Positive Thinking


I don’t mean to sound shallow, but on any given day my mood is largely determined by the success or failure of my fantasy football teams. Last weekend was  a split – 2 wins to 1 loss – so I’m in pretty good shape today, able to face the imminent destruction of our country and the world economy with a certain degree of cheerfulness and aplomb.

From what I can tell by not watching the news because it’s too depressing and makes me angry, most of the US’s mainstream politicians are desperately trying to come to some kind of a deal and escape the cry-baby scorched-earth machinations of the increasingly-isolated and loony Tea Partiers. They in turn are quacking like agitated ducks, as is their practice when they don’t get what they want.

House Speaker John Boehner is at the crux of the crisis. Ultimately the fate of the United States may well rest on whether he’s willing to lose his speakership in order to do what’s right: ie, tell the Tea Partiers to go fuck themselves. In other words, we’re all screwed. Best go buy some guns and zombie repellent now, Boys – the Apocalypse is upon us!

You get a disturbingly large number of results when you do a Google search on "Cheerleader Zombies."

You get a disturbingly large number of results when you do a Google search on “Cheerleader Zombies.”

Apocalypse Okay!

But let’s look on the bright side. Seriously, would an apocalypse be totally a bad thing?

If the world does come to an end, it probably means I won’t have to listen to any more smug white dudes explain how the term “Redskin” isn’t offensive. Here’s a simple test. If you want to find out if “Redskin” is offensive, try using it on a Native American Marine just back from overseas duty. If you still have all of your teeth, it’s not offensive.

Further, if these are the Final Days, I will not be forced to reexamine my position on the Miley Cyrus twerking controversy. Originally I was horrified (as any married man must be) at her lewdness and wanton abuse of a “we’re number 1” glove, but recently Sir Paul McCartney came out in favor of Ms. Cyrus’s performance, so now I’m conflicted. If the world doesn’t end, I may settle on a more nuanced position: “Miley can do whatever she wants on stage cuz artistic freedom, but it was still a terrible performance cuz she sucks and also has a flat butt.”

Finally, if the country fails, it almost certainly means that those Lying Shits at the NSA will get their funding cut. (Also, there will be no phones and Internet for them to tap, so there’s that.) Did you see where the head Lying NSA Shit had to admit that the numbers they had been feeding Congress about the success of their mass-phone-tapping program were totally bullshit? Screw those guys!

Of course now the world has to end, preferrably before the NSA reads this blog and sends a hit squad after me. I’d hate to end up in the frickin’ Ecuadorean embassy in London having to listen to goddamned Julian Assange say “I told you so” for the rest of my life. What a whiner that guy is.

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2 Responses to “Positive Thinking”

  1. Julian Says:

    Actually, all of Homeland Security was fully funded (just like Congress’s salaries) during the government shutdown. All of it! including the NSA shits, who tracked your blog throughout the entire debacle. (And by “debacle” I refer to the shutdown and not your blog, though this must be very confusing to your readers.)

    So, take your choice between Ecuador n Venezuela.

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