Posts Tagged ‘guns’

Dumbness in America

June 6, 2014
"Cracking good cheese, Gromit!"

“Cracking good cheese, Gromit!”

It’s kind of depressing how much dumbness there is in the country today. Seems like everybody in the USA has decided to get really stupid all at once, and I don’t understand why. I kinda got the whole “birther” idiocy – Barack Obama has a funny name and his dad’s Kenyan (and he’s well, you know, a negro, not that there’s anything wrong with that, we’re all for equality and everything, but what if he’s a secret racist and mad at us for that whole slavery thing, not that it’s our fault, but you know about their urges: what if he wants our women?). Anyway, you could understand why certain people were desperate to believe that he wasn’t really our president. It was grossly stupid and moronic and sad and all, but it was understandable.

But as God is my witness, I don’t get the whole climate-change denial thing. That seems to be stupidity without purpose – self-destructive stupidity, as it were.

As John Oliver so eloquently points out, there is no argument against climate change. It’s settled science. It’s like arguing that there is no cheese. Clearly there is cheese. I can show it to you. Everybody knows that there’s cheese except this whole group of bozos who staunchly deny cheese. “I’m no scientist,” says Boehner, “but the debate is far from settled on the existence of cheese. And if we go around believing in alleged cheese, then American jobs will be lost and the American economy will suffer.”

Dude, cheese. It’s real. I got some here, in this pocket. Want a slice? Hello? Hello? STOP DENYING MY CHEESE YOU NITWIT!

Now I certainly understand why the Koch brothers deny my cheese. They’re evil. Acknowledging the existence of cheese – all right, you get the point – climate change – would cost them money. Since they’re evil, they’ll do anything, anything to avoid losing money, including selling out their own grandchildren. It’s part of their charm.

But other folks – nice folks who don’t own oil companies – also deny climate change. Why? It’s insane, senseless. They’re putting the lives of their children and grandchildren at risk, not to mention, I dunno, the whole species. And for what: a couple more years of buying cheap gas and big, dumb cars before the planet starts roasting and Florida goes bye-bye, along with Gramma and Grampa’s condo and a couple million people living in Bangladesh? It’s crazy, I tell ya.

The best explanation I’ve heard is that folks deny climate change because Al Gore warned them about climate change, and they hate Al Gore a lot. Acknowledging climate change would mean admitting that Gore was telling the truth, and they’ll be damned if they’ll give him the satisfaction.

If true, that’s amazingly, mind-bogglingly, grossly stupid. But for the life of me I can think of no other explanation. Can you? I’d love to hear a rational explanation for climate-deniers’ irrational behavior. Drop me a line if you get one.

Once that’s settled we can tackle anti-vaxxers, Jets fans and those characters who feel the need to bring AR-15s into Taco Bell, presumably because there might be commies lurking in the pico de gallo. We’ll have this whole thing sorted out in no time!

In the meanwhile, all this gabbing about cheese has made me hungry. Let’s go eat. Anywhere but Taco Bell, if you don’t mind. Cuz commies.

Violent extremists.

Violent extremists.

Fighting for our freedom! And snacks.

Fighting for our freedom! And snacks.




Security Measures

September 28, 2013
Here's a picture of Mr T making out with two stewardesses. You're welcome.

Here’s a picture of Mr T making out with two stewardesses. You’re welcome.

Tomorrow, Sunday, I will be wending my way across the skies of this great country of ours, heading home to my lovely wife in Pennsylvania for a much-needed vacation. I am really looking forward to being back at the homestead – the trip itself, not so much.

First of all, I’d like to say a hearty “go fuck yourself” to the idiots who have, in attempting to blow up airplanes in various highly stupid and entertaining ways, made the airport security process so onerous and humiliating. The “Shoe Bomber” has ensured that I will once again discover too late that my socks A. don’t match, and B. have a large hole exposing my nasty toenails to a horrified world’s disbelieving eyes. The “Underwear Bomber” has made it that I’ll have to get irradiated in the scary arms-raised rotating camera machine and then get patted down anyway because my back-sweat looks suspicious. I suppose I should be grateful that the “Purple Nurple Bomber” and the “Rectum Packed with Gelignite Bomber” have yet to launch their fiendish attacks. You terrorist guys can eat me.

