Posts Tagged ‘Jon Stewart’

Dick Cheney is Back: Where’s the Wood Chipper?

June 25, 2014

Recently I’ve been working outside, clearing a buncha trees which have appeared on the edge of our lawn over the past 7-8 years, since the last time I did this. These speedy bastards can grow like 2-3 feet a year, which means that some are now 20 feet tall. After detailed research (I asked my wife, who knows things), I determined that these are mulberry trees. In addition to sprouting up everywhere, mulberries produce dark, sweet berries, much loved by birds who then shit purple on your vehicle and trousers.

Die, mulberries, die! Ahahahahaaaaa!

Die, mulberries, die! Ahahahahaaaaa!

I hate mulberries. Hate ’em. They grow so fast that they can crowd out crops in your garden. That’s not normal. I believe they were created by terrorists because they hate our freedom.

Anyway, I’ve taken down maybe 10 trees, with 20 or so more to go. I’m using a ripsaw and chainsaw, which is fun, but I’ll soon be left with the corpses of 30 trees to deal with. That’s where the wood chipper comes in. I’m thinking about renting one.

Of course any time there’s a wood-chipper, one immediately remembers that scene in the movie, Fargo. You know, the one near the end in which that creepy dude did That Thing with it. The scene with the sock.

And that brings to mind Dick Cheney.

I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention lately, but things have been going quite badly in Iraq. The country is in danger of being overrun by psychos from Syria. Plenty of people are saying that the US is at least partly at fault and that we need to immediately bomb something or drop troops somewhere or at the very least let loose Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger with some rpgs and wearing sweatbands and wife-beater t-shirts. Something, dammit.

Would you by advice on Iraq from this man?

Would you by advice on Iraq from this man?

One of these critical people is Dick Cheney.

Let that sink in. Dick Cheney.

He’s criticizing President Obama’s actions in Iraq.

Dick Cheney.

Critical of somebody’s handling of Iraq.

While wearing a cowboy hat.

I’m not going to go into all of the reasons this is outstandingly ridiculous and mind-numbingly infuriating, because I bet you know ’em already. But if not, check out this HuffPost article. It links to Jon Stewart’s brilliant commentary. If it doesn’t make you mad, you must be Paul Wolfowitz. Hi, Paul. Thanks for reading! Go fuck yourself you incompetent tool.

Anyway, the point is, when I consider wood chippers, I begin thinking about Dick Cheney. And this is disturbing. I’m not a violent person. I find it difficult to discipline a dog when it poops in my shoe. I have been known to hurl a kitty into the Outer Darkness when it leaps onto my groin from a great height in the middle of the night, but that’s a matter of reflex rather than rational thought. But when it comes to Cheney, I begin fantasizing about doing Things. Bad Things.

And I feel guilty about this. I feel that somehow I’ve cheapened myself by even in fantasy adopting Cheney’s stupid, cruel, and ultimately fruitless advocacy of violence to solve difficult problems.

Fargo, which taught me many important things.

Fargo, which taught me many important things.

So no more wood chipper, Imagination. I’m better than that.

Happily, that does leave me the steaming piles of horse excrement we have strategically deployed in our pastures and barn. And if that vicious, murderous son-of-a-bitch comes within 10 miles of this place I’ma load up a huge pitchfork full of righteousness and dump it on his evil, scheming, lying, ugly, war-criminal noggin.

It’s good to have dreams.

P.S. About Iraq? I haven’t got a clue what we should do there. But I DO know that we shouldn’t listen to advice from the very assholes who got us into this mess in the first place. That’s all I’m sayin’.


I’ve Had a Belly-Full of This Election

October 31, 2010


This Tuesday, November 2, is Election Day. This is a bi-election (which, I believe, means that members of Congress swing both ways), and I was looking forward to voting against the bozos with the most obnoxious commercials. Unfortunately my surgeon − who is almost certainly a Republican − scheduled my surgery for 7:30 am on Tuesday and I’m gonna miss the whole party. Bummer.

Actually, this kinda lets me off of the hook. I’ve been increasingly annoyed at the Obama Administration’s and Democratic-led Congress’s unwillingness to pander to their base, to wit: me. No single payer or government option in healthcare. Guantanamo Bay still open and still denying folks their basic human rights. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell still the law of the land, and the Administration actively defending it in court. I mean, what the fuck?


It's somewhat disturbing when a couple of comedians are the most reasonable people in American politics.

It’s clear to me that President Obama has decided to govern as a centrist in the hope of generating some kind of across-the-aisle cooperation from that increasingly-rare creature, the Moderate Republican. This has resulted in no cooperation at all from Republicans, who clearly view his position as an admission of weakness, and growing disillusionment from folks like me. I mean, the dude could throw us a bone, couldn’t he? Thanks for the wise Latina Supreme Court appointee, but what have you done for us lately?

I suppose that in the end I’d have held my nose and voted for most of the Democratic candidates, but in any event, the whole thing is moot. I’ll be deeply stoned while a woman I’ve met once is digging stuff out of my belly-fat. Oh well.

Fear and Loathing (and Reasonableness) in Washington DC

At least I got to go to Jon Stewart’s/Stephen Colbert’s Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear on Saturday. It was a hoot. There were many fine costumes and signs. I had one that said, “Keep the Government’s Hands off of My Corporate Overlords” (thanks, Public Citizen!). And there were a number of wonderful tee shirts, including my favorite, “I masturbate, and I vote!”

Cheryl Crow might have been dressed like this when she sang at the Rally to Restore Sanity. I couldn't tell, since my view was blocked by many tall people. I like to think she was, anyway.

For much of the affair we were standing by a tree some 50 miles from the stage, behind perhaps the most deeply-stoned couple I’ve seen in 20 years, a pair of red-eyed vegetarians who were smoking dope out of a coconut-shaped bong and munching questionable snacks out of a sack while staring suspiciously at the people nearby who were dressed as bananas. The music was fine, Stewart and company were fun, everybody was acting quite reasonably, and a good time was had by all. I took a buncha video of the experience; maybe I’ll have a chance to edit them and put them up during my hopefully short recuperation period.


I don't know anybody in this picture. I just love the sign that says, "I am pretty sure that God hates us all equally." That's classy!

By the way. Here’s a link to Stewart’s closing speech. It’s shockingly moderate. Check it out.

So think of me this Tuesday and vote reasonably. Hug a Tea Partier or somebody and figure out a way to work together. Tell Newscorp’s fear-monkeys on Fox to go to hell. This is our frickin’ country, even if we sometimes don’t deserve it.

P.S. What the Hell is Up with NPR?

Oh, before I forget, would somebody please call up NPR and tell them that they’re really beginning to piss me off? First, they fire Bob Edwards from Morning Edition for being old. He’s replaced by a couple of younger newscasters who, after a year’s diligent hard work, are still not as good as Bob was.

Next they fire Juan Williams for being honest on The O’Reilly Factor on Fox, thus giving every member of Newscorp’s fear-monkey squad a chance to be righteously outraged at NPR for their unfairness. It horrifies me to be on the same side of any issue as Bill O’Reilly. NPR’s idiot CEO Vivian Schiller follows this up with a brutally insensitive flippant comment suggesting that Williams is mentally unstable and/or a publicity hound. This from the leader of an organization which would normally rather stab itself it its face than say something derogatory about mental illness? WFT?

And finally, NPR forbids its employees from attending the Rally to Restore Sanity. Why? Because other organizations might accuse NPR employees of having a liberal bias? That’s just stupid. Everybody on the planet already knows that NPR has a liberal bias. So this again is just more arrogant corporate idiocy.

It’s like they woke up one morning and said, “Let’s see how much it takes to get Paul Murphy so mad that he never ever again gives us money. Well, you’re on your way dudes. Keep it up and I’ll tell you where to stick your tote bags.

Middle of the Road

September 17, 2010

So earlier this week I let some strange dude named “Dr. Kumar” cut on me and yank an alleged hematoma out of my torso. However, they didn’t let me see it before they sent it off to the lab. (What were they hiding, one must wonder. Perhaps it was an alien eyeball and they feared for my sanity. Hah. The fools! It’s far too late for that to be an issue.)

The process was mostly painless and hardly resembled a scene out of Saw III. I was fully conscious during the procedure and the most disconcerting part was the smell. Doctor Kumar was using some Dremmel-like device which cauterized as it cut. Mmmm, bacon!

Since that time I’ve been chomping down antibiotics and the occasional Darvon. I took one day off after the experience, but now I’m back at work full-time. I’m told I can’t do any lifting for a week, and my wife won’t let me use the riding mower. And experience has told me that it’s No Fun when a puppy launches its cute little head directly at the wounded era at like a zillion miles per hour. But other than that, things are going pretty good. I should be in fine form by Sunday, when we’re going to the York Fair to try to find people to sell us their chickens.

In opposition to Jon Stewart's "Rally to Restore Sanity," sinister pundit Stephen Colbert will be holding a "March to Keep Fear Alive" on the same day.

Viva Stewart! Viva La Non-Revolucion!

On other matters, did you happen to see The Daily Show on Thursday night? Mr. Jon Stewart announced his “Rally to Restore Sanity,” kind of an anti-Beck and Palin call to moderateness scheduled to occur on the Washington DC mall on Saturday, October 30, 2010, a date, as Stewart puts it, “of no significance whatsoever.”

The purpose is to encourage intelligent debate and polite discussion over America’s issues, to counteract the shouters and fear-mongers on both extremes. My wife and I are totally going. We’ve been discussing what kind of signage to carry. Here are some contenders:

“I’m pretty sure that President Obama is an American citizen. They check those things.”

“Perhaps Mr. Beck should get back on his medication.”

“Seriously. If you read the legislation, there’s no mention of death panels in it anywhere.”

“Maybe you’re correct. Let’s discuss this using our indoors voices.”

“While I’m sure she’s a fine person in many ways, Sarah Palin may not be the wisest choice for President of the United States.”

“Lacking a uterus, I have no useful opinion on abortion.”

“Why should I have to fake an illness to legally smoke a joint in the 21st century? I mean, seriously.”

So what do you think? Is this some totally radical moderateness, or what? Let me know if you’re going to show up for this wonderful event; maybe we’ll meet in DC somewhere ahead of time and eat sushi.

Stewart's rally will be just like Woodstock, except with older, pudgier people, a better grade of brown acid and probably a lot less free sex and nudity (which, given the participants, may not be a totally bad thing).