Posts Tagged ‘Barack Obama’

Dick Cheney is Back: Where’s the Wood Chipper?

June 25, 2014

Recently I’ve been working outside, clearing a buncha trees which have appeared on the edge of our lawn over the past 7-8 years, since the last time I did this. These speedy bastards can grow like 2-3 feet a year, which means that some are now 20 feet tall. After detailed research (I asked my wife, who knows things), I determined that these are mulberry trees. In addition to sprouting up everywhere, mulberries produce dark, sweet berries, much loved by birds who then shit purple on your vehicle and trousers.

Die, mulberries, die! Ahahahahaaaaa!

Die, mulberries, die! Ahahahahaaaaa!

I hate mulberries. Hate ’em. They grow so fast that they can crowd out crops in your garden. That’s not normal. I believe they were created by terrorists because they hate our freedom.

Anyway, I’ve taken down maybe 10 trees, with 20 or so more to go. I’m using a ripsaw and chainsaw, which is fun, but I’ll soon be left with the corpses of 30 trees to deal with. That’s where the wood chipper comes in. I’m thinking about renting one.

Of course any time there’s a wood-chipper, one immediately remembers that scene in the movie, Fargo. You know, the one near the end in which that creepy dude did That Thing with it. The scene with the sock.

And that brings to mind Dick Cheney.

I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention lately, but things have been going quite badly in Iraq. The country is in danger of being overrun by psychos from Syria. Plenty of people are saying that the US is at least partly at fault and that we need to immediately bomb something or drop troops somewhere or at the very least let loose Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger with some rpgs and wearing sweatbands and wife-beater t-shirts. Something, dammit.

Would you by advice on Iraq from this man?

Would you by advice on Iraq from this man?

One of these critical people is Dick Cheney.

Let that sink in. Dick Cheney.

He’s criticizing President Obama’s actions in Iraq.

Dick Cheney.

Critical of somebody’s handling of Iraq.

While wearing a cowboy hat.

I’m not going to go into all of the reasons this is outstandingly ridiculous and mind-numbingly infuriating, because I bet you know ’em already. But if not, check out this HuffPost article. It links to Jon Stewart’s brilliant commentary. If it doesn’t make you mad, you must be Paul Wolfowitz. Hi, Paul. Thanks for reading! Go fuck yourself you incompetent tool.

Anyway, the point is, when I consider wood chippers, I begin thinking about Dick Cheney. And this is disturbing. I’m not a violent person. I find it difficult to discipline a dog when it poops in my shoe. I have been known to hurl a kitty into the Outer Darkness when it leaps onto my groin from a great height in the middle of the night, but that’s a matter of reflex rather than rational thought. But when it comes to Cheney, I begin fantasizing about doing Things. Bad Things.

And I feel guilty about this. I feel that somehow I’ve cheapened myself by even in fantasy adopting Cheney’s stupid, cruel, and ultimately fruitless advocacy of violence to solve difficult problems.

Fargo, which taught me many important things.

Fargo, which taught me many important things.

So no more wood chipper, Imagination. I’m better than that.

Happily, that does leave me the steaming piles of horse excrement we have strategically deployed in our pastures and barn. And if that vicious, murderous son-of-a-bitch comes within 10 miles of this place I’ma load up a huge pitchfork full of righteousness and dump it on his evil, scheming, lying, ugly, war-criminal noggin.

It’s good to have dreams.

P.S. About Iraq? I haven’t got a clue what we should do there. But I DO know that we shouldn’t listen to advice from the very assholes who got us into this mess in the first place. That’s all I’m sayin’.


Dumbness in America

June 6, 2014
"Cracking good cheese, Gromit!"

“Cracking good cheese, Gromit!”

It’s kind of depressing how much dumbness there is in the country today. Seems like everybody in the USA has decided to get really stupid all at once, and I don’t understand why. I kinda got the whole “birther” idiocy – Barack Obama has a funny name and his dad’s Kenyan (and he’s well, you know, a negro, not that there’s anything wrong with that, we’re all for equality and everything, but what if he’s a secret racist and mad at us for that whole slavery thing, not that it’s our fault, but you know about their urges: what if he wants our women?). Anyway, you could understand why certain people were desperate to believe that he wasn’t really our president. It was grossly stupid and moronic and sad and all, but it was understandable.

