Think About It

Ted Cruz claims victory in the Government Shutdown

Ted Cruz claims victory in the Government Shutdown

Now that the whole shameful shutdown “kerfuffle” is over, I just wanted to thank the GOP for graciously agreeing to not irreparably cripple the country and destroy the world economy. You guys are the best!

While I have your attention, can anybody explain why Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada, gets to be a terrible US Senator? Couldn’t Texas find any real American idiots to represent them in the Federal government? Hell, many Texans think dudes from New Mexico are foreigners; why would they put this damned Canuck in office? Did the Tea Party ever demand to see Cruz’s birth certificate? Was it the long form?

I don’t understand. How come those nutjobs are so sure that Barack Obama, born in Hawaii (which is like American territory but with better health care), is a foreigner, while at the same time they believe that this known Canadian is American? These guys confuse me.

Did you see where Cruz claimed that the House vote to defund Obamacare was “a remarkable victory?” Whatever. Maybe in Canadian “football” (what we call “hockey”) total humiliating defeat is considered “victory,” but according to American NFL rules, the guys who get the most TDs are the winners. It’s all decided on the line of scrimmage, pal: ask Phil Simms. So shut up and go back to France you Acadian loser.

While we’re on the subject, has anyone else noted the startling similarities between the movies “Saw” and “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?” They both feature creepy dudes who punish people in ridiculously complex manners for their normal human foibles. In “Saw,” a philanderer gets cut in half by a bread knife wielded by her wronged ex-boyfriend who is only trying to get the key that unlocks the box of rabid scorpions attached to his genitals. In “Willie Wonka,” a greedy child is horribly transformed into a huge blueberry and then has to listen to those terrible, terrible Oompa-Loompas sing about her crimes as they carry her off to hell or wherever.

I mean the kid was a jerk, but seriously, all of that over a piece of frickin’ candy? Imagine if that happened on an episode of “Law and Order: Special Victim Unit” – Mariska Hartigay would pop a cap in Wonka’s ass before you could say “Golden Ticket.” (Which also sounds frickin creepy in my opinion.)

Think about it.


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2 Responses to “Think About It”

  1. Paul Murphy Says:

    I always give my blogs five stars. And I often like them. But this one is the best, seriously. I’m not just saying that. I did a good job here. I’m gonna start following me on twitter right away.

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