While packing today I discovered a small card in my suitcase that must have been placed there during my last trip. It was from the TSA, politely informing me that they had gone through my luggage “looking for contraband.” Happily they neglected to confiscate my collection of vintage “Juggs” magazines or the whole roast baby pig I carry with me everywhere for luck. Maybe the TSA dude was a gay vegetarian or something and wasn’t interested.

I got nothing. Go TSA!

I got nothing. Go TSA!

I used to think that the whole post-9/11 increased airport security business was overblown nonsense meant to provide the appearance of safety at the expense of gross governmental invasion of our privacy, but then I read how Ted Nugent’s wife got arrested for bringing a gun into an airport terminal. Jesus. The idea of being trapped with those rabid knuckleheads in a plane a mile up is horrible enough; give them a gun and I’d be out the emergency exit, using my sweaty shirt as a makeshift parachute and looking for a soft place to land.

Hey TSA dudes: keep up the good work. I’ll take my chances with the exploding underpants morons; just for God’s sake protect me from them Nugents. Those people are frickin’ dangerous.

Today’s Poll

Messing With Texas

July 13, 2013

Wow. Nobody could be that idiotic, could they? Oh wait. It’s the Texas Legislature. Never mind.

That was my first thought upon hearing that the Texas Legislature was searching citizens entering the Chambers to watch the abortion debate and confiscating unused tampons – while at the same time allowing folks to amble in carrying concealed weapons. It seems that someone had recently expressed disapproval of the Texas Legislature’s determination to impose their narrow zealotic religious beliefs on perfectly-legal medical procedures by hurling a tampon at one of the lawmakers, and this was an affront to life, liberty, and dignity. Legislators dodging bullets: okay. Dodging tampons: that’s unacceptable.

Clearly they weren’t worried about the safety threat posed by paper products: the Legislators were afraid that they made them look ridiculous.

When tampons are outlawed, soon only outlaws will have tampons!

Seems like tampons ande snacks are the two biggest threats to the Texas Legislature.

I can see the conversation outside the Legislative Chambers now:

“Ma’am, we’re going to have to search your purse before we can allow you to enter the Visitor’s section of the Chamber.”

“Of course. I have nothing to hide.”

“Let’s see… cell phone, credit cards, spare change, gum, loaded .357 Glock 31 with cop-killer bullets, lipstick, more gum, lint… now just hold on a second!”

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

“That, thing. That’s a, a tampon!”

“It is. I am a woman of childbearing years, and I menstruate. Hence, the sanitary napkin in my purse…”

“Enough of your dirty-talk! Men, taser this harlot immediately.”


This, of course, is the Mother of all self-fulfilling prophesies. For God’s sake, guys. The reason you’re so afraid of being made to look ridiculous is because you are ridiculous. Totally fucking ridiculous. And deep inside your teeny-tiny narrow-minded reptilian brains, you know it.

As do the rest of us.

Update: I understand that the Legislature recently lifted the ban on sanitary products in the Chamber. Let’s hope this kind of forward-thinking, sensible progressive behavior carries over into other business.

10 Things the Texas Legislature Shouldn’t Do

10. Allow the Deaths of Additional Texas Citizens in Unregulated Factory Explosions.

9.   Outlaw Holding Hands and Walking in the Rain Because it’s “Totally Gay.”

8.   Round “Pi” to 3.

7.   Deny Climate Change During the Worst Drought in Texas in Living Memory.

6.   Call For a Fatwah Against Stephen Colbert.

5.   Declare “Cow” to be the Texas State Vegetable.

4.   Listen to a Damned Thing that Crackpot Rick Perry Says.

3.   Invade Mexico.

2.   Kill More Poor, Retarded People in Prison.

1.   Make Safe, Legal Abortion Inaccessible in Large Areas of Texas.

Remember: When tampons are outlawed, only outlaws will have tampons!


*Also, the chamber is full of sharpshooters protecting your ass.

Gun Sales Surge After Newtown Massacre

December 18, 2012
A Hello Kitty! Assault Rifle.

A Hello Kitty! Assault Rifle.

Good news for the armaments industry, folks. In the wake of the brutal murder of 20 little kids and 6 adults in Newtown, Connecticut, patriotic Americans are buying the shit out of guns, especially the weapon used to blow the heads off of the children on Friday. Sales are also booming for the ammunition used by those weapons as well as the high-capacity magazines that ensure a gunman won’t have to reload in the middle of systematically executing a classroom full of screaming seven-year-olds and their teacher.