But as God is my witness, I don’t get the whole climate-change denial thing. That seems to be stupidity without purpose – self-destructive stupidity, as it were.

As John Oliver so eloquently points out, there is no argument against climate change. It’s settled science. It’s like arguing that there is no cheese. Clearly there is cheese. I can show it to you. Everybody knows that there’s cheese except this whole group of bozos who staunchly deny cheese. “I’m no scientist,” says Boehner, “but the debate is far from settled on the existence of cheese. And if we go around believing in alleged cheese, then American jobs will be lost and the American economy will suffer.”

Dude, cheese. It’s real. I got some here, in this pocket. Want a slice? Hello? Hello? STOP DENYING MY CHEESE YOU NITWIT!

Now I certainly understand why the Koch brothers deny my cheese. They’re evil. Acknowledging the existence of cheese – all right, you get the point – climate change – would cost them money. Since they’re evil, they’ll do anything, anything to avoid losing money, including selling out their own grandchildren. It’s part of their charm.

But other folks – nice folks who don’t own oil companies – also deny climate change. Why? It’s insane, senseless. They’re putting the lives of their children and grandchildren at risk, not to mention, I dunno, the whole species. And for what: a couple more years of buying cheap gas and big, dumb cars before the planet starts roasting and Florida goes bye-bye, along with Gramma and Grampa’s condo and a couple million people living in Bangladesh? It’s crazy, I tell ya.

The best explanation I’ve heard is that folks deny climate change because Al Gore warned them about climate change, and they hate Al Gore a lot. Acknowledging climate change would mean admitting that Gore was telling the truth, and they’ll be damned if they’ll give him the satisfaction.

If true, that’s amazingly, mind-bogglingly, grossly stupid. But for the life of me I can think of no other explanation. Can you? I’d love to hear a rational explanation for climate-deniers’ irrational behavior. Drop me a line if you get one.

Once that’s settled we can tackle anti-vaxxers, Jets fans and those characters who feel the need to bring AR-15s into Taco Bell, presumably because there might be commies lurking in the pico de gallo. We’ll have this whole thing sorted out in no time!

In the meanwhile, all this gabbing about cheese has made me hungry. Let’s go eat. Anywhere but Taco Bell, if you don’t mind. Cuz commies.

Violent extremists.

Violent extremists.

Fighting for our freedom! And snacks.

Fighting for our freedom! And snacks.



Good Faith Negotiations

October 3, 2013
Dude's got a really big hammer, don't he? Gotta respect that.

Respect the Hammer.

As you are no doubt aware, the US Government has been shut down. There is a lot of ill-informed nattering from the lamestream liberal media about who is ultimately to blame, but upon sober reflection I think we can all agree that it’s totally Barack Obama’s fault. It’s his unwillingness to negotiate in good faith with the House Republicans merely because they are holding a gun to the head of the American people and demanding that he scrap his signature achievement, Obamacare.

How selfish is that?

The House Republicans are trying to be flexible, see? Speaker Boehner and them other good old boys keep telling us that they want to negotiate. Do they enjoy shutting down national parks, food safety organizations, and cancer research for little kids? Don’t be foolish. It’s not their fault. If only Harry Reid and Obama would just come to the table, then everything could be worked out.

And I have to agree with them. Obama and Reid should come to the table.

I see the conversation going like this:

Speaker Boehner:  Thank you, Mr. President, for agreeing to delay the Affordable Care Act. Your willingness to compromise in this will greatly help to heal the nation.

President Obama: Certainly, Mr. Speaker. We can all agree that the most important thing is to get the government running. Of course we have a few modest requests of our own that we hope you will be equally flexible about.

Speaker Boehner: Uh, sure.

President Obama: First, a complete assault weapons ban, effective immediately. Gun magazine capacity limited to 17 bb’s.

Speaker Boehner: Say what?

