Posts Tagged ‘Koch Brothers’

Dumbness in America

June 6, 2014
"Cracking good cheese, Gromit!"

“Cracking good cheese, Gromit!”

It’s kind of depressing how much dumbness there is in the country today. Seems like everybody in the USA has decided to get really stupid all at once, and I don’t understand why. I kinda got the whole “birther” idiocy – Barack Obama has a funny name and his dad’s Kenyan (and he’s well, you know, a negro, not that there’s anything wrong with that, we’re all for equality and everything, but what if he’s a secret racist and mad at us for that whole slavery thing, not that it’s our fault, but you know about their urges: what if he wants our women?). Anyway, you could understand why certain people were desperate to believe that he wasn’t really our president. It was grossly stupid and moronic and sad and all, but it was understandable.

But as God is my witness, I don’t get the whole climate-change denial thing. That seems to be stupidity without purpose – self-destructive stupidity, as it were.

As John Oliver so eloquently points out, there is no argument against climate change. It’s settled science. It’s like arguing that there is no cheese. Clearly there is cheese. I can show it to you. Everybody knows that there’s cheese except this whole group of bozos who staunchly deny cheese. “I’m no scientist,” says Boehner, “but the debate is far from settled on the existence of cheese. And if we go around believing in alleged cheese, then American jobs will be lost and the American economy will suffer.”

Dude, cheese. It’s real. I got some here, in this pocket. Want a slice? Hello? Hello? STOP DENYING MY CHEESE YOU NITWIT!

Now I certainly understand why the Koch brothers deny my cheese. They’re evil. Acknowledging the existence of cheese – all right, you get the point – climate change – would cost them money. Since they’re evil, they’ll do anything, anything to avoid losing money, including selling out their own grandchildren. It’s part of their charm.

But other folks – nice folks who don’t own oil companies – also deny climate change. Why? It’s insane, senseless. They’re putting the lives of their children and grandchildren at risk, not to mention, I dunno, the whole species. And for what: a couple more years of buying cheap gas and big, dumb cars before the planet starts roasting and Florida goes bye-bye, along with Gramma and Grampa’s condo and a couple million people living in Bangladesh? It’s crazy, I tell ya.

The best explanation I’ve heard is that folks deny climate change because Al Gore warned them about climate change, and they hate Al Gore a lot. Acknowledging climate change would mean admitting that Gore was telling the truth, and they’ll be damned if they’ll give him the satisfaction.

If true, that’s amazingly, mind-bogglingly, grossly stupid. But for the life of me I can think of no other explanation. Can you? I’d love to hear a rational explanation for climate-deniers’ irrational behavior. Drop me a line if you get one.

Once that’s settled we can tackle anti-vaxxers, Jets fans and those characters who feel the need to bring AR-15s into Taco Bell, presumably because there might be commies lurking in the pico de gallo. We’ll have this whole thing sorted out in no time!

In the meanwhile, all this gabbing about cheese has made me hungry. Let’s go eat. Anywhere but Taco Bell, if you don’t mind. Cuz commies.

Violent extremists.

Violent extremists.

Fighting for our freedom! And snacks.

Fighting for our freedom! And snacks.

 

 

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Fiscal Cliff Diving

December 8, 2012

Since the election, the country has turned its attention to the oncoming “fiscal cliff,” a series of painful tax-increases and budget-cuts that Congress and the White House imposed a year back to force themselves to act like grownups and actually do something about the country’s tottering finances by year’s end.

Lol.

So far it doesn’t appear to have worked very well. Speaker Boehner is threatening to hold his breath until he turns orange if he has to raise taxes on the wealthy. Meanwhile the Democrats refuse to discuss increasing the Social Security age, instead demanding that everybody take up smoking once again to get life-expectancy down to financially-reasonable 1970s-era levels.

The fiscal cliff is like this but without the water.

The fiscal cliff is like this but without the water.

But why, you might ask, should I care? How does it affect me? Well, the bad news is that if you’re a member of the dwindling Middle Class, you’re screwed. If you make $100k a year, are married and have two kids, your tax rate will go up like 18%, a healthy bite of maybe $3000 more each year. But the good news is that if you’re really rich (aka, a “Job Creator”), you are extra-screwed, as the ridiculous Bush tax cuts will expire and you’ll have to pay something more like your fair share, you slackers.

This will basically return the country to the Blighted Socialist Hellscape tax levels we endured during the early Clinton Administration, so begin hording guns and trashy young White House interns right away.

On the spending side, a number of important programs will get across-the-board cuts. And the US military will take a hit, making it a tad more difficult for us to declare war on new countries who say bad things about us until we’ve ended the current pointless and horrible wars we’re stuck in.

There are some other effects of going over the fiscal cliff that you might not be aware of.

