Posts Tagged ‘Arizona’

A Night at the Museum

February 23, 2014
The De Young Museum. Nicer on the inside I promise.

The De Young Museum. Nicer on the inside I promise.

It began – as all great stories begin – with a phone call from my wife. “Hi, Darling! What are your plans for today? I hope you’re going out. You spend too much time in that apartment!”

“You know, Honey, it’s been a really tough week. I was thinking of taking it easy, maybe playing some video games, catching a nap…”

“A museum it is, then! Which one are you going to?”

Of course my wife was right. I need to get out more, lest I turn into a total pasty pudding. And I like museums, especially art museums. They’re temperature-controlled and mostly free of hordes of screaming children found at other public venues. And sometimes I even like the art.

So doing the standard level of research – typing “San Francisco museums” into Google maps and tapping on an entry at random, I decided to visit the De Young museum in Golden Gate Park. I hopped on the handy Powell streetcar, rumbled down to Market, and jumped off in search of adventure and coffee and the N train.

I don't know what the hell it is, but it's cool. By some Inuit with a sense of humor.

A boat crewed by humans and I dunno – seals? Pigs? They seem to be getting along.

A quick note: If you’re coming to San Francisco, one of the top food cities in the world, be sure to eat at the Burger King at Powell and Market. I mean it’s not like there aren’t 200 fine restaurants within a quarter-mile of that establishment you cretins. What’s wrong with you people?


I got coffee and a cheese Danish and boarded the glorious N train. Then I cursed and exited at the next stop, because it was going in the wrong direction. Eventually I got on the right goddamned train and headed off toward the museum.

On the train I noticed a couple of young men sitting across from me engaging in what could only be called “spooning.”  I wanted to go over to them and apologize for the fucking asshole homophobic Arizona legislature, but decided against it. Why ruin their day? After a couple of minutes one dude pulled out a liter bottle of Stolichnaya vodka, took a snort and offered one to his swain. He then yanked out a large bag of pot and both began rolling huge doobies. Or fatties. Or maybe they were reefers. I dunno. But they were clearly totally unconcerned that about 25 people were watching them. Presumably they had medical conditions – excessive tumescence, perhaps. Poor bastards.

Cribbage boards. Made out of some material you disapprove of. Suck it up: it's art.

Cribbage boards. Made out of some material you disapprove of. Suck it up: it’s art.

Eventually I reached the designated stop in what I’m claiming is the “Inner Sunset” neighborhood and strode manfully north into Golden Gate Park. Passing the Botanical Gardens and the Japanese Tea Gardens (about both of which I have written elsewhere) I made it to the De Young Museum.

The De Young is a long, low steel-brown building with a vaguely rectangular protuberance atop it, designed (one assumes) by an architect hoping to build the world’s ugliest art museum. On the inside it’s a fine museum, with well-lit galleries and comfortable viewing spaces, but outside it looks like the kind of place where the Germans used slave labor to make tanks in World War II.

Because of my extensive non-preparation, I was surprised to see that the museum was featuring a big Georgia O’Keefe exhibit. Sharp questioning revealed that the exhibit cost 40 bucks to enter and there were no tickets available for an hour. Deciding that if I wanted to pay 40 bucks to see a bunch of vaginas I could always go to the Condor strip club on Broadway*, I declined the O’Keefe show and contented myself with the purchase of a general-entry ticket.

Dead on a highway to heaven? What?

Dead bunny on a highway to heaven? What?

Let me just say for the record that I LOVE THIS MUSEUM. I can only assume that the curator has been secretly reading my mind on what I’d like to see in an art museum and put it into practice. The De Young is not too big, and not too small. It has an eclectic collection of collections, including Modern, Native American, photography, textiles and (Lord knows why) a ton of wonderful stuff from New Guinea.

I started off in a room filled with Inuit sculpture and scrimshaw, then hit a gallery of big, glowy weirdo glass art thingies, then stumbled into a collection of old Peruvian works, then into a horrid room filled with those awful modern things that all seem to consist of squares of grey paint labeled “Reflections on Mortality Number 38.” From there I found myself in an exhibit of sketches and photographs of the construction of the Golden Gate Bridge. After that it was upstairs into the wonderful New Guinea art, then into a surprise collection of American primitives and cool-ass old furniture and then out.

Some dudes. With hats.

Some dudes. With hats.

I spent maybe two hours in the De Young and was constantly educated, entertained and amused. Clearly the collector/curator has a wonderful sense of fun, and I would be proud to display most of the pieces in my home. (Except maybe for the many New Guinean carvings of dudes with enormous boners.  They’d probably give me an inferiority complex.)

