

I HATE it. Really, really, hate it. The work sucks and I suck too. I constantly strip the screws, or drill the holes in the wrong location, or smear glue on my retina. I’ve cut one piece like a quarter inch longer than another, and now everything’s wobbly.

So the first “bank” of three nesting boxes looks kinda crappy. And they take maybe four hours to construct. I’m tired and grumpy, and only half done. There’s another goddamned bank to tackle, and I’m dreading it.

But here’s the funny thing. The second bank takes only one hour to build. The wood’s miraculously cut to the right size, the screws are cooperating, and everything goes together like it was from an Ikea kit. The damned thing looks ten times better, and took maybe one tenth the effort and agony.

It turns out that while constructing the first nesting box, I learned enough to make my second effort a zillion times better.

And this is the reason that I suck.

In all likelihood I will NEVER construct another nesting box ever again. Instead, I’ll build a bunny hutch. Or a goat escalator. Or some other idiotic new thing where my hard-earned nesting box expertise won’t do me a goddamned bit of good. Instead I’ll be once again starting from scratch with virtually no useful experience.

This is the curse of the home DIYer. Almost everything is a new task and you rarely do the same thing twice. Whereas the professional has done this thing like a zillion times already.

This dude is so experienced that he can rip you off while napping!

Take my new role model, Charlie Rangel (D, NY, 15th District), for example. This dude has been corrupt for so long, he makes it look easy. I’m in awe of Rangel: he’s screwing us over simultaneously in two different countries! This is why I’m against turn limits: could some wet-behind-the-ears Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee − the committee that basically writes the US tax code, mind you − maintain a perfectly straight face while claiming to be ignorant of the most basic rules of the tax code he’s in charge of? I think not. That kind of Congressional Balls takes 39 years of practice.

Anyway, it’s clear that experience is everything. Hopefully Congressman Rangel will soon be having many new experiences in a Federal coop somewhere. Who knows what he’ll learn?

Cannibal Pygmy Goat vs. the Oil Slick from Hell

So I’m working on this novel. It’s about horrible monsters from beyond space and time ripping big gaping holes in the very fabric of reality, threatening mankind’s survival across the multiverse. I’ll probably be throwing in some Satanic horse poop too.*

It’s unfortunate that this novel bug has gripped me at this particular moment, because I’m already busier than a three-peckered goat (thanks for that expression, Ken Rolstron!). The project that I’m on at work is nearing completion and I’m grinding out steaming mounds of text at an alarming rate. Also, there’s this blog. I’m starting to regularly get tens of hits on it and I don’t want to kill my “Murfmentum.” It’s all quite exhausting.

Cannibal Pygmy Goat Monster will Eat Your Soul!

On the other hand, writing is a huge distraction from the news of the day, so I have very little time to be outraged by the crap people are pulling in the world around me. For instance, I’m hardly infuriated at all by the thought that BP may have purchased so much political clout that they’ll escape major penalties for their “little accident” in the Gulf.

See, according to this Newsweek article, BP has spent millions and millions of dollars in Washington DC on lobbying efforts to weaken Federal offshore drilling regulations and lower penalties. Also, over the years they’ve put a bunch of the “Beltway” elite – folks like Leon Panetta (current CIA director), Christie Todd Whitman (former EPA director under Bush II), and former Majority Leader Tom Daschle on their payroll. I’m sure that these Very Important Dudes serve in Very Important Positions, like “Director of Appearing in Photos in the BP Annual Report,” and “Special Liaison to Other Politicians Who Really Want to Get Grotesquely Overpaid Corporate Jobs After they Leave Office.”

With all of the dough they’ve spent on politicians, BP may get off with a wrist-slap and a stern talking-to on TV by angry-looking Senators (all of whom will have taken their campaign contributions over the years). This doesn’t piss me off even a little. I’m just too damned busy writing.

Now THIS is fucking scary!

But here’s what does piss me off. When writing a horror novel – even a zany and wacky horror novel like the one I’m doing, you have to think of really awful, terrifying things to make your readers’ skin crawl. And frankly, it’s hard to think of anything more horrible and terrifying than an oil slick the size of Puerto Rico headed toward people that are just starting to dig their way out from the effects of Hurricane Katrina. That’s the worst thing I can imagine – far scarier than the Cannibal Pygmy Goat Monster I was going to put in my crappy novel.

