Todd Akin and the Vajayjay of Doom


Once again, the Republicans are having trouble with vaginas. In the latest case of what I think we should all start calling “Vaginagate”, Republican Missouri Senatorial hopeful and current congressman Todd Akin put his foot deep up his own ass when he spoke about his opposition to abortion because women have this miraculous ability to avoid becoming pregnant when victims of “legitimate” rape. Thus, by