Bad Health Advice

The following bad health tips are brought to you by 32-oz sodas and girls eating cinnamon on You Tube. I recommend that you follow them rigidly, in the sense of what the fuck are you thinking?

If Take-Out Sushi Has Been Sitting Forgotten in the Car for a Few Hours – Make sure you refrigerate it thoroughly before eating it.

Do Not Store Raw Chicken on the Same Shelf in the Refrigerator with the Manatee Squeezin’s – Because cross-contamination.

The DONUT CHEESEBURGER didn't destroy noted diabetic Paula Deen's career, the N-word did. So it stands to reason that this is okay.

The DONUT CHEESEBURGER didn’t destroy noted diabetic Paula Deen’s career, the N-word did. So it stands to reason that this is okay.

Eating Parts From Endangered Animals Shaped Like Erections Will Cure Your Boner Problems – Elephant tusks, rhinoceros horn, stuff like that. Better get yours before they all vanish.

Closing Abortion Clinics is the Best Way to Stop Abortions – Just like closing cancer clinics is the best way to stop people from smoking.

Bear Bile Totally Improves Eyesight – Because you’re a credulous idiot.

Noted children's health advocate Jenny McCarthy has intriguing views on vaccinations. Sexy!

Noted children’s health guru Jenny McCarthy has intriguing views on vaccinations. Sexy!

 If You’re Eating Old Cottage Cheese Loaded with Blue Spots, be Sure to Mix in a Tablespoon of Sriracha – It totally kills the bacteria, and makes it taste great!

Chinese Pet Food Routinely Kills Pets, Sure, But Their Human Food Exports Are Much More Closely Monitored – They must be, right? I mean, they can’t just ship poison shit over here for us to eat, can they?

Underdone Chicken is Okay – If it’s organic.

 I Saw This Guy Working in Starbucks With Huge Plugs In His Ears Like He Was Training to be a Freaking Dayak – WTF is up with that?

If You Suffer from Night Sweats, Rub a Little Habanero Pepper Juice in Each Nostril Before Going to Bed – To purge the toxins.

Blue M&Ms Make You Sterile – Or gay. I heard it from this kid I know.

 It’s Okay to Smoke While Wearing the Patch – But only if they’re MENTHOLATED cigarettes.

Giving Your 13-Year-Old Daughter Information About Sex Means That You Think She’s a Whore – Wait until you actually catch her having sex with the Senior Debating Team before cluing her in as to why that might not be appropriate.

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4 Responses to “Bad Health Advice”

  1. N. Word Says:

    Also, shrink-wrapped sushi at the supermarket is often marked way down the next day. I guess that’s more of economic advice. I should really leave this to experts like you.

    However, I think you got your pix of Paula Dean and J McCarthy mixed up. They’re both adorable, but only one can claim credit for child hospitalization and maybe deaths.

  2. Paul Murphy Says:

    I think you underestimate the negative effects Dean’s recipes like “Deep Fried Macaroni and Cheese with Butter Wrapped in Bacon and Breaded and Deep Fried Again and then Dipped in Nacho-Flavored Lard Sauce” have had on children. She may have killed fewer kids than McCarthy, but she’s prolly shortened the lifespans of more.

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