People on the other side of this debate often ask, “Cars kill more people than guns, why not ban them?” I have three answers for this: 1. Cars fulfill a useful purpose in this society, whereas I believe that these fucking murder weapons do not. 2. All deaths are not equal. Death from a car accident fills us with sorrow and pity: we grieve and then we move on. However, the deliberate massacre of our children by a madman eats away at our collective soul, and we are permanently diminished. It may not be reasonable or fair, but there it is. 3. Every effort is made to make cars safer, while zero effort is made to make these killing machines safer. And that’s insane.

Enjoy your cool new weapons, America. Try not to let them be used to execute anybody’s children, okay? Thanks!

P.S. Here’s an article discussing how the rest of the world views our pathological addition to guns. Well worth a read.

Friends and family of the victims (AP)

Friends and family of the victims (AP)

Newtown Victim List

From the Huffington Post:

– Charlotte Bacon, 2/22/06, female
– Daniel Barden, 9/25/05, male
– Rachel Davino, 7/17/83, female.
– Olivia Engel, 7/18/06, female
– Josephine Gay, 12/11/05, female
– Ana M. Marquez-Greene, 04/04/06, female
– Dylan Hockley, 3/8/06, male
– Dawn Hochsprung, 06/28/65, female
– Madeleine F. Hsu, 7/10/06, female
– Catherine V. Hubbard, 6/08/06, female
– Chase Kowalski, 10/31/05, male
– Jesse Lewis, 6/30/06, male
– James Mattioli , 3/22/06, male
– Grace McDonnell, 12/04/05, female
– Anne Marie Murphy, 07/25/60, female
– Emilie Parker, 5/12/06, female
– Jack Pinto, 5/06/06, male
– Noah Pozner, 11/20/06, male
– Caroline Previdi, 9/07/06, female
– Jessica Rekos, 5/10/06, female
– Avielle Richman, 10/17/06, female
– Lauren Rousseau, 6/1982, female
– Mary Sherlach, 2/11/56, female
– Victoria Soto, 11/04/85, female
– Benjamin Wheeler, 9/12/06, male
– Allison N. Wyatt, 7/03/06, female

A Letter to the Losers

November 14, 2012

I have to say that it’s particularly nice to be on the winning side of this recent election, if for no other reason than that it gives me the chance to really enjoy the wrath of some unbelievably sore losers.

Now I have great sympathy for people who are on the wrong side in an election. In my day I’ve voted for Jimmy Carter, John Kerry, and God help me, Mike Dukakis. And like many on the left I was outraged by what I saw as George W. Bush’s “theft” of the election from Al Gore. Losing hurts like hell, especially if you think that the opponent has done or is going to do a terrible job. (Who in the name of God voted for “W” twice, anyway? What were you lunatics smoking, and why didn’t you give me some?)

People paid this man hundreds of millions of dollars to totally fail to get candidates elected in the 2012 election. Why? The best guess is because they were very very stupid.

But in the present election, I can’t help but think that some on the Right are taking their defeat kind of hilariously badly. In some cases this is due to the fact that they were persistently and emphatically lied to over the course of the election by their lame-ass hyper-partisan media outlets and other assorted political hacks masquerading as “experts” who repeatedly assured them that they were totally winning and that most of the country hated and feared that black Muslim socialist gay atheist Kenyan as much as they did. So their defeat came totally out of the blue, making it all the harder to bear, and perhaps they can be forgiven to mistaking what was merely a lost election for the end of the world.

Well, let me reassure you folks: come in off the ledge; everything’s going to be okay. The country will survive Obama, just as it survived Bush, Carter, Nixon, and that bastard Millard Fillmore. (Hate that guy.)

Life will go on, I promise. Actually, once things settle down you may not notice much of a difference in your day-to-day existence. Here’s some stuff that Barack Obama and his Merry Band of Gay Marxists aren’t going to do during his second term:

1. Take Your Guns.

The President is not going to take your weaponry. He’s just not. Over the past four years he’s done nothing to limit the amount of grossly lethal hardware out on the streets: why would he start now? Many of us liberals really wish he would, but it’s clearly not important enough for him to waste his political capital on. So cling away – you’re safe. Go out and shoot something and eat it!

2. Gay-Marry You.

If you’re not gay, nobody’s going to force you to become gay. Frankly, you’re just not that attractive and your clothing sense is terrible. So leave the gay people alone and they’ll leave you alone. Promise.(Also, if you are secretly gay, it will be a lot easier for you to come out of the closet and live a full and happy life with the partner of your choice. Though you’re not gay, of course. Except for that one time, but it was in college and you were really drunk. Just forget it.)

