Posts Tagged ‘Dick Cheney’

Dick Cheney is Back: Where’s the Wood Chipper?

June 25, 2014

Recently I’ve been working outside, clearing a buncha trees which have appeared on the edge of our lawn over the past 7-8 years, since the last time I did this. These speedy bastards can grow like 2-3 feet a year, which means that some are now 20 feet tall. After detailed research (I asked my wife, who knows things), I determined that these are mulberry trees. In addition to sprouting up everywhere, mulberries produce dark, sweet berries, much loved by birds who then shit purple on your vehicle and trousers.

Die, mulberries, die! Ahahahahaaaaa!

Die, mulberries, die! Ahahahahaaaaa!

I hate mulberries. Hate ’em. They grow so fast that they can crowd out crops in your garden. That’s not normal. I believe they were created by terrorists because they hate our freedom.

Anyway, I’ve taken down maybe 10 trees, with 20 or so more to go. I’m using a ripsaw and chainsaw, which is fun, but I’ll soon be left with the corpses of 30 trees to deal with. That’s where the wood chipper comes in. I’m thinking about renting one.

Of course any time there’s a wood-chipper, one immediately remembers that scene in the movie, Fargo. You know, the one near the end in which that creepy dude did That Thing with it. The scene with the sock.

And that brings to mind Dick Cheney.

I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention lately, but things have been going quite badly in Iraq. The country is in danger of being overrun by psychos from Syria. Plenty of people are saying that the US is at least partly at fault and that we need to immediately bomb something or drop troops somewhere or at the very least let loose Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger with some rpgs and wearing sweatbands and wife-beater t-shirts. Something, dammit.

Would you by advice on Iraq from this man?

Would you by advice on Iraq from this man?

One of these critical people is Dick Cheney.

Let that sink in. Dick Cheney.

He’s criticizing President Obama’s actions in Iraq.

Dick Cheney.

Critical of somebody’s handling of Iraq.

While wearing a cowboy hat.

I’m not going to go into all of the reasons this is outstandingly ridiculous and mind-numbingly infuriating, because I bet you know ’em already. But if not, check out this HuffPost article. It links to Jon Stewart’s brilliant commentary. If it doesn’t make you mad, you must be Paul Wolfowitz. Hi, Paul. Thanks for reading! Go fuck yourself you incompetent tool.

Anyway, the point is, when I consider wood chippers, I begin thinking about Dick Cheney. And this is disturbing. I’m not a violent person. I find it difficult to discipline a dog when it poops in my shoe. I have been known to hurl a kitty into the Outer Darkness when it leaps onto my groin from a great height in the middle of the night, but that’s a matter of reflex rather than rational thought. But when it comes to Cheney, I begin fantasizing about doing Things. Bad Things.

And I feel guilty about this. I feel that somehow I’ve cheapened myself by even in fantasy adopting Cheney’s stupid, cruel, and ultimately fruitless advocacy of violence to solve difficult problems.

Fargo, which taught me many important things.

Fargo, which taught me many important things.

So no more wood chipper, Imagination. I’m better than that.

Happily, that does leave me the steaming piles of horse excrement we have strategically deployed in our pastures and barn. And if that vicious, murderous son-of-a-bitch comes within 10 miles of this place I’ma load up a huge pitchfork full of righteousness and dump it on his evil, scheming, lying, ugly, war-criminal noggin.

It’s good to have dreams.

P.S. About Iraq? I haven’t got a clue what we should do there. But I DO know that we shouldn’t listen to advice from the very assholes who got us into this mess in the first place. That’s all I’m sayin’.


Edward Snowden: Spy in the House of Love

July 24, 2013

Have you noticed that everybody in any way involved with the Edward Snowden case is by now looking like a tool and/or an idiot? How did that happen so quickly in what is arguably the most important civil liberties debate in the 21st century?

As you’d damned well better recall, Edward Snowden is the Booze Allen contractor who brought to the country’s attention the wacky hijinks of our very own NSA – to wit: that they record data on every single goddamned phone call, text and email we make and keep it in a huge storage facility not unlike “Warehouse 13,” except without the saving the world part or the witty dialog or the cute gay dude named “Jinks.” This blockbuster news was released just several weeks ago, and already everybody’s turned into bozos.

The NSA totally records every goddamned phone call Max gets on his shoe phone, the bastards.

I bet the NSA totally records every goddamned phone call Max gets on his shoe phone, the bastards.

There’s President Obama, the country’s first black president and darling of the Liberal Left, who finds himself in the unhappy position of having to remind the American people over and over that he’s not spying on everybody because he’s an evil dictator-wannabe: it’s for our own good, see? For safety. Here’s a rule-of-thumb, Mr. President. If you have to tell people that you’re not Dick Cheney, you probably are. I mean, weren’t you a Constitutional scholar, for Christ’s sake? WTF, First Dude?

Compounding the dumbness, many on the Liberal Left are showing their moral cowardice by not confronting the President, who has clearly driven right off the civil liberties rails here, leaving us to wonder what they hell they’ll say when the next Republican President does the same damned thing, or worse.

