Three Songs About Wednesday


1. Email, 7:30 pm

To: Company Culinary Department

From: Me

Subject: Tonight’s Dinner

Hi!

I don’t know who thought it would be cute to do a “Wave Twisters” themed dinner tonight, but I recommend that you do not allow that person near sharp objects until he or she undergoes a full psych evaluation. The food itself was excellent, as usual, but the movie’s unending opening montage of rotting teeth, projected on a 20′ by 20′ screen not ten feet from where I was eating, was not fine. It put me right off my meal.

Seriously dudes, do you not watch these things ahead of time?

I’m eagerly looking forward to your “Shoah” or “Saw III” themed dinner tomorrow night.

Sincerely,

Me

Tasty!

Tasty!

2. Telephone Conversation, 8:45 pm

Operator: Thank you for calling the Clipper Card Help Line. How can I assist you?

Me: Howdy. My Clipper Card isn’t reflecting the monthly bus pass I purchased yesterday. I had to pay for my ride home tonight, and I didn’t have any cash on me. I had to walk to an ATM and then wait 30 minutes for the next bus.

Operator: Oh, I’m sorry. At what machine did you purchase the bus pass?

Me: I purchased it online.

Operator: Oh, there it is. I see it now. Sir, it takes three to five days after you make a purchase online before it appears on your card.

Me: Why?

Operator: Because it does.

Me: But you see that I added it right? It’s in the system?

Operator: Yes sir.

Me: Then can’t you just turn it on?

Operator: No sir.

Me: Why not?

Operator: Because it takes three to five days after you make a purchase online before it appears on your card.

Me: Yeah, but WHY?

Operator: Because it does.

Me: All righty then.

Operator: Thank you for calling the Clipper Card Help Line. Would you like to participate in a short automated survey about the quality of our service after this phone call?

Me: Probably not a good idea.

Operator: All righty then. Goodnight.

Me: [Click.]

3. Text Message, 3:45 am

(From wife on farm in Pennsylvania)

.

OMG PAULIE you didn’t accidentally take the dog’s anti-anxiety medicine, did you?

.

Dude. I totally need a Big Weekend.

Save me, Tom Petty!

And it’s only Thursday, God help me. Dude. I totally need a big weekend.

.

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