So now I’m just screwed.

Hey, BP: stay the fuck off of my turf, willya? You stick to what you’re good at – buying influence in Washington – and I’ll stick to what I’m good at – writing bad genre fiction and raging impotently at huge soulless corporations and corrupt politicians. Okay?

Unless you’re looking for new board members, in which case, let’s talk. Call me.

 

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*They say that you should write about what you know.

Why Did Max Baucus Cross the Road?

As many of my astute readers know, the other day the Senate Finance Committee killed two different versions of healthcare bills with a public option. This may seem odd, since the Democrats have a solid majority in the Committee. However, five Democrats joined all of the Republicans to vote down the first of the two bills, and three voted against the second. The dissenting Democrats instead favored a bill which, quoting Committee Chairman Max Baucus (D-Montana), “gives lots of money to insurance companies while still denying you coverage when you get sick.”

Max Baucus - Yours, if the Price is Right!

Now this may seem like a total betrayal of the principles of the Democratic Party, not to mention a betrayal of their constituents and of the American people in general, but there were cogent reasons why these statesmen voted the way they did: They are corrupt.

These fives senators have received a total of $10,000,000 in campaign contributions from insurance companies, health professionals, pharmaceutical companies and HMOs. (See below for the breakdown.) That’s right. Ten. Million. Smackers.

While that may seem like a lot of dough to unschooled “Beltway Outsiders,” think about it. If Congress passes a bill which mandates that every American have health coverage as seems likely, that will increase health insurance companies’ customer base by something like 40 million Americans. And if Congress fails to provide a public option as seems increasingly likely, then these insurance companies can continue to charge whatever they feel like without government competition.

In 2010, average insurance premiums are estimated to be $9,000 per year. $9,000 multiplied by 40 million equals $360,000,000,000. I don’t even know what that amounts to − $360 billion? $360 trillion? what? But I do know that compared to this grotesque number, $10 million dollars is peanuts.

Good investment, Insurance Dudes.

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder (and Syphilitic )

Happily, despite shafting us good and hard public option-wise, the Senate Finance Committee was able to accomplish something: it approved an amendment by Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) which would earmark $50 million a year to fund abstinence-only education, despite the fact that it doesn’t work even a little and never has.

Wait. This committee is Democratically-controlled, right? Jesus, was it Opposite Day or what?

Tom Delay Watch

In yet more happy news, ex-House Republican Whip Tom Delay was not voted off of Dancing with the Stars. He continues to “shake his wild thang” in front of a horrified public despite low marks from the judges, a “pre-stress fracture” of his foot and almost dropping Cheryl Burke on her noggin during the performance. So I guess this week has been like a total triumph of evil over good. Depressing. 

Humorous Conclusion

I’d like to end this with a funny joke, but damned if I can think of any. Oh, wait, I’ve got one. Why did Max Baucus cross the road? To get a big fat bribe from the chicken lobby! Ha ha!

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Unfunny Background Bribery Info: How Much Did the Democratic Members of the Finance Committe Earn for Selling Us Out?

Thanks to OpenSecrets.org for the numbers. (Feel free to check out their site to see how much money your congressmen and women are taking from Big Health Insurance.)

Committee Chairman Max Baucus, D-Montana: During his career, Baucus has received $1.2 million from insurance companies, $1 million from health professionals, $750,000 from pharmaceutical firms, $500,000 from hospitals/nursing homes, and $450,000 from health service HMOs. That’s $3.9 million dollars.

Kent Conrad, D-North Dakota: Conrad has received $840,000 from the insurance industry, $625,000 from health professionals, $275,000 from hospitals/nursing homes, $250,000 from pharmaceuticals, and $200,000 from health services HMOs. That’s $2.2 million.

Blanche Lincoln, D-Arkansas: During her career Blanche has received $760,000 from health professionals, $500,000 from insurance companies, $300,000 from pharmaceuticals, $300,000 from hospitals/nursing homes, and $200,000 from health services HMOs. That’s like $2 million bucks.

Bill Nelson, D-Florida: Thus far, Bill has earned $680,000 from health professionals, $540,000 from insurance companies, netting Bill a cool $1.1 million dollars.

Tom Carper D-Delaware: Tom has gotten around $470,000 from insurance companies, $200,000 from pharmaceutical companies, $200,000 from health professionals, or $900,000 bucks.