President Obama: Plastic bb’s. Next, a Federally-funded abortion clinic in each Congressional district. All of them named after Bella Abzug.

Speaker Boehner: You can’t be serious –

President Obama: And finally, mandatory gay marriages for everybody! You can be my little bitch.

Speaker Boehner: Now wait a damned minute!

President Obama: Of course, in the interests of flexibility, we would be willing to negotiate with you on these requests. Hell, we’ll even go so far as to rescind two of ours in return for one of yours, say the abortion clinics and the assault weapons ban in return for Obamacare. We cannot budge on the “you’re my bitch” one, I’m afraid. The American people have spoken on that.

Speaker Boehner: [cries].

The Moral of the Story

Once you decide that it’s okay to hold the American people hostage to achieve the goals that you’ve been unable to achieve through legitimate political action, then where does it end? Does only one side get to use that strategy? What’s to stop us Democratic yahoos from doing the same thing next week, to get one of our pet issues passed?

It’s a big fucking can o’ worms, and for the sake of the nation President Obama cannot knuckle under.

I’m not certain that the House Republicans have totally thought this one through. Do they have any idea what they’re subjecting the country to, where we could end up? Hell, maybe Obama should drop all demands except that the GOP members all take a basic civics class. Or that they have their heads surgically removed from their asses.

Cuz freedom.

Today’s Poll

Not totally certain this has anything to do with the blog. Sorry.

Not totally certain this has anything to do with the blog. Sorry.

Mad Libs for Grownups, Syria Edition

September 7, 2013
Miley Cyrus's Boobs. which we might just bomb the crap outta.

Miley Cyrus’s Boobs. which we might just bomb the crap outta.

Sorry it’s been a while since I last updated this fine journal, but like everybody else in the country I’ve been totally consumed with Miley Cyrus’s boobs. When I say, “Miley Cyrus’s boobs” I of course mean war with Syria. It’s just that every time I write “Miley Cyrus’s boobs” this blog’s hits go up by about a zillion, whereas mentioning war with Syria just gets cricket noises. So if you don’t mind, I’m going to use the phrase “Miley Cyrus’s boobs” in place of “war with Syria.”

I don’t plan to actually talk that much about Miley Cyrus’s boobs because it’s all too depressing and sad, and no matter what we do more Syrians are gonna die badly. I will mention, however, that even though like 6 out of 10 Americans couldn’t find Syria on a map if you paid them a million-zillion dollars, they still have very strong opinions about it. So maybe they should crack a book or read a newspaper or something.

Jesus. We’re as bad as Kate Middleton’s baby, by which I mean “Congress”.

Syria's President Assad in happier days before the giant teddy bear incident.

Syria’s President Assad in happier days before the giant teddy bear incident.

Speaking of Kate Middleton’s baby, there seems to be an odd satisfaction among a certain class of people (ie, my passionately liberal and conservative pals) that Barack Obama (Barack Obama) has submitted the final decision on Miley Cyrus’s boobs to Kate Middleton’s baby. This confuses me, given that Kate Middleton’s baby have proven themselves incapable of agreeing to name next Thursday “National Processed Cheese Day.” And these hopeless tools will decide on war and peace?

There are two possible outcomes to this. First, that Kate Middleton’s baby disagrees with your position, in which case they are leading this country into disaster, and that’s depressing. Or second, they agree with you, in which case you’ve gotta wonder if you’re maybe an unmitigated idiot like them, and that’s depressing too.

Frankly I’d much rather leave the whole thing to a panel of experts including Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, topless MILFs and A-Rod on steroids. Then maybe we’d get a sensible decision.

Fucking ABC News put up pictures of royal impersonators mimicking Congress's day-to-day actions.

Fucking ABC News put up pictures of royal impersonators mimicking Congress’s day-to-day actions.

Edward Snowden: Spy in the House of Love

July 24, 2013

Have you noticed that everybody in any way involved with the Edward Snowden case is by now looking like a tool and/or an idiot? How did that happen so quickly in what is arguably the most important civil liberties debate in the 21st century?

