Posts Tagged ‘cheese’

Dumbness in America

June 6, 2014
"Cracking good cheese, Gromit!"

“Cracking good cheese, Gromit!”

It’s kind of depressing how much dumbness there is in the country today. Seems like everybody in the USA has decided to get really stupid all at once, and I don’t understand why. I kinda got the whole “birther” idiocy – Barack Obama has a funny name and his dad’s Kenyan (and he’s well, you know, a negro, not that there’s anything wrong with that, we’re all for equality and everything, but what if he’s a secret racist and mad at us for that whole slavery thing, not that it’s our fault, but you know about their urges: what if he wants our women?). Anyway, you could understand why certain people were desperate to believe that he wasn’t really our president. It was grossly stupid and moronic and sad and all, but it was understandable.

But as God is my witness, I don’t get the whole climate-change denial thing. That seems to be stupidity without purpose – self-destructive stupidity, as it were.

As John Oliver so eloquently points out, there is no argument against climate change. It’s settled science. It’s like arguing that there is no cheese. Clearly there is cheese. I can show it to you. Everybody knows that there’s cheese except this whole group of bozos who staunchly deny cheese. “I’m no scientist,” says Boehner, “but the debate is far from settled on the existence of cheese. And if we go around believing in alleged cheese, then American jobs will be lost and the American economy will suffer.”

Dude, cheese. It’s real. I got some here, in this pocket. Want a slice? Hello? Hello? STOP DENYING MY CHEESE YOU NITWIT!

Now I certainly understand why the Koch brothers deny my cheese. They’re evil. Acknowledging the existence of cheese – all right, you get the point – climate change – would cost them money. Since they’re evil, they’ll do anything, anything to avoid losing money, including selling out their own grandchildren. It’s part of their charm.

But other folks – nice folks who don’t own oil companies – also deny climate change. Why? It’s insane, senseless. They’re putting the lives of their children and grandchildren at risk, not to mention, I dunno, the whole species. And for what: a couple more years of buying cheap gas and big, dumb cars before the planet starts roasting and Florida goes bye-bye, along with Gramma and Grampa’s condo and a couple million people living in Bangladesh? It’s crazy, I tell ya.

The best explanation I’ve heard is that folks deny climate change because Al Gore warned them about climate change, and they hate Al Gore a lot. Acknowledging climate change would mean admitting that Gore was telling the truth, and they’ll be damned if they’ll give him the satisfaction.

If true, that’s amazingly, mind-bogglingly, grossly stupid. But for the life of me I can think of no other explanation. Can you? I’d love to hear a rational explanation for climate-deniers’ irrational behavior. Drop me a line if you get one.

Once that’s settled we can tackle anti-vaxxers, Jets fans and those characters who feel the need to bring AR-15s into Taco Bell, presumably because there might be commies lurking in the pico de gallo. We’ll have this whole thing sorted out in no time!

In the meanwhile, all this gabbing about cheese has made me hungry. Let’s go eat. Anywhere but Taco Bell, if you don’t mind. Cuz commies.

Violent extremists.

Violent extremists.

Fighting for our freedom! And snacks.

Fighting for our freedom! And snacks.




The Kids Are, All Right

February 21, 2012
He’s watching YOU!

Life is busting out all over at Chez Murphy’s (literally, “House of Spuds”). Of course by now you’re heard that we recently had a litter of puppies, the inevitable result of the Catholic Church’s stubborn refusal to provide free birth control to purebred English Pointers in Southern Pennsylvania, combined with some opportunistic old-fashioned God-fearing GOP-approved procreative sex* in the back yard that caught us totally off-guard some months ago.

The puppies and mother Jane are doing well. There are seven of the former, four boys and three girls. Originally we thought there were three boys and four girls, but we recently discovered that one of the girls was secretly packing an “outie,” if you know what I mean. We’re thinking of calling him either “A Dog Named Sue” or maybe “Dog George.”

Angelina looks great for a mother of six kids, huh? Let’s hope Jane bounces back that good after her litter of seven!

The puppies are around eight days old. Though still blind, they look less like mole rats and more like cute-ass fuzzy li’l doofuses every day. The proud mother is taking real good care of her babies, though she may be getting a bit bored with the whole thing. She recently started taking her snake toy into the whelping box with her. Apparently licking your children’s asses can grow old after about a week, not to mention breastfeeding seven hungry toddlers. I’m sure you ladies will confirm that.

I am contributing to the general fecundity by repeated hilarious attempts to make cheese, which generally result in big old lumps of semi-edible yogurtish goo. (Happily, the dogs seem to like it.) I’ve purchased exciting magic powders from some cheese-making outfit in the Midwest, but it hasn’t arrived yet. Will report as events progress.

We keep the puppies under a heat lamp. It’s probably not what you think.

So we’re oohing and aahing over the puppies, squidging them repeatedly, giving them  big old moodges and arguing over which is the smooshiest.** Soon they’ll be weaned and will start to poop and bark and get into hellish trouble, like any of God’s creatures. But until then, they’re just purely adorable.

Incidentally, these are extremely well-bred animals, from long lines of champion English Pointers. If interested in more info on the litter, drop me a note. I’ll connect you with my wife, the dog whisperer.


* Doggie-Style, natch.

**This is what you sound like after extended exposure to excessive canine cuteness.

My wife claims that the picture at the top is creepy and disgusting. So I've added this one for balance. But don't be fooled: this animal is a killer. He would totally rip your throat out as soon as look at you.