I took a bunch of pictures which I hope you like. Give me a yell the next time you’re in San Francisco. I’m itching to hook up the boner’d statues with O’Keefe’s vagina pictures. Yowsers.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

Ancient astronaut.

Ancient astronaut.

This mobile was made from bits of a southern church that was burned by arsonists. Wow.

This mobile was made from bits of a southern church that was destroyed by arsonists. Wow.

He's glad to see you.

He’s glad to see you.

And we end with William Techumseh Sherman. Because why not?

And we end with William Techumseh Sherman. Because why not?


* Just kidding, Honey! Ha, ha!


Hat Dance, Part II – Mea Culpa, Baby

April 29, 2010

Following up on the near universal popularity of my last post, “Hat Dance,” in which I may have mis-characterized the intent behind the new law in Arizona, upon deeper reflection I have several comments and clarifications:

1. It’s important for us northern liberal types to get our heads around the enormity of the crisis in the border states, which is destroying communities, overwhelming hospitals, and killing both residents and illegals alike. The federal government has been totally paralyzed on this issue because of a bunch of  conflicting interests, including sympathy for the migrants, a need for cheap labor, an inability to pay for secure borders, federal and local turf wars, and basic xenophobia, all of which combine to stop the Feds from crafting a policy which provides amnesty, work visas, road to citizenship, and secure borders.

The bill is a reaction to this paralysis, not a sign of racism. My kneejerk response was at least ill-considered, if not unfair and idiotic. If it does nothing else, this bill may well force the federal government to Do Something.

2. I wish I had thought twice before publishing the previous blog and had instead written about goat hijinks or something.

3. Even with all the sympathy in the world to the people on the border, the bill is still bad. Bad, bad, bad. Noted liberal shills Lindsey Graham and Carl Rove both agree that it’s got constitutional problems. Others note that it might very well destroy Arizona’s crucial trading relationship with Mexico and bankrupt the state too. So to my conservative buddies: it is possible for people who want to solve immigration issues to dislike this bill because it’s just plain bad.

4. JLo is still totally hot. Here’s another picture of her.

Jennifer Lopez accepted my apology, so why can't you?

Jennifer Lopez accepted my apology, so why can't you?

Thanks for your attention,

Paul Murphy

From the Political Desk

April 27, 2010

Hat Dance

Now that it’s illegal to wear a sombrero in Arizona without carrying proof of citizenship, all of our immigration problems are finally over. Thank God Governor Jan Brewer has shown the visionary courage to declare war on brown people. Already, Mexico’s government has issued an advisory to Mexican citizens warning them against traveling in Arizona, noting, “[I]t must be assumed that every Mexican citizen may be harassed and questioned without further cause at any time.”

Well done, Governor Brewer! If all legal Mexican visitors stay out of Arizona, then anybody brown who is left must be illegal and should be rounded up and deported.

I'm not exactly sure where she would keep them, but Jennifer Lopez would totally be subject to arrest if she lounged around seductively in Arizona without her papers.

Incidentally, here’s the text from the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution of the US:

“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

But that’s not the Amendment that lets us keep our guns, so to fuck with it. Brewer is to be commended for her bold action against illegal foreigners and those who look like them.

Bi (Partisan) Curious

Big news: Republican Senator Lindsay Graham has been cooperating with Democrats on Immigration reform and various other matters because he’s secretly gay and being blackmailed by Democrats! This shocking revelation was made by William Gheen of the Americans for Legal Immigration Political Action Committee (ALIPAC), who revealed the startling facts at a recent Tea Party rally in South Carolina.

Curses! Fellow Democrats, our fiendish plot has been discovered! However did they learn the truth?

Apparently, Lindsey Graham's secret is out.

Crabs for Crabs?

Republican Sue Lowden, who is challenging Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D) for his senate seat in Nevada, has come up with a brilliant plan. She believes that the Healthcare Reform Act be repealed. In its place, she suggests that patients can keep their healthcare costs down by bartering with their doctors rather than paying them in money. Failing to see the elegant simplicity of her plan, the “Negative Nelly” Democrats have labeled it “Chickens for Checkups” and mocked it mercilessly.

Fortunately, Nevada’s astute voters have seen through the Democrats’ desperate ploy, and Lowden still leads Reid in the polls.

Clearly Lowden is just the kind of person we need in the Senate! Great work, Nevada!

Editor’s Note

So WTF? Am I missing something? Just how frickin’ incompetent must the Democrats be when they’re getting beaten up by the party that puts these clowns in positions of power or runs them in important elections? Jeeze. Maybe Obama needs to do a buddy movie with Tom Hanks or something.