Meanwhile the Republicans rotate happily between fake outrage at Obama and total support for the program itself, despite their alleged dislike for huge, intrusive federal agencies impinging on America’s freedoms. Proposed GOP slogan for 2016: “Down with Big Government! P.S. Please Ignore the Clicking Sound on Your Cell Phone.”


Congress is being Congress (ie, useless assholes). Nuff said.

In many people’s eyes, Edward Snowden himself has evolved from hero into a somewhat pathetic figure after fleeing the USA to China and then Russia, those bastions of liberty and freedom. He is presently in hiding in a Moscow airport Super 8, no doubt watching his hashtag ranking on Twitter and complaining about the hotel’s crappy Internet connection.

In a Wikileaks statement, Snowden expressed outrage that the US government would seek to drag him back into the country to face prosecution. No offense, Mr. Snowden, but how exactly did you think this was going to play out? Did you think that the government would say it was very sorry and you’d get hugs? Did you miss the Bradley Manning leaks case altogether? Where’s Manning now? Daniel Ellsberg, who leaked the Pentagon Papers, was willing to go to prison for doing so. If you don’t have his courage, then maybe you should have leaked anonymously, or at least gone to Ecuador or Venezuela or wherever and leaked from there.

Snowden has implied that he has yet more secret stuff about the US and he’ll spill the beans if we try to silence him by bombing the Russian airport or hacking his Tumblr account. If he does have more to say, I wish he’d release it all right away and have done with it. I think we have a right to know, don’t you?

But not today, please. It’d get totally buried in the Royal Baby coverage. That shit’s fascinating.

Kill Some of the Lawyers?

March 22, 2010

Over the weekend my lower right wisdom tooth broke. I’m scheduled to have it yanked on Tuesday (tomorrow), but I’m in significant pain today. This has put me into totally the right mood to talk about that idiotic organization Keep America Safe and its attack on our legal system.

Noted Lesbian Asshole Liz Cheney

KAS is a conservative web site run by Dick Cheney’s daughter, Liz Cheney, Republican apparatchik “journalist” Bill Kristol, and Debra Burlingame (sister of an airplane pilot killed on 9/11), its mission to “provide information for concerned Americans about critical national security issues.” It seeks to ensure that the government follow the brilliant defense/anti-terrorism policies put in place by the Bush/Cheney government. As they say,

The United States remains a nation at war.  We face a growing threat from rogue regimes that seek or have already obtained nuclear weapons. America’s interests are challenged by an authoritarian China, a resurgent Russia, and dictators in our own hemisphere who ally themselves with our adversaries. Amidst the great challenges to America’s security and prosperity, the current administration too often seems uncertain, wishful, irresolute, and unwilling to stand up for America, our allies and our interests.

In other words, the Obama administration are a bunch of Democrat Socialist Muslim surrender-monkeys who will sell us down the river as soon as they finish their low-fat half-caff latte mocha-chinos. I don’t think anybody can argue with that characterization.

Noted Heterosexual Asshole Bill Kristol

Recently KAS has taken some flak for putting out an ad which suggests that the US Justice Department is overrun by evil terrorist sympathizers: namely, the Al Qaeda Seven, a group of lawyers who decided to act as attorneys for various Guantanamo detainees, thus clearly revealing them as evil commies – I mean terrorists themselves. As the ad makes clear, a real American lawyer would never represent a bad guy if he weren’t a bad guy himself. Why won’t the Justice Department reveal the names of these villains? What are they hiding?

There are several problems with this particular ad, other than it’s totally and unequivocally full of shit.  First of all, lawyers often represent people whose views they don’t support. In fact, if defendants can’t get their own lawyers, the courts provide ’em to them. As has been said a billion times lately, even John Adams represented the British soldiers accused of firing on Colonial citizens in the Boston Massacre. Adams wasn’t a traitor, you ignorant blow hards. He did it because he knew it was the right thing to do, even if it badly damaged his reputation (which it did, among the dumber Colonists).

Second of all, who says the detainees are guilty of anything? Of all of the detainees held in Gitmo, a huge chunk of them have been released without charge after many years of detention, suggesting that many of ’em were wrongly imprisoned. That’s why people have attorneys – to protect ’em if the government screws up.

Thirdly, the identities of the attorneys were in fact on public record, as Fox news discovered when they looked. Admittedly the Justice Department hadn’t put together a formal list, but all of the info was out there for anybody who cared to look. And, as Fox discovered, many of them “played only minor or short-lived roles in advocating for detainees.”

I will point out that, much to their credit, many conservative lawyers have come out against this obnoxious and misguided attack on our country’s Justice Department (and justice system), including folks like Ken Starr and Lindsay Graham, whom I usually despise. Good on you, boys!

Noted Zombie Tor Johnson (If you expected me to make fun of Ms. Burlingame you're frickin' crazy.)

So here’s the question. Why are the KAS folks being such scumbags? Are they misguided idiots or outright evil? Who knows?

Who cares?

My tooth hurts, you infamous bastards. You should immediately desist your scurrilous assault on our country and go fuck yourselves. Thanks!