Edward Snowden: Spy in the House of Love


Have you noticed that everybody in any way involved with the Edward Snowden case is by now looking like a tool and/or an idiot? How did that happen so quickly in what is arguably the most important civil liberties debate in the 21st century?

As you’d damned well better recall, Edward Snowden is the Booze Allen contractor who brought to the country’s attention the wacky hijinks of our very own NSA – to wit: that they record data on every single goddamned phone call, text and email we make and keep it in a huge storage facility not unlike “Warehouse 13,” except without the saving the world part or the witty dialog or the cute gay dude named “Jinks.” This blockbuster news was released just several weeks ago, and already everybody’s turned into bozos.

The NSA totally records every goddamned phone call Max gets on his shoe phone, the bastards.

I bet the NSA totally records every goddamned phone call Max gets on his shoe phone, the bastards.

There’s President Obama, the country’s first black president and darling of the Liberal Left, who finds himself in the unhappy position of having to remind the American people over and over that he’s not spying on everybody because he’s an evil dictator-wannabe: it’s for our own good, see? For safety. Here’s a rule-of-thumb, Mr. President. If you have to tell people that you’re not Dick Cheney, you probably are. I mean, weren’t you a Constitutional scholar, for Christ’s sake? WTF, First Dude?

Compounding the dumbness, many on the Liberal Left are showing their moral cowardice by not confronting the President, who has clearly driven right off the civil liberties rails here, leaving us to wonder what they hell they’ll say when the next Republican President does the same damned thing, or worse.

Meanwhile the Republicans rotate happily between fake outrage at Obama and total support for the program itself, despite their alleged dislike for huge, intrusive federal agencies impinging on America’s freedoms. Proposed GOP slogan for 2016: “Down with Big Government! P.S. Please Ignore the Clicking Sound on Your Cell Phone.”

The frickin’ NSA has [REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED.] Then they [REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED. REDACTED], those bastards. But we still have our freedom of speech, thank God.

Congress is being Congress (ie, useless assholes). Nuff said.

In many people’s eyes, Edward Snowden himself has evolved from hero into a somewhat pathetic figure after fleeing the USA to China and then Russia, those bastions of liberty and freedom. He is presently in hiding in a Moscow airport Super 8, no doubt watching his hashtag ranking on Twitter and complaining about the hotel’s crappy Internet connection.

In a Wikileaks statement, Snowden expressed outrage that the US government would seek to drag him back into the country to face prosecution. No offense, Mr. Snowden, but how exactly did you think this was going to play out? Did you think that the government would say it was very sorry and you’d get hugs? Did you miss the Bradley Manning leaks case altogether? Where’s Manning now? Daniel Ellsberg, who leaked the Pentagon Papers, was willing to go to prison for doing so. If you don’t have his courage, then maybe you should have leaked anonymously, or at least gone to Ecuador or Venezuela or wherever and leaked from there.

Snowden has implied that he has yet more secret stuff about the US and he’ll spill the beans if we try to silence him by bombing the Russian airport or hacking his Tumblr account. If he does have more to say, I wish he’d release it all right away and have done with it. I think we have a right to know, don’t you?

But not today, please. It’d get totally buried in the Royal Baby coverage. That shit’s fascinating.

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4 Responses to “Edward Snowden: Spy in the House of Love”

  1. A. Weiner Says:

    Obviously, the real loser in this whole deal is Snowden’s pole-dancing girlfriend, who has lost the comfort of his company and now must lubricate her pole alone. Fortunately, I feel confident that the NSA is closely monitoring that situation.

  2. extintores en mexico Says:

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    • Paul Murphy Says:

      Thank you for your comments, which I did not actually comprehend. But I’m certain they were sincere!

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