Top Ten Unexpected Results of the US Plunging Over the Fiscal Cliff

  1. Whiny Business-Owner “Papa” John Schnatter Forced to Go With Cheaper “Eli” Manning in Commercials. Sales Plummet.
  2. Koch Brothers Unable to Blow More than Half a Billion In Unsuccessful Attempt to Buy Next Presidential Election.
  3. Unable to Maintain Multiple Wars in Asia and Middle East, Military-Industrial Complex Demands President Declare War on Mexico and Sandusky, Ohio.
  4. TSA Becomes Inefficient and Surly.
  5. Donald Trump Declares Bankruptcy. Again. For the Fifth Time. Stupid People Believe His Claim that It’s the Fault of Fiscal Cliff.
  6. Springsteen Gets Material for Next Album.
  7. Nation’s 401(k)s Become Marginally More Valueless.
  8. Rupert Murdoch Threatens to Immigrate to Canada. Canada Closes Borders.
  9. Drug Enforcement Agency Closes Willy Nelson Branch.
  10. Nation’s Rich Remain Totally Fucking Loaded.

Anyway, there’s more to this unpleasant business, but it gives me a headache. I’m not a reliable news source, dammit. Check Wikipedia if you want the ugly details. Or watch FOX News. They’re both fair and balanced, so presumably they’ll give you the same info.

Speaking of FOX News, did you see Bill “Baba” O’Reilly struggle to understand that amazing piece of South Korean cultural imperialism “Gangnam Style?” Dude’s totally bewildered about it. “It’s like they’re speaking a whole different language!” (Korean.) He gets assistance from some crackpot psychologist (redundant, I know) who is outraged that kids like this nonsense more than his children’s book. It’s brilliant theatre of the absurd, brought to you by those deranged madmen at the Young Turks.

But I digress. This mess has me both irritated and bored, a dangerous combination. The standoff needs to end, now, or bad things that I don’t really understand maybe will happen. The clowns in Washington had better settle this or there’s gonna be trouble. Big trouble. I have a twitter account (@mrvictim) and I’m not afraid to use it.

Dear Mr. President:

November 7, 2012

Socialist Kenyan Muslim or not, you have to admit the dude is totally photogenic!

Congratulations on your sweeping triumph in last night’s election. It is indeed an historic win for you and I believe the best possible outcome for the country. I advise you to get your victory hugs in now, as you have one hell of a lot of work to do right away. I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a short “To Do List” for your convenience.

Drones

First thing you might want to do is to stop using drones to kill specific people, especially in nations that we are not at war with. This is: A. deeply creepy “1984” shit, B. soul-destroying for the country as a whole and for you personally, and C. will cease to be entertaining as soon as other countries begin doing it — say, China in Tibet, for example, or Russia in Chechnya. Or UNC in the NCAA Finals. The Tarheels just can’t be trusted with that power!

The War in Afghanistan

Now that the election is over, you should probably admit that staying in that poor benighted country for another year is totally pointless and will just get more Americans killed. It’s time to end that war too.

Tax Rates

I applaud your decision to begin socking it to the rich, particularly bozos like Donald Trump and the Koch Brothers. Can you create a specially noxious tax rate for guys I personally dislike? I’ll send you a list. (Also the rest of us could probably afford to pay a little more if it were spent on stuff like rebuilding infrastructure and killing the debt.)

The Military

We have NO ENEMIES IN THE WORLD CAPABLE OF CHALLENGING US MILITARILY. And you know damned well that the way to fight terrorism is not with more aircraft carriers. So why the hell are we spending so much on our military? I’d much rather spend a chunk of that money on finding a cure for the New York Jets.

Honey Boo Boo

You should nationalize Honey Boo Boo and send her on a goodwill mission to Pluto. Also Michele Bachmann. (How did that clown win another term anyway? What’s wrong with Minnesota? You should trade that state to Canada in for Nova Scotia and some arctic drilling rights to be named later.)

Climate Change

This recent unpleasantness in New Jersey and New York known as “Sandy” has maybe given you a mandate to take climate change seriously. So use it before the rest of Jersey drowns and Chris Christie strokes out.

The Patriot Act

The Feds seriously don’t need to know what porn I download on the Internet or how often I crank-call Laura Ingraham. They just don’t. So stop it. You need to dial back the FBI a whole bunch. Don’t leave it for your predecessor or it will never get done. Ever. And you’ll be responsible. Also, close Guantanamo. You promised.

Have Fun!

Finally, don’t forget to have fun! Your job is important, sure, but you should try to enjoy life while doing it. The next time you see Eric Cantor, give him a wedgie. Invite Allen West to the White House for a farewell drink, then when he arrives hide behind the curtains and don’t answer the door. Pay Sasha and Malia $20 bucks to pelt Mitch McConnell with eggs. Go on, Mr. President, live a little!

And again, congratulations. You’ve earned it. So have we. We really dodged a bullet.