Politics of the Dead

Not sure that the young lady in the second row is really in the proper frame of mind. Shame!

I don’t think that the young lady in the second row is addressing the zombie walk with the seriousness it deserves. Shame, Young Lady! Shame!

I want to tell you about this dream I had last night. I was at the store searching desperately for a stylus for my iPad when I realized that I wasn’t wearing any pants. This was ridiculous for a number of reasons: first, I don’t actually own an iPad, and second, iPads don’t use styluses*. So I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.

Anyway, then the zombies attacked, at which point my lack of pants became a lot less important. Luckily I was in a mall, so I just hunkered down until I was woken by screaming German tourists riding the San Francisco trolley down Powell Street outside my window. That’s how most of my dreams end – screaming German tourists on the goddamned trolley outside my window. Bastards.

But I digress. At some point during the dream it occurred to me that zombies are perhaps the worst-designed creatures in the universe, reproduction-wise. Even worse than Lutherans.

Let’s say that you’re a zombie. You’re slow, clumsy, and grossly, amazingly, pathologically stupid, so pretty much the only prey that you’re likely to be able to catch and eat is a human being. Now let’s say that you catch one: then what? You eat ‘em up. Crunch, crunch, aieee, crunch, noms. All that’s left is a sneaker maybe, and perhaps a pair of breast implants if your victim was a Real Housewife. Then you wander off, mindlessly looking for your next meal. You’re full, but you’ve created no new zombies.

So where do little zombies come from? They come from the same source as the zombies’ dinner: humans. To make a new zombie, the mommy or daddy zombie has to find a human dumb or injured enough to bite, but who is then able to get away before getting eaten up.

Further, the potential new zombie also has to avoid being dispatched by a horrified and conflicted human pal, with all the subsequent weeping and hugging of the headless corpse and cursing of God and stuff, not to mention the tiresome “shoot yourself in the brain to avoid becoming a monster” routine that some spoilsport victims engage in.

What a grossly difficult and stupid way to have to survive, bless their little non-beating hearts. George Romero has a lot to answer for.

After mulling this over for a while, BAM! It hit me:

Holy Shit! The Tea Party is Stupider than Zombies!

Let me explain.

So you’re Ted Cruz and his wacky Tea Party brain trust, and you find yourself in a difficult situation:

• We hate Obamacare a lot, and we seriously want it stopped.

• We have been unable to stop it legislatively, and the courts have declared it legal.

• We have not done anything to improve the law we hate so much because we have been too fixated on destroying it in its entirety. Also we’re as dumb as a box of rocks.

• It’s about to go into effect, and once enough uninsured Americans are getting insurance through the ACA, we’re screwed. We’ll never dig it out.

Oh please please please please please make this guy the GOP's next presidential standard-bearer! Please!

Oh please please please please please make this guy the GOP’s standard-bearer in the next presidential election! Pretty please!

That’s bad. So what do you do?

“I’ve got it! Let’s shut down the government! Once the American people begin to suffer then the Democrats will capitulate and agree to delay Obamacare until we can get a legislative majority and destroy it in the next Congress! Then I’ll get elected President! Belly up to the bar, boys! Cheap hookers and whiskey for everybody!” – Ted Cruz

Brilliant, right? But there’s one tiny flaw in Senator Cruz and his squadron of flying monkeys’ master plan: those Americans they’re fucking over to use as leverage against the Democrats? They’re also the electorate.

So that guy whose soldier son is denied a death benefit, Senator? He’s a voter. So is the woman who has been put in the hospital by the salmonella outbreak that the CDC can’t properly follow up on. The family who have to scrap their plans for visiting Yosemite? They contribute to election campaigns.

And – surprise! – they’re not as dumb as you think they are. Lord knows why you mouth-breathers believed that the electorate would blame the Democrats for this debacle, but they know who is at fault. That’s why your poll numbers are plunging faster than a paralyzed African swallow, you morons. You’re eating your own fucking constituency.

And you’re not even fictional, like zombies. You’re just stupid. So knock it off.


*The “no pants” part is a fairly standard predicament for me, dream-wise: my psychiatrist tells me that it’s merely a generalized anxiety traceable to the fact that I regularly forget to put my pants on before going out the door.


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2 Responses to “Politics of the Dead”

  1. H. Heffner Says:

    The problem is that Ted Cruz has bitten a lot of people without killing them, thereby creating more zombies, like… ummmm well I can’t actually think of anyone, but you get my point.

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