More Rules for Modern Living


Don’t text while peeing at a urinal. Are you kidding me?

Corollary: It’s okay to text while pooping if nobody can see you, but you should mute the phone or the beeps will give you away. Also, remember to run your phone under hot, soapy water when you’re done because you know exactly where your hands have been. You put that thing up to your mouth, don’t you?

2nd Corollary: Wtf are you thinking?

White people cannot use the “n-word” unless they’re racist douchebags like Rush Limbaugh or they’re Quentin Tarantino in “Pulp Fiction.” Others will be torn apart by wild jackals (ie, the media).

Unless you look this good in a do-rag (and you don't: trust me) just don't use the "n-word."

Attention, White People: Unless you look this good in a bandanna (and you do not) don’t use the “n-word.”

If you’re seriously considering pimping out your baby to “People” magazine or “EW” then you’re dead inside already so you might as well go for it. It’s not like the kid has any chance of a happy, normal life anyway, so she might as well be rolling in dough.

Corollary: You should let the audience of “Good Morning America” choose the baby’s name, because that’d really pull in the ratings.

2nd Corollary: That poor kid. Jesus.

When striding manfully down the sidewalk don’t forget to look up from your phone from time to time or you’ll crash right into me you moron.

Women living in Texas should have their papers in order in case they have to cross the border into Mexico to obtain perfectly-legal medical procedures.

Corollary: Women living in Texas should move elsewhere. I mean wtf.

2nd Corollary: If not, they should at least refuse to have sex with men until this whole fucking thing is fixed. See the play “Lysistrata” for details.

I guess these ladies will be getting their basic healthcare during away games, huh?

I guess these ladies will be getting their basic healthcare during away games, huh?

Just because Florida law says that it’s okay for white people to shoot black kids in hoodies doesn’t mean you have to do so. Try to show some restraint.

Corollary: Blacks living in Florida should move elsewhere. I mean wtf.

2nd Corollary: If a bunch of young black men all of a sudden got themselves carry licenses and began ambling up and down the streets of white neighborhoods I bet the “Stand Your Ground” law would change fast.

3rd Corollary: But then I bet a lot of people would die in the process. So instead you should either leave the state or organize and vote these primates out of power.

When sending pictures of your reproductive organs to people you barely know, do not use a fake name that makes you look even more like a major pratt.

Corollary: “Major Pratt” would be a pretty cool fake name – far better than either “Carlos Danger” or “Anthony Weiner.”

Don’t listen to Cat Stevens when trying to write a humor column. Talk about a downer!

Corollary: Or Harry Chapin. You might as well just open your wrists and have done with it. I bet this column would have been a lot funnier if I had listened to Slim Whitman.

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: