Fiscal Cliff Diving


Since the election, the country has turned its attention to the oncoming “fiscal cliff,” a series of painful tax-increases and budget-cuts that Congress and the White House imposed a year back to force themselves to act like grownups and actually do something about the country’s tottering finances by year’s end.

Lol.

So far it doesn’t appear to have worked very well. Speaker Boehner is threatening to hold his breath until he turns orange if he has to raise taxes on the wealthy. Meanwhile the Democrats refuse to discuss increasing the Social Security age, instead demanding that everybody take up smoking once again to get life-expectancy down to financially-reasonable 1970s-era levels.

The fiscal cliff is like this but without the water.

The fiscal cliff is like this but without the water.

But why, you might ask, should I care? How does it affect me? Well, the bad news is that if you’re a member of the dwindling Middle Class, you’re screwed. If you make $100k a year, are married and have two kids, your tax rate will go up like 18%, a healthy bite of maybe $3000 more each year. But the good news is that if you’re really rich (aka, a “Job Creator”), you are extra-screwed, as the ridiculous Bush tax cuts will expire and you’ll have to pay something more like your fair share, you slackers.

This will basically return the country to the Blighted Socialist Hellscape tax levels we endured during the early Clinton Administration, so begin hording guns and trashy young White House interns right away.

On the spending side, a number of important programs will get across-the-board cuts. And the US military will take a hit, making it a tad more difficult for us to declare war on new countries who say bad things about us until we’ve ended the current pointless and horrible wars we’re stuck in.

There are some other effects of going over the fiscal cliff that you might not be aware of.

Top Ten Unexpected Results of the US Plunging Over the Fiscal Cliff

  1. Whiny Business-Owner “Papa” John Schnatter Forced to Go With Cheaper “Eli” Manning in Commercials. Sales Plummet.
  2. Koch Brothers Unable to Blow More than Half a Billion In Unsuccessful Attempt to Buy Next Presidential Election.
  3. Unable to Maintain Multiple Wars in Asia and Middle East, Military-Industrial Complex Demands President Declare War on Mexico and Sandusky, Ohio.
  4. TSA Becomes Inefficient and Surly.
  5. Donald Trump Declares Bankruptcy. Again. For the Fifth Time. Stupid People Believe His Claim that It’s the Fault of Fiscal Cliff.
  6. Springsteen Gets Material for Next Album.
  7. Nation’s 401(k)s Become Marginally More Valueless.
  8. Rupert Murdoch Threatens to Immigrate to Canada. Canada Closes Borders.
  9. Drug Enforcement Agency Closes Willy Nelson Branch.
  10. Nation’s Rich Remain Totally Fucking Loaded.

Anyway, there’s more to this unpleasant business, but it gives me a headache. I’m not a reliable news source, dammit. Check Wikipedia if you want the ugly details. Or watch FOX News. They’re both fair and balanced, so presumably they’ll give you the same info.

Speaking of FOX News, did you see Bill “Baba” O’Reilly struggle to understand that amazing piece of South Korean cultural imperialism “Gangnam Style?” Dude’s totally bewildered about it. “It’s like they’re speaking a whole different language!” (Korean.) He gets assistance from some crackpot psychologist (redundant, I know) who is outraged that kids like this nonsense more than his children’s book. It’s brilliant theatre of the absurd, brought to you by those deranged madmen at the Young Turks.

But I digress. This mess has me both irritated and bored, a dangerous combination. The standoff needs to end, now, or bad things that I don’t really understand maybe will happen. The clowns in Washington had better settle this or there’s gonna be trouble. Big trouble. I have a twitter account (@mrvictim) and I’m not afraid to use it.

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10 Responses to “Fiscal Cliff Diving”

  1. sarah Says:

    Wait till you find out they want more of your money, then how will you feel ? The cliff will look pretty good to you- as in you may want to throw yourself off it. For the time being we will have to be content holding hands and singing Kum-bai-ya around the “Holiday Tree” with our POTUS.

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      I expect to have to pay more for our stupid unfunded wars, stupid national debt and stupid decaying infrastructure. Let’s hope it helps!

  2. sarah Says:

    That is mighty neighborly of ya’- I feel we give very generously to many and the hand keeps coming back for more. When will it end? When we turn over all our earnings and let the government take care of everything? Nancy Pelosi would send you a card of thanks for your generous nature, but she is to busy talking to her stockbroker, all those insider trades takes up alot of her time!

    • Sara no H Says:

      Of course, the problem with the debt is that we’ve *already spent* the money, and so now we owe it. It’s not giving generously or anyone coming back for more… we NEVER GAVE IT TO BEGIN WITH! That’s why we owe it now.

  3. Sam Raeburn Says:

    This is the first analysis of the fiscal cliff that has the courage to point out that trashy white house interns will also be reduced by 10%. That is just why Bill Clinton got the hell out of there. He doesn’t like them reduced.

    What kind of talent can we hope to attract to the White House under such circumstances?

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      It’s been some time since we’ve had an old-fashioned bimbo eruption in the White House. Bring Back Bill, dammit!

  4. sarah Says:

    I sorta miss Bill too! The distraction he caused with his personal issues would be nice change of pace.

  5. Scott Says:

    Sarah, I don’t mind paying more as long as the 1% are also paying at LEAST the same percentage I am. I didn’t choose the wars and other silly wasteful spending in the past 12 years since Clinton was in office and actually caused our budget to be balanced, and I don’t agree with any of the oh-so-costly military actions currently in progress. But we voted for the imbeciles who spent the non-existent money (or failed to vote enough for the smarter folks) and now we ALL have to pay for it, like it or not. Or join Rupert Murdoch in Canada (before the borders close).

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