As you’d damned well better recall, Edward Snowden is the Booze Allen contractor who brought to the country’s attention the wacky hijinks of our very own NSA – to wit: that they record data on every single goddamned phone call, text and email we make and keep it in a huge storage facility not unlike “Warehouse 13,” except without the saving the world part or the witty dialog or the cute gay dude named “Jinks.” This blockbuster news was released just several weeks ago, and already everybody’s turned into bozos.

The NSA totally records every goddamned phone call Max gets on his shoe phone, the bastards.

I bet the NSA totally records every goddamned phone call Max gets on his shoe phone, the bastards.

There’s President Obama, the country’s first black president and darling of the Liberal Left, who finds himself in the unhappy position of having to remind the American people over and over that he’s not spying on everybody because he’s an evil dictator-wannabe: it’s for our own good, see? For safety. Here’s a rule-of-thumb, Mr. President. If you have to tell people that you’re not Dick Cheney, you probably are. I mean, weren’t you a Constitutional scholar, for Christ’s sake? WTF, First Dude?

Compounding the dumbness, many on the Liberal Left are showing their moral cowardice by not confronting the President, who has clearly driven right off the civil liberties rails here, leaving us to wonder what they hell they’ll say when the next Republican President does the same damned thing, or worse.

Meanwhile the Republicans rotate happily between fake outrage at Obama and total support for the program itself, despite their alleged dislike for huge, intrusive federal agencies impinging on America’s freedoms. Proposed GOP slogan for 2016: “Down with Big Government! P.S. Please Ignore the Clicking Sound on Your Cell Phone.”


Congress is being Congress (ie, useless assholes). Nuff said.

In many people’s eyes, Edward Snowden himself has evolved from hero into a somewhat pathetic figure after fleeing the USA to China and then Russia, those bastions of liberty and freedom. He is presently in hiding in a Moscow airport Super 8, no doubt watching his hashtag ranking on Twitter and complaining about the hotel’s crappy Internet connection.

In a Wikileaks statement, Snowden expressed outrage that the US government would seek to drag him back into the country to face prosecution. No offense, Mr. Snowden, but how exactly did you think this was going to play out? Did you think that the government would say it was very sorry and you’d get hugs? Did you miss the Bradley Manning leaks case altogether? Where’s Manning now? Daniel Ellsberg, who leaked the Pentagon Papers, was willing to go to prison for doing so. If you don’t have his courage, then maybe you should have leaked anonymously, or at least gone to Ecuador or Venezuela or wherever and leaked from there.

Snowden has implied that he has yet more secret stuff about the US and he’ll spill the beans if we try to silence him by bombing the Russian airport or hacking his Tumblr account. If he does have more to say, I wish he’d release it all right away and have done with it. I think we have a right to know, don’t you?

But not today, please. It’d get totally buried in the Royal Baby coverage. That shit’s fascinating.

A Letter to the Losers

November 14, 2012

I have to say that it’s particularly nice to be on the winning side of this recent election, if for no other reason than that it gives me the chance to really enjoy the wrath of some unbelievably sore losers.

Now I have great sympathy for people who are on the wrong side in an election. In my day I’ve voted for Jimmy Carter, John Kerry, and God help me, Mike Dukakis. And like many on the left I was outraged by what I saw as George W. Bush’s “theft” of the election from Al Gore. Losing hurts like hell, especially if you think that the opponent has done or is going to do a terrible job. (Who in the name of God voted for “W” twice, anyway? What were you lunatics smoking, and why didn’t you give me some?)

People paid this man hundreds of millions of dollars to totally fail to get candidates elected in the 2012 election. Why? The best guess is because they were very very stupid.

But in the present election, I can’t help but think that some on the Right are taking their defeat kind of hilariously badly. In some cases this is due to the fact that they were persistently and emphatically lied to over the course of the election by their lame-ass hyper-partisan media outlets and other assorted political hacks masquerading as “experts” who repeatedly assured them that they were totally winning and that most of the country hated and feared that black Muslim socialist gay atheist Kenyan as much as they did. So their defeat came totally out of the blue, making it all the harder to bear, and perhaps they can be forgiven to mistaking what was merely a lost election for the end of the world.

