Anger Issues


This lucky bastard gets paid for being angry. I hate him.

This lucky bastard gets paid for being angry. I hate him.

I’ve been having some anger issues lately, and I’ve begun to wonder if my transformation into grumpy old bastard isn’t proceeding even faster than scheduled. I’m not talking about being angered by the big issues – impending war with Syria or my team’s woeful performance in fantasy football last week – that’s perfectly natural and reasonable. No, I’m talking about what could be called “The JT Effect” – becoming totally infuriated by some minor dumbness encountered in one’s daily life.

JT (maybe not his real name) is a friend of mine who recently posted on Facebook how he had become filled with rage at the behavior of a woman in the checkout line at a grocery store. Apparently the shameless way the woman had flaunted her reusable grocery bags had driven him to the brink of madness, if not beyond. He exacted a hideous revenge by demanding more plastic grocery bags than he needed and then throwing them away – right in her face.

This occurred to me the other day at my local chicken joint (Il Pollaio, in North Beach) when I decided I wanted to kill the guy at the next table who ordered half of a chicken, but he wanted it boned. So you’re too good to cut your own goddamned chicken, you effete bastard? To hell with you. I hope you choke on the Pope’s nose.

On further reflection I decided that perhaps I was being a tad harsh – perhaps he wasn’t allowed knives at home or he had some hand infirmity I couldn’t see – but at the time I just wanted to hurl a French fry at him (you should see Il Pollaio’s fries – they’re the size of bricks, but still crunchy and lovely). I didn’t, of course – but I ate it in a very pointed fashion. Message sent.

Just yesterday I was riding the bus to work when I spotted a dude wearing Google glasses. I swear to God the first thought that crossed my mind was, boy I really wish I could hack into his computer and print out on his own glasses what an asshole he is. “This reality isn’t cool enough for you, Techno-Boy? Do you wear these things when you’re bonking* your nasty robot girlfriend?” I spent the rest of the ride thinking of neat things you could do to someone if you got control of their computerized glasses. Move everything to the right by a foot, say. Or block out oncoming bicycles. That would be hilarious.

You know I was kidding about hating Louis Black, right? Black's a comic genius. But I really REALLY hate this woman, who also makes her living being angry.

You know I was kidding about hating Louis Black, right? Black’s a comic genius. But I really REALLY hate this woman, who also makes her living being angry.

I’d like to say that upon consideration I realized that I was being unreasonably hostile to somebody I didn’t know, but it didn’t happen. I just went on hating him, from the tips of his stupid-ass loafers to the top of his lustrous black hair. (The fact that he bore an uncanny resemblance to Elvis Costello just made me despise him more.) And when he got up to exit the bus and revealed that he was wearing a solar-powered backpack, well that just sealed the deal. This guy was dead to me.

The frightening thing is that I have these feelings even though I haven’t played “Grand Theft Auto V” yet. Lord alone knows what that game is going to do to me.

So if you’re a good-looking Google-glass-wearing twit with a solar-powered backpack, a word of advice: keep an eye out for the crazed maniac driving a stolen Camaro down the sidewalk at 90 miles an hour. In my reality you’re worth 10 points.

____________________________________

*Not necessarily the specific word I thought.

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2 Responses to “Anger Issues”

  1. F. Perdue Says:

    I would like to have this blog boned. No problem–I’ll wait.

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