That’s What Friends Are For



I don’t often put up these kinds of blogs but I’m doing so today because I want to find out who my friends are. My real friends will read all the way to the bottom of this blog and do what it says, while my supposed friends will not.

It’s not that I’m a passive-aggressive paranoid whiner with low self-esteem who needs constant reassurance about how loved and admired he is and engages in petty blackmail on Facebook to get it, it’s just that over the years I’ve accumulated a large number of sycophantic, weasely back-stabbing so-called “friends” who in reality hate me and want to see me fail in everything, so it’s time to find out exactly who is who.

I’m not making any threats here, but I’m about to go through my “friends” list and cull out the back-biters and scandalizers,  retaining just a small cadre of people I can really trust and count on. I’m not saying that doing what I ask here will guarantee you a place in the final list, but it will certainly be a mark in your favor.

I simply have no time for people who aren’t willing to follow my instructions blindly, no matter how dumb they are. So if you aren’t really a friend of mine, do me a favor and stop reading now. We’ll both be better off if you honestly acknowledge that you simply can’t be bothered to do even the smallest, most reasonable thing that I ask, because you’re that selfish and lazy and don’t care about your friends.

But if you are a real friend – if you really care about me – you’ll do as I ask. First, “Like” this blog. Then give it 5 stars. Then write one word – just one – in the “Leave a Reply” section below describing your true feelings for me at this precise moment.

Spelling counts.

Addendum (addenda?) Who cares?

Just saw this pretty cool blog about the same thing, but not written by an asshole like me. Check it out. It’s called “80% Won’t Post This.”


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18 Responses to “That’s What Friends Are For”

  1. Paul Murphy Says:


  2. Jason Schklar Says:


  3. Stephen Foster Says:


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  11. Anders Howard Says:


  12. Your True Friend Says:

    I really don’t get this blog. Is it serious? But what will happen if I fall off your list? Wouldn’t YOU be the bad friend then? And suppose you want to borrow money from me. Wouldn’t you then realize that I WAS your true friend?

    This is all just over my head. Why can’t you just put up pictures of hot FBI babes like usual? Please give up this nonsense, take my advice, and then do that in your next blog.

  13. Paul Murphy Says:

    Ima let you have a guest appearance on this blog next week. Have your column in no later than Wednesday. No coarse language, please.

  14. eawynncroft Says:


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