Messing With Texas

Wow. Nobody could be that idiotic, could they? Oh wait. It’s the Texas Legislature. Never mind.

That was my first thought upon hearing that the Texas Legislature was searching citizens entering the Chambers to watch the abortion debate and confiscating unused tampons – while at the same time allowing folks to amble in carrying concealed weapons. It seems that someone had recently expressed disapproval of the Texas Legislature’s determination to impose their narrow zealotic religious beliefs on perfectly-legal medical procedures by hurling a tampon at one of the lawmakers, and this was an affront to life, liberty, and dignity. Legislators dodging bullets: okay. Dodging tampons: that’s unacceptable.

Clearly they weren’t worried about the safety threat posed by paper products: the Legislators were afraid that they made them look ridiculous.

When tampons are outlawed, soon only outlaws will have tampons!

Seems like tampons ande snacks are the two biggest threats to the Texas Legislature.

I can see the conversation outside the Legislative Chambers now:

“Ma’am, we’re going to have to search your purse before we can allow you to enter the Visitor’s section of the Chamber.”

“Of course. I have nothing to hide.”

“Let’s see… cell phone, credit cards, spare change, gum, loaded .357 Glock 31 with cop-killer bullets, lipstick, more gum, lint… now just hold on a second!”

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

“That, thing. That’s a, a tampon!”

“It is. I am a woman of childbearing years, and I menstruate. Hence, the sanitary napkin in my purse…”

“Enough of your dirty-talk! Men, taser this harlot immediately.”


This, of course, is the Mother of all self-fulfilling prophesies. For God’s sake, guys. The reason you’re so afraid of being made to look ridiculous is because you are ridiculous. Totally fucking ridiculous. And deep inside your teeny-tiny narrow-minded reptilian brains, you know it.

As do the rest of us.

Update: I understand that the Legislature recently lifted the ban on sanitary products in the Chamber. Let’s hope this kind of forward-thinking, sensible progressive behavior carries over into other business.

10 Things the Texas Legislature Shouldn’t Do

10. Allow the Deaths of Additional Texas Citizens in Unregulated Factory Explosions.

9.   Outlaw Holding Hands and Walking in the Rain Because it’s “Totally Gay.”

8.   Round “Pi” to 3.

7.   Deny Climate Change During the Worst Drought in Texas in Living Memory.

6.   Call For a Fatwah Against Stephen Colbert.

5.   Declare “Cow” to be the Texas State Vegetable.

4.   Listen to a Damned Thing that Crackpot Rick Perry Says.

3.   Invade Mexico.

2.   Kill More Poor, Retarded People in Prison.

1.   Make Safe, Legal Abortion Inaccessible in Large Areas of Texas.

Remember: When tampons are outlawed, only outlaws will have tampons!


*Also, the chamber is full of sharpshooters protecting your ass.


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2 Responses to “Messing With Texas”

  1. Notes To Ponder Says:

    Lets add T. Boone Pickens land acquisition over the largest aquifer in America, with plans to circumvent water rights legislation, and make a killing once all the oil runs dry. (George Bush’s oil family is busy doing the same thing in Paraguay). Oh yeah, and a tampon is truly witchcraft. Attention ladies of Texas! Prepare to wad a dish towel between your legs – holy crap!!!!

  2. oceannah Says:

    yeah, sadly I’m not a bit surprised.
    But thanks for the laugh on rounding pi…if it’ll be done anywhere
    it’ll be done in TX.

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