This Bugs Me

Across the country, frustrated Americans everywhere are asking: If they can put a man on the moon*, why can’t they stop mutant insect larvae in your gullet from growing to the size of angry hamsters and then eating their way out?

As you no doubt have guessed, I just finished watching Barry Levinson’s fine film, “The Bay,” on Netflix. “The Bay” describes how a Chesapeake Bay community is destroyed by parasitic insects which, having been exposed to all of the various hormones, antibiotics, pesticides, boner pills and other toxic junk we dump in the ocean and then fattened upon the tons of chicken poop and raw sewage in there as well, go all mutant and giant-sized and exact a pretty gruesome vengeance on our intestinal tracts and major internal organs.

"Miss Crustacean" is only one of the many innocent victims of mutant killer parasitic bug insects in "The Bay"

“Miss Crustacean” is only one of the many innocent victims of mutant killer parasitic bug insects in “The Bay.” And yes, she IS wearing a crab hat – so she probably deserves to get eaten alive from the inside, but which of us doesn’t?

What a great film. It’s totally put me off sushi forever!

“The Bay” is one of the better offerings from the spate of recent horror films exploring the so-called “downside” of the self-destruction our species is cheerfully embarked upon**. In “Pacific Rim,” we’re attacked by aliens who want our planet now that we’ve polluted it to the preferred level of toxicity. In “Extinction,” a naughty GMO (genetically modified organism) gets out and mutates most of us into flesh-eating zombies. This is extra-bad for Europe because nobody’s left to man the region’s dozens of nuclear reactors, which it turns out explode rather than shut themselves off when unattended†.

And of course there’s the Twitter sensation SyFy Channel movie “Sharknado,” in which global warming somehow creates a huge tornado filled with sharks, consuming everything in its path including Tara Reid’s career††.

You just know this is going to end badly for everyone involved.

You just know this is going to end badly for everyone involved.

If there’s a lesson here, it’s that the actual course of destruction we’re set upon is just too boring to garner much attention. So what if a couple thousand additional Bangladeshis die in an extra-powerful monsoon? So what if a few fish are born with three eyes and no genitals? So what if drought results in crop failure and a few more farmers are ruined? Dullsville, you know what I mean? That crap is just depressing.

What we need is a real-life Sharknado. Or hungry bugs the size of hamsters in our lower intestines. Maybe then we’ll pay attention to our imminent demise. Maybe.

Until then I’ll be happily Tweeting snarky comments about bad movies.


*Okay, we can’t actually do that any more, but we did once, and we could still ask China to do it for us.

**The “upside” of course being cheap smartphones for us and untold wealth for the Walton family and high-level members of the Chinese military.

†Shoddy design work there, Euro-nuclear engineers! Shame!

††Which is like shooting parasitically-infested fish in a barrel.


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5 Responses to “This Bugs Me”

  1. loquacionist Says:

    It would be better if all the world’s problems could be easily presented as chuckle worthy entertainment while motivating people to change their ways at the same time.

  2. Titillating Thoughts Says:

    Sharknado. A beautiful piece of cinematography. It was like if Twister and Jaws had a baby.

    …And that baby was infected with every possible disease.

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