Well, let me reassure you folks: come in off the ledge; everything’s going to be okay. The country will survive Obama, just as it survived Bush, Carter, Nixon, and that bastard Millard Fillmore. (Hate that guy.)

Life will go on, I promise. Actually, once things settle down you may not notice much of a difference in your day-to-day existence. Here’s some stuff that Barack Obama and his Merry Band of Gay Marxists aren’t going to do during his second term:

1. Take Your Guns.

The President is not going to take your weaponry. He’s just not. Over the past four years he’s done nothing to limit the amount of grossly lethal hardware out on the streets: why would he start now? Many of us liberals really wish he would, but it’s clearly not important enough for him to waste his political capital on. So cling away – you’re safe. Go out and shoot something and eat it!

2. Gay-Marry You.

If you’re not gay, nobody’s going to force you to become gay. Frankly, you’re just not that attractive and your clothing sense is terrible. So leave the gay people alone and they’ll leave you alone. Promise.(Also, if you are secretly gay, it will be a lot easier for you to come out of the closet and live a full and happy life with the partner of your choice. Though you’re not gay, of course. Except for that one time, but it was in college and you were really drunk. Just forget it.)

3. Surrender to the Commies.

It might be useful to remember that this country spends as much on its military as the next ten countries combined. No one’s exactly sure why, but we do. I guess it’s if everybody else gangs up on us in the playground during recess or something. Plus we have these cool drone things which allow us to slip into other countries we’re not at war with and kill folks without putting our own troops at risk. The US is probably relatively more powerful now than it ever has been in history. Also the Commies are getting rich selling us phones, and this market would dry up if they went to war with us. Even under sequestration we’d still outgun the next nine countries. (We’ll just have to pray that Belgium doesn’t pile on if we’re attacked.) In another words, Red Dawn is FICTION. Relax!

4. Force You to Have Health Insurance.

Okay, you got me on this one. You may be forced to get health insurance. Also your kids. If you really hate the thought of that, you should probably move to Canada.

Oh wait. Scratch that. They have national healthcare there. Also, Mexico. Hmm. Costa Rica? Nope, them too. And Europe is out as well. But wait: Turkmenistan still is free from the scourge – for now. Best get a tetanus shot before you go, though. I understand their healthcare sucks.

You see, it’s just not going to be that bad under Obama II. Things may even improve a little bit, if we can get the bozos in Congress to do what they were hired for. So lighten up!

But, one request: if you DO decide to stick around – and we hope you do – kindly shut the hell up about secession. That’s a load of crap and you know it. Not gonna happen, not even in Texas. Your barbecue’s too good and we’re not letting go of Austin under any circumstances. It really sucked the last time somebody tried that, and we’re not going down that path again. You’re stuck with us; you might as well try to make the best of it.

So let’s shake, buy each other a drink, and together shuffle cautiously forward into the 21st century. I hear it’s nice there. Everybody’s got health insurance.

Hippo Gnu Ear Two Ewe

January 1, 2012

Well, it’s a new year, all right, and already I’m angry. President Barack Obama once again has given the lie to the accusation that he’s a socialist Muslim communist, this time by signing the fascistic National Defense Authorization Act, or as I like to call it, the “Indefinite Detention of Americans We Don’t Much Like Act.”

President Obama included a signing statement saying that he totally promises to not arrest and indefinitely detain anybody unless they really, really deserve it. But can we be sure that a future Michele Bachmann administration will be bound by that? I’m dubious. In all likelihood she’ll start arresting people because they’re from New Mexico. Bastards shoulda moved to an American-sounding state, by God.

Why NYPD cops get hazard pay for working New Year's Eve.

Meanwhile, my buddy Mitt Romney stated proudly that he’d veto “The Dream Act” if elected. Then he’d kick the little foreign kids’ puppies and steal their lunch money. This got a lot of applause in Iowa, as you might expect. Glad to have those forward-thinking people determining who gets to run for president of this country.