3. Surrender to the Commies.

It might be useful to remember that this country spends as much on its military as the next ten countries combined. No one’s exactly sure why, but we do. I guess it’s if everybody else gangs up on us in the playground during recess or something. Plus we have these cool drone things which allow us to slip into other countries we’re not at war with and kill folks without putting our own troops at risk. The US is probably relatively more powerful now than it ever has been in history. Also the Commies are getting rich selling us phones, and this market would dry up if they went to war with us. Even under sequestration we’d still outgun the next nine countries. (We’ll just have to pray that Belgium doesn’t pile on if we’re attacked.) In another words, Red Dawn is FICTION. Relax!

4. Force You to Have Health Insurance.

Okay, you got me on this one. You may be forced to get health insurance. Also your kids. If you really hate the thought of that, you should probably move to Canada.

Oh wait. Scratch that. They have national healthcare there. Also, Mexico. Hmm. Costa Rica? Nope, them too. And Europe is out as well. But wait: Turkmenistan still is free from the scourge – for now. Best get a tetanus shot before you go, though. I understand their healthcare sucks.

You see, it’s just not going to be that bad under Obama II. Things may even improve a little bit, if we can get the bozos in Congress to do what they were hired for. So lighten up!

But, one request: if you DO decide to stick around – and we hope you do – kindly shut the hell up about secession. That’s a load of crap and you know it. Not gonna happen, not even in Texas. Your barbecue’s too good and we’re not letting go of Austin under any circumstances. It really sucked the last time somebody tried that, and we’re not going down that path again. You’re stuck with us; you might as well try to make the best of it.

So let’s shake, buy each other a drink, and together shuffle cautiously forward into the 21st century. I hear it’s nice there. Everybody’s got health insurance.

Read this Blog or the Puppies Get It!

April 3, 2012

The author, firmly dispensing with the claim that hoodies make anyone look dangerous.

As a knee-jerk liberal commie Chardonnay-swilling secretly-Muslim gay-loving pro-abortion anti-gun blogger, it’s difficult not to go into a lengthy rant about the Trayvon Martin case. It’s got all of the elements that enrage me. A kid leaving a convenience store is murdered by a gun-toting clown playing Dirty Harry. The gun lobby says that the kid had it coming to him for fighting back against the much larger armed idiot who was stalking him as he walked back to his dad’s home. The Florida government says it’s not illegal because of the asinine “stand your ground law” which makes it okay to blow somebody away if you’re armed and you claim that you thought they might be menacing you, and my role model Geraldo Rivera blames it on the kid’s hoodie.

And just yesterday another gun-toting sicko murdered a bunch of nursing students in California, and the NRA’s inevitable response is that it’s the dead students’ faults for not being armed themselves, because clearly the best way to stop deranged idiots from killing people is to give guns to as many more people as possible.

Indeed, this would be consuming my brain, if it weren’t for the beating that Obamacare has recently sustained in the Supreme Court, where the fine justices seem eager to overthrow it in its entirety, leaving us back where we started. As someone — I can’t remember who — said, “the government can tax you, arrest you, imprison you, make you go to war, blow you up with a secret killer flying death robot, but it’s wrong to make you purchase health insurance?” As a cancer survivor who will for the rest of his life remain at risk for a really expensive recurrence of the disease, that’s enough to get my blood boiling to the evaporation point.

Fortunately for my poor brain, my house is presently overrun with puppies. We have seven five-week-old pointer puppies in residence, each eager to get into more trouble than the next. It’s difficult to remain truly angry at the world when you’re diving to catch a young animal who is in the process of plunging head-first to its doom off of your front porch onto bricks. Or when several enraged puppies launch a vicious attack against your computer’s surge-protector. And when you give a puppy a smooch and it cheerfully sinks all of its needle-sharp teeth deep into your schnozz, well you totally lose all interest in national affairs for a few precious moments.

These guys totally make you forget about the situation in the Middle East for minutes at a time.

I’m not recommending that everybody get himself a half-dozen puppies to help smooth out the grind of modern life — you can’t imagine how much poop those little buggers generate in a single day — and they have an annoying tendency to grow up and hog the couch — but when the world begins to drive you mad with rage, it is good to occasionally turn off the TV and go frolic with some form of nature.

Just for God’s sake don’t wear a hoodie.