Things That Are True, Thanksgiving Edition

I have nothing snarky to say here. I love these guys.

I have nothing snarky to say here. I love these guys.

These Things Are True:

  1. The Detroit Lions (and whichever team is going to beat them) play football on Thanksgiving. Other football games are unnecessary.
  2. Cooking a ham on Thanksgiving is weird. Seriously.
  3. Two different kinds of turkey is pushing it. Three is a sign of insanity, and my cousins should seek immediate help.
  4. You do not need that many frickin’ side dishes. Mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, and creamed onions about covers it. Also, sauerkraut.
  5. Candied yams are nasty.
  6. Okay, serving sauerkraut with turkey is unnatural. I accept that. But it is also quite tasty.
  7. There may be a technical difference between stuffing and dressing, but NOBODY cares. Use whichever one you like.
  8. Real stuffing/dressing is made with white bread cubes. Cornbread is unnatural and oysters is just crazy. Fact.
  9. Okay, they may be extremely tasty, but still.
  10. Bozos who put up Christmas decorations BEFORE Thanksgiving are bozos. Their neighbors should sneak over one night and take them all down again. (Think of the Twilight Zone moment when they go outside the next day!)
  11. The only stores that should be open on Thanksgiving are gas stations and convenience stores. Supermarkets can be open until noon.
  12. Executives who open chain stores on Thanksgiving are tools who should be dunked head-first into a turkey fryer, ESPECIALLY if they themselves choose to not work on that day. Fuck those guys.
  13. People go who shopping on Thanksgiving (except for cigarettes and emergency stuffing) are tool-enablers who should have a package of raw giblets stuffed up their butts.
  14. Apple pies should contain apples, a touch of sugar, and crustiness. (Cinnamon is optional.) All other ingredients are unnecessary and in fact detract from the general apple-pieness of the experience.
  15. It was really shitty what we did to the native population of this land, and we should remember that, particularly on Thanksgiving. But it’s still okay to enjoy pie.
  16. My political opinions are correct. Yours are stupid and should not be expressed in front of the children. You never could handle your liquor.
  17. Here’s hoping that you and yours have a great holiday. Because you deserve it.

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2 Responses to “Things That Are True, Thanksgiving Edition”

  1. jlbmuse Says:

    Are you coming east for thanksgiving?

    Jeff Briggs


  2. Sam Walton Says:

    You have really entered into the holiday spirit here. I am like totally brushing back a tear.

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