Posts Tagged ‘Emmitt Smith’

Ants in the Pants

June 11, 2014
Too sexy for my pants!

Too sexy for my pants!

Excuse me, but do these suspenders make me look like “Ants in the Pants?” I’m asking you, people who have never met me, because my wife is blinded by love and totally cannot be trusted when it comes to questions about my personal appearance.

She has shown this over and over again, the most outrageously at a Thanksgiving several years ago when she told an appalled group of relatives that I looked like Emmitt Smith. This while I was standing right there, mind you – and it was clear to anybody with working eyeballs that I do not at all look like Mr. Smith, nothing like him. Even a little. They don’t call me “the White Burl Ives” for nothing.

Me and Gregory Peck. (I'm the handsome one.)

Me and Gregory Peck. (I’m the handsome one.)

Anyway, my wife loves the suspenders. But is she correct? Do they give me that certain jeu ne sais quoi that a man of my declining years and hairline look for in a trouser-support device?  Or do they merely make me look like a sweaty extra from “Inherit the Wind?”

I’m usually not fussy about my appearance, which is good, given what I have to work with, but I do periodically get these ideas. Suspenders, for example. Who the hell wears suspenders? Beats me. Why did I start wearing suspenders? I dunno. Maybe it’s because my boyhood idol, Sandy Petersen, wears ’em, and he’s a stylin’ dude.

Now by “boyhood idol” I mean that Sandy’s like maybe five years older than I am. He’s one of the writers of the Chaosium roleplaying game “Call of Cthulhu” and an expert on insects and disgusting foot diseases, so naturally I’ve striven to be like him in every aspect of my life.  He’s also the creator of a hugely cool Cthulhu boardgame titled “Cthulhu Wars,” which you need to buy RIGHT NOW. (If you do buy a copy, please let Sandy know where you heard about it, so he sends me a free copy or at least some Cthulhu suspenders.)

Army Guys, come quick! There are monsters!

Army Guys, come quick! There are monsters!

But I digress.

Clearly suspenders are cool, but are they correct attire for a professional like myself? Should I get the fat red ones with big green dollar signs, or something in a nice subdued paisley? If someone compliment me on my suspenders do I offer to let them snap one, or is that too intimate?

I’m counting on your guys to guide me here. My wife keeps urging me to dress like I did on “Dancing with the Stars.” That has me worried.

I am a handsome devil, aren't I?

Screw the suspenders. I want that cummerbund.


Someone Open Up a Window!

September 26, 2012

Following a small fire on a plane his wife was riding in the other day, a relieved Governor Mitt Romney jokingly wondered why they don’ t let you open windows aboard an airplane.

Or was it a joke?

People weren’t certain. Maybe Mitt really thought that windows on airplanes should be opened. Who could be sure? Mitt’s comment became a Huge Hoopla on the Internets and Twittersphere, and commentators like Stephen Colbert and Rachel Maddow ate it up.

It’s bad when you’re not sure if your presidential candidate understands about explosive decompression and folks being sucked out of airplanes like in the cooler action movies.

I voted for this guy. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.

Of course this kind of issue never bothered candidate George W. Bush, since nobody in the entire universe voted for him because they thought he knew anything. We were happy if the guy remembered which podium to stand behind in the debates. But Romney’s a whole different tub of mayonnaise. He’s not supposed to be a lovable dope. He’s supposed to know things. Why would anybody think he’s that stupid?

My feeling here is that the country’s beginning to realize that Romney’s seriously gonna lose this election. And as we always do, we’re rallying around him in the sense of heaping scorn and abuse on Mitt and trying to get some angry chubby guy from New Jersey to take his place. This country hates a loser. Just ask the New York Jets.

Once a candidacy begins to go down the drain, virtually anything the candidate does looks stupid. Remember Dukakis in the tank? It wasn’t that the guy looked kinda doofy in a helmet – he did, of course, but a lot of us do – it was that he was a loser who looked kinda doofy in a helmet.

But don’t expect to hear Romney’s eulogy on the Lamestream Media™ just yet. The goddamned election is still six weeks away, and we have an entire industry of pundits, politicians, reporters, gaffers, grips, money-raisers, publishers, pollsters, spin-doctors, hookers, and bus drivers who rely on it for their livings. And as such it’s in their interests to gin up as much excitement as possible about the pathetic thing, even if that means ignoring a lot of unpleasant facts and stuff. Who’s going to want to watch a debate if we all know that Romney’s deader than a mackerel already? Especially if it’s up against Bristol Palin letting it all hang out on “Dancing With the Stars” on another channel. I mean, hotcha.

Ooo. Maybe Romney and Obama should have a Tango-Off to decide the election!

And think about the poor bastards stuck on campaign busses with Romney’s sad little running mate Paul Ryan. Covering a VP candidate is bad enough: suppose you had to cover the VP candidate of a totally losing ticket? Hide the liquor and put them boys on suicide watch.

So the next 45 or so days are going to be quite hellish on all of us. Polls will be bent, half-truths will be spoken, and facts will be mangled by the same folks who, the day after the election, will explain how they knew it was going to end that way all along. Everybody wins except us.

And maybe the folks on the plane with Mitt. Keep him away from windows.