The following bad health tips are brought to you by 32-oz sodas and girls eating cinnamon on You Tube. I recommend that you follow them rigidly, in the sense of what the fuck are you thinking?
If Take-Out Sushi Has Been Sitting Forgotten in the Car for a Few Hours – Make sure you refrigerate it thoroughly before eating it.
Do Not Store Raw Chicken on the Same Shelf in the Refrigerator with the Manatee Squeezin’s – Because cross-contamination.
The DONUT CHEESEBURGER didn’t destroy noted diabetic Paula Deen’s career, the N-word did. So it stands to reason that this is okay.
Eating Parts From Endangered Animals Shaped Like Erections Will Cure Your Boner Problems – Elephant tusks, rhinoceros horn, stuff like that. Better get yours before they all vanish.
Closing Abortion Clinics is the Best Way to Stop Abortions – Just like closing cancer clinics is the best way to stop people from smoking.
Bear Bile Totally Improves Eyesight – Because you’re a credulous idiot.
Noted children’s health guru Jenny McCarthy has intriguing views on vaccinations. Sexy!
If You’re Eating Old Cottage Cheese Loaded with Blue Spots, be Sure to Mix in a Tablespoon of Sriracha – It totally kills the bacteria, and makes it taste great!
Chinese Pet Food Routinely Kills Pets, Sure, But Their Human Food Exports Are Much More Closely Monitored – They must be, right? I mean, they can’t just ship poison shit over here for us to eat, can they?
Underdone Chicken is Okay – If it’s organic.
I Saw This Guy Working in Starbucks With Huge Plugs In His Ears Like He Was Training to be a Freaking Dayak – WTF is up with that?
If You Suffer from Night Sweats, Rub a Little Habanero Pepper Juice in Each Nostril Before Going to Bed – To purge the toxins.
Blue M&Ms Make You Sterile – Or gay. I heard it from this kid I know.
It’s Okay to Smoke While Wearing the Patch – But only if they’re MENTHOLATED cigarettes.
Giving Your 13-Year-Old Daughter Information About Sex Means That You Think She’s a Whore – Wait until you actually catch her having sex with the Senior Debating Team before cluing her in as to why that might not be appropriate.
Tags: abortion, bear bile, boners, chicken, cinnamon, culture, food, health, humor, idiots, Jenny McCarthy, manatee, Paula Deen, sex-education, sushi, whores
I'm Just Sayin' 
August 21, 2013 at 12:42 am |
Also, shrink-wrapped sushi at the supermarket is often marked way down the next day. I guess that’s more of economic advice. I should really leave this to experts like you.
However, I think you got your pix of Paula Dean and J McCarthy mixed up. They’re both adorable, but only one can claim credit for child hospitalization and maybe deaths.
August 21, 2013 at 1:44 am |
Which one?
August 21, 2013 at 9:00 pm
Jennie McCarthy’s a vaccine denier.
August 21, 2013 at 9:17 pm |
I think you underestimate the negative effects Dean’s recipes like “Deep Fried Macaroni and Cheese with Butter Wrapped in Bacon and Breaded and Deep Fried Again and then Dipped in Nacho-Flavored Lard Sauce” have had on children. She may have killed fewer kids than McCarthy, but she’s prolly shortened the lifespans of more.