Give Me Bacon or Give Me Death


Alert the media. According to the British National Pig Association a shortage of bacon next year is nigh unavoidable. The worldwide pig herd is shrinking, due in large part to high feed prices caused by the global failure of the maize and soya harvests. Of course this is disturbing to those of us who love a crispy strip of carcinogenic smoked fried porkfat in the morning — and who doesn’t? — but according to my wife it has even deeper political implications, which I must blog about.

“You’re crazy,” I replied reasonably. “What are you talking about?”

This is what I get for Googling “Sexy Bacon” when looking for a picture for this blog.

“No really,” she responded. “There’s this horrible election, and next year there’s going to be a bacon shortage. It’d be perfect for one of your blogs. You’re always writing about how digging horse poop reminds you of Romney or something; this is just like that. These politicians are total asses, and now we’re going to run out of bacon! All you have to do is connect the two.”

Now my wife is smart and beautiful, yet like so many, many women she is ignorant of the two primary rules of political blogging – one: don’t joke about pig product shortages, and two: don’t make jokes about Romney winning when his campaign is self-destructing so hilariously in front of everyone’s eyes.

I mean, why make up stuff when reality is just sitting there snickering?

It’s Nice in the Bunker

If you watch any news, you can’t help but marvel at how rapidly Mitt’s campaign is imploding. Lately it’s gotten so bad that the FOX News Sycophants ‘n’ Friends are getting angry at the pollsters who are saying that Romney is losing, which is pretty much like getting angry at the doctor for telling you that your blood pressure is too high after the eyeballs have burst from your head and bounced around the room like hyperactive ping pong balls. Watch Stephen Colbert explain the situation.

Others have taken to blaming Paul Ryan, calling the hapless Wisconsin Congressman “a worse pick than Sarah Palin,” and “a drag on the ticket” because Ryan’s terrible budget and horrible Medicare plans are scaring the bajeezus out of America’s seniors, who have no jobs and therefore tend to vote, the slack old bastards.

Romney and Ryan burnish their foreign policy credentials by doin’ it Gangnam Style!

While this may be true, I’m not sure that Romney needs any help destroying his campaign. Given his recently-uncovered comments about not needing to trouble himself about the 47 percent of us who are useless whiny no-account shits who batten at the teat of the government, living the high life on that sweet, sweet welfare, Mitt is personally providing as much drag on his campaign as the anchor of the Titanic. Hell, nobody on the Daily Show is even bothering to mock Ryan. Why would they, when the ticket’s leader is providing so much more wonderful material?

So in short, Romney is losing fast, which is funny, and there’s an oncoming bacon shortage, which isn’t. You women need to get it straight.*

Conservative PAC Backs Akin

On a related note, Senate Jim DeMint’s influential Senate Conservative Fund is committing nearly $300,000 to Representative Todd Akin’s bid for the Senate. As you may remember, Akin’s the dude who believes that women have a magic vagina which provides protection against babies when they’re really raped and not just making it up like they always do, the shameless sluts. For a while the Republicans had to pretend to be horrified by Akin’s remarks and stuff, but apparently the statute of limitations on gross ignorance and misogyny is up, and they can once again put pure party interest ahead of women’s rights and other lesser issues.

This move is certain to secure for the GOP the important “Fucking Ignorant Asshole” vote, plus some members of the “He-Man Women-Haters Club.”

Though not “Alfalfa.” That dude loved the ladies.

_________________________________________________________

*That includes my sister, who I swear to God just sent me a message on FaceBook: “Did you hear about the bacon shortage next year? Why don’t you blog about that?

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4 Responses to “Give Me Bacon or Give Me Death”

  1. yoursister Says:

    FINALLY the bacon shortage blog. A little more about politics than the bacon shortage. But I understand the latter is a very emotional topic for you and hard to express your deepest emotions on, so I will take it!

  2. Karl R. Says:

    Just to be clear… you’re saying that the Republicans who embraced the Ryan budget plan when he introduced it in Congress as the Nation’s Salvation are now saying that he is a drag on the ticket because… ummmm… he helped develop the platform that they are all running under? That would make them not entirely consistent, so I think there must be something wrong with your “facts.”

    Paul Ryan may be dragging down the ticket because he said exactly what the Republicans’ plans ARE. When it was just “restore liberty to America,” it sounded pretty good. When it became “pray medical costs don’t go up, because if they do, you’ll be carving your own prosthetic leg out of a fencepost,” the jingle was not as catchy, even if Hank Williams Jr was singing it.

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      At a certain point it really doesn’t matter who is to blame. As long as the GOP can convince themselves that it’s some specific person’s fault and not the country rejecting their bankrupt ideas, they’ll be satisfied.

  3. Karl R. Says:

    I note that you did not give your readers an opportunity to vote on the choice in the blog’s title.

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