Mind you, things aren’t all bad. Last night I got to see feminist role model Jenny McCarthy stick her tongue down the throat of a random New York policeman to celebrate the New Year. And that probably doesn’t happen more than 60 or 70 times a year. Stay classy, Jenny!

Also, our chickens have finally begun laying, and I had my first fresh home-grown eggs for breakfast this morning. The yolks are bright orange and they’re amazingly tasty. The chickens haughtily eschew the laying boxes I so carefully crafted a year ago, instead finding more innovative places to deposit their burdens — like under the snow thrower or in the middle of the patio in the back yard — where they’ll be safe. As my wife says, “No wonder they’re food products.”

This can't end well.

Did I mention that I won my first ever fantasy football league this year? It was amazing. My wife claims all of the credit, saying that she told me to take Drew Brees. I counter that she picked him merely because he’s dreamy, and it was me who brilliantly drafted Rob Gronkowski, the amazing New England Patriots’ tight end — though to be honest, I  just liked his name.

People who know what they’re doing really hate it when people like me win these things. That cheers me up immensely.

Not that any of it matters much at this point. Apparently our league commissioner has run off to Iceland with all of the prize money. He claims he’s on vacation but the bastard’s probably spending it all buying up bankrupt Icelandic investment banks.

So life goes on, the good and bad. 2012 promises to be a year much like any other, unless the Mayans are correct, in which case we’re all dead. And if so at least we won’t have to go through another goddamned election cycle, so it might well be worth it.

Happy New Year, everybody! Here’s hoping yours is healthy and prosperous and full of tasty eggs found in surprising places!

Top Ten Least Successful Books of 2011

December 20, 2011

As a public service for all of you last-minute shoppers, today we’re listing the top ten least successful books of 2011. How thoughtful of us.

Olivia Munn as a totally gratuitous naughty librarian.

10. “The Six Billion People You Won’t Meet in Heaven” by Christopher Hitchens

9. “Google for Homophobes” by Rick Santorum

8. “The Girl with the Gingrich Tattoo” by Stieg Larsson

7. “The Audacity of Abject Surrender” by Barack Obama

6. “Harry Potter and the Quiddich Locker-Room Showers” by JK Rowling and Jerry Sandusky

5. “Fannie and Freddie and Me: A Love Story” by Newt Gingrich

4. “I Am Curious (Orange)” by John Boehner

3. “Kim Jong Il – The Chippendale Years” by Kitty Kelly

2. “Stanley the Christmas Jew” by Pat Robertson

1. “Gingrich? Really? What the Fuck Do I Have to Do, Blow Each of You Individually?” A Political Diary by Mitt Romney


So that’s it. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Sobering News

November 3, 2011

As my tens of loyal readers know, I have recently been laid low by a persistent infection following some belly surgery gone slightly awry. While I’m mostly fine now, I am still unable to do much work around the house, which means that my lovely wife has been busting her chops trying to keep the ol’ homestead together without my assistance. That she hasn’t killed me yet is testament to her patience and strength.

My wife is far too good for me. Just sayin.

Because of alleged dangerous interactions* between alcohol and the antibiotics I’m taking, I am also forbidden to drink. This forces me to view the world around me with dangerous sobriety. That is no way to face the news of the day.

Herman Cain’s Rude Gesture Problem

As you’ve no doubt heard by now, the fine news organization Pro Publica has pooped out a story alleging “inappropriate behavior” by Herman Cain during the 1990s, when he was head of the National Restaurant Association. Allegedly, two (or more) women complained of “sexually suggestive behavior by Cain that made them angry and uncomfortable,” and they “accepted financial payouts to leave the association.”

In response, Herman Cain waffled and gabbled for a couple of days, first denying all knowledge, then denying selective knowledge, then lying, and then blaming the Liberal Elite Media for muck-raking. As it turns out, the info was dug up and leaked by either a Rick Perry minion or a Mitt Romney servitor, nobody knows for certain.

Now everybody in the Republican Party is throwing mud at everybody else and the media and punditry are having a big, satisfying scandalgasm. Meanwhile, Barack Obama has been spotted doing the Snoopy Dance in the Lincoln Bedroom.

