Bored Straight


Ever try to remember 12 Incredibly Embarrassing Super Hero transformations? Me neither. But if you had, you could be assured that you’d find them listed somewhere on the Internet. Here, to be precise.

Similarly, you can find the world’s best GIFs here.  No I lie. Clearly these are better.

Oh, HuffPost, only you bring us this kind of hard-hitting nipple-based journalism.

As a staunch believer in the importance of a free press in America, I celebrate the HuffPost’s hard-hitting nipple-watching journalism.

Look, what I’m trying to say is that it’s Friday and I’m bored. And when I’m bored I like nothing better than looking for nonsense on the Internet. You’re probably bored too, so here’s a collection of the Huffington Post’s best work on celebrity nipple-slips, a topic on which they are the Internet’s undisputed masters.

Another thing you can do when you’re bored is look for Louie Gohmert (R-TX) quotes. These are always quite hilarious. Here’s one where Louie explains why he wants to get rid of sex education:

“Mankind has existed for a pretty long time without anyone ever having to give a sex-ed lesson to anybody. And now we feel like, oh gosh, people are too stupid to unless we force them to sit and listen to instructions.” – Louie Gohmert

Very true, Louie. Very true indeed. History has proven again and again that young people innately know how to handle the raw new feelings that are surging urgently within their turgid young loins.

The Internet also has places where you can look up “turgid” if you’re not certain that you know exactly what it means and fear that you might ought to be using “tumescent” instead.

Speaking of loonies, you can also read about Orson Scott Card, that zany homophobic science fiction author who apparently likes to fantasize about Barack Obama turning into a Muslim Hitler. It turns out there’s an entire industry dedicated to comparing folks (Obama particularly) to Hitler. I cannot recommend that you click here unless you’re either a paranoid nutcake or have a super strong stomach and want to get angry.

I found this image while searching for a picture of Obama's "terrorist fist jab." This serendipitous even showcases the excellence of the Internet as a time-wasting device.

I found this image while searching for a picture of Obama’s “terrorist fist jab.” This showcases the excellence of the Internet as a time-wasting device. You never know where it’ll lead you!

But look on the bright side. If you’re a NY Jets fan, these Frootloop hate-monkeys should at least make you feel better about your team’s football coach, Rex Ryan. Hell, he only has a foot fetish. Wonder how his brother, Dallas defensive coordinator Rob, feels about that? You can check here.

While Rob admits that his brother Rex Ryan is “a little freaky” he thinks the whole thing is stupid and people should stop obsessing about it. I have to agree. I feel bad that I enjoyed typing “Jets coach foot fetish” into Google for this article so much.

Look. I’m not proud of this behavior. I should be trying to solve the world’s problems rather than looking for, say, the best photobombs of 2012. But that’s how I spend a boring Friday afternoon.

Am I crazy? Maybe. And that should concern you.

Because you know who else was crazy? Hitler.

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One Response to “Bored Straight”

  1. HSK FLYER Says:

    iT IS fAILED..

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