Posts Tagged ‘suspenders’

Ants in the Pants

June 11, 2014
Too sexy for my pants!

Too sexy for my pants!

Excuse me, but do these suspenders make me look like “Ants in the Pants?” I’m asking you, people who have never met me, because my wife is blinded by love and totally cannot be trusted when it comes to questions about my personal appearance.

She has shown this over and over again, the most outrageously at a Thanksgiving several years ago when she told an appalled group of relatives that I looked like Emmitt Smith. This while I was standing right there, mind you – and it was clear to anybody with working eyeballs that I do not at all look like Mr. Smith, nothing like him. Even a little. They don’t call me “the White Burl Ives” for nothing.

Me and Gregory Peck. (I'm the handsome one.)

Me and Gregory Peck. (I’m the handsome one.)

Anyway, my wife loves the suspenders. But is she correct? Do they give me that certain jeu ne sais quoi that a man of my declining years and hairline look for in a trouser-support device?  Or do they merely make me look like a sweaty extra from “Inherit the Wind?”

I’m usually not fussy about my appearance, which is good, given what I have to work with, but I do periodically get these ideas. Suspenders, for example. Who the hell wears suspenders? Beats me. Why did I start wearing suspenders? I dunno. Maybe it’s because my boyhood idol, Sandy Petersen, wears ’em, and he’s a stylin’ dude.

Now by “boyhood idol” I mean that Sandy’s like maybe five years older than I am. He’s one of the writers of the Chaosium roleplaying game “Call of Cthulhu” and an expert on insects and disgusting foot diseases, so naturally I’ve striven to be like him in every aspect of my life.  He’s also the creator of a hugely cool Cthulhu boardgame titled “Cthulhu Wars,” which you need to buy RIGHT NOW. (If you do buy a copy, please let Sandy know where you heard about it, so he sends me a free copy or at least some Cthulhu suspenders.)

Army Guys, come quick! There are monsters!

Army Guys, come quick! There are monsters!

But I digress.

Clearly suspenders are cool, but are they correct attire for a professional like myself? Should I get the fat red ones with big green dollar signs, or something in a nice subdued paisley? If someone compliment me on my suspenders do I offer to let them snap one, or is that too intimate?

I’m counting on your guys to guide me here. My wife keeps urging me to dress like I did on “Dancing with the Stars.” That has me worried.

I am a handsome devil, aren't I?

Screw the suspenders. I want that cummerbund.