I find this all extremely irritating. Long before this junk came to light, I disliked Herman Cain for his crappy ideas. These included a bogus tax scheme designed to cut taxes to the wealthy, raise taxes on the poor and generally pauperize the country, as well as a hilarious plan to put up a big electrified Mexican-zapping fence on the country’s southern border, patrolled no doubt by “sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads.”

"And we'll bury families of radioactive weasels UNDER the fence to keep the Mexicans from digging tunnels!"

Cain also famously said that the poor should blame themselves for not being rich (in a country with over 9% unemployment, mind you), and recently stated his fear that China was “developing nuclear capability” (which they’ve had since the ‘60s).

So where was the “lame-stream media” when he was babbling this junk? Nowhere. They were too busy reporting on the horse race to point out that he was a dangerous crank — if not a total lunatic. But one lewd gesture, one inappropriate “black walnut” comment twenty years ago and they’re all over him like piranhas on Michele Bachmann with a nosebleed.

Mind you, I don’t like sexual harassment any better than the next dude, but this guy is so grossly incompetent that he should have been laughed out of the presidential race months ago, long before this ancient scandal came to light.


Ann Coulter Stands up for the Black Man

Did you watch the Daily Show on November 2, 2011? It contained one of the funniest bits of television I’ve ever seen, in which Donald Trump accuses Jon Stewart of racism and Ann Coulter boasts that the Conservatives’ blacks are better and blacker than the Liberals’ blacks. It’s almost impossible to describe how idiotically racist Mr. Trump and Ms. Coulter sound. It’s positively brilliant. It’s a long clip, but you should seriously check it out.

There is incontrovertible evidence that this woman is a total jerkwad. Why does she keep appearing on TV?

You have to wonder why FOX lets either of these clowns appear on their network. I suspect that Rupert Murdoch is suffering from advanced syphilis, but I have no facts to back that up. It just feels right, you know?


*Vomiting, disorientation, diarrhea, and death.  Like going to a Justin Beiber concert.

I Can’t be Tamed

June 22, 2010

In the list of things that I don’t care about, whether or not Miley Cyrus is too young to dress like a bimbo is right up there at the top. It’s big news on the entertainment shows and clogging the tubes of the Interweb, along with what is going to happen to the short dead black guy’s body. Which I also don’t care anything about a lot, so much so in fact that I can’t remember his name.

Children are the future!

Gary Coleman.  That’s him. The little creepy dude who was in that show. I don’t care at all what happens to his body, as long as I don’t have to keep tripping over the blasted thing. Make up your mind and get it out of here already, willya?

I also don’t give a rat’s ass about BP executives making idiotic remarks about “the little people” and suchlike. They’re goddamned foreigners, so what can you expect? I do care that they get the leak plugged and pay through the eyeballs to clean up their mess, but they can say any damned fool thing they want as long as they keep writing the checks.

I also don’t care if President Obama looks angry enough. That’s entirely unimportant to me. I do care that the Federal response to the catastrophe seems slow and disjointed, and that nobody has convinced me that we’ll be better able to handle the next such disaster that occurs (and there will be another one, you betcher). I totally care about that − to the extent that it makes me kinda nauseous to think about it.

But that leaves me little room to care at all about Miley Cyrus, Gary Coleman, or that Julianne Hough is going to star in the “Footloose” remake.


Hang on a second. Julianne Hough is cute as a bug. Why the hell is she appearing in yet another bogus remake of another lame ’80s entertainment title? Julianne, you’re wasting your talents here!

Julianne Hough would look great in harem pajamas.

You should be appearing in a remake of “I Dream of Jeannie,” which is a brilliant ’60s entertainment title featuring a scantily-clad bimbette eager to fill her master’s every wishes. You’d be totally hot as Jeannie.

But I digress.

Miley Cyrus, you go girl! You’re a star and almost 18 years old, by which time your 15 minutes of fame will almost certainly be over, thank God. In the meantime, dress however you like. I just don’t care.

Julianne, call me.