Rap Music – A White Perspective

I think it’s about time that I declared my position on the rap music culture that’s destroying this country from the inside, like a baby monster implanted in the chest of the body-politic by a menacing alien wearing gold grills and comically large trousers, ready to burst forth from our societal chest and scamper off into the air vents, leaving our civilization’s lifeless carcass rotting in the corridors of Spaceship History.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “What the hell are you raving about? You don’t know anything about rap music.”

And to a large extent that is true. I never listen to rap, except when it shows up in some place where I can’t switch the channel or fast-forward through it.  So wtf is “Cronk?” It sounds like the name of Fred Flintstone’s pet dinosaur. While we’re at it, please explain all the gold teeth. That’s a “grill,” right? As in, “Get out of my grill, N-word, or I’ma shiv you with my gat. Let’s drink some Cristal and get us some shorties.” The truth is I don’t know anything about rap or rap culture, except that I hate it.

Or do I?

Bill Gates, Ludicris, and Warren Buffet. One of these things is not like the others.

Bill Gates, Ludicris, and Warren Buffet courtside. One of these things is not like the others.

Frankly, there’s nothing more pathetic than cranky middle-aged white guys like me bitching about the music/culture/lifestyles of young, hip, rich black dudes, when in reality we’re just jealous that we can’t be part of it. I mean sure, rappers do sometimes O.D. or shoot each other or get beaten up by cops and stuff, but they don’t show that part on “Entertainment Tonight,” where mostly they‘re hanging with Gates and Buffet, married to Kim Kardashian or otherwise having a great time. Who wouldn’t want a piece of that action?

It’s always been that way. In World War II, when the US entered the war the Nazi propaganda machine tried to terrify the German people with images of Europe being overrun by an army of jitterbugging American negroes. Ooo, scary! Honestly, though, doesn’t that sound like a hoot? What self-respecting continent wouldn’t want to be liberated by hep-cat soldiers jitterbugging their way to Berlin? Hell, I’d take Count Basie’s orchestra playing “One O’clock Jump” over a goddamned oom-pah band tooting “Ride of the Valkyries” any day. Fuck you, Hitler: you’re just jealous.

Wow. This column took a giant left turn into the ether, didn’t it? World War II Nazi propaganda. Sorry. Getting back on topic… Now.

The point is, whenever I find myself getting annoyed by black rap culture, I try to figure out if I’m really repulsed, or just jealous.

Jitterbugging Negroes to the rescue!

Jitterbugging Negroes to the rescue!

And after careful consideration, I have to say that yeah, I do think much of rap music sounds like a group of feral squirrels cannibalizing each other inside a locked steamer trunk. Sorry, rappers. I really, honestly, loathe your tunes.

But so what? I don’t have to listen to it. Pop a frosty Ensure and pump up the volume on your “Partridge Family” tape, Gramps. Outrage over modern music is pointless and idiotic.

Of course it could be worse: rather than hating it, we grumpy old coots could try to embrace black culture. And nobody wants to see me with a sideways baseball cap, sucking down Hennessy, my big white butt hanging out of a pair of droopy trousers.


Go fuck your lying, gay-hating self, Pat.

Go fuck your lying, gay-hating self, Pat.

On Another Note: Fuck You, Pat Robertson

You know what you did, you evil, crazy old bastard. How can you possibly still be on the air?


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2 Responses to “Rap Music – A White Perspective”

  1. ShortSightedYouth Says:

    Hahahahaha I like your honesty about your perspective. I am also a white person who occasionally ponders rap culture. Thankfully it’s finally starting to become diversified, so now there are rappers who will actually approach things like mastering skills, failing, insecurities, personal triumphs, emotions etc…still there are those that say some crazy gangsta shit…and at the end of the day those are the ones who end up spitting the best and most memorable
    lines lol .

  2. Duke E. Says:

    I don’t want to get all Wikipedia on you, but did people actually jitterbug to Count Basie? Don’t make me look it up–don’t!

    We could ask Pat Robertson, though, because he remembers the 1930s better than he remembers where he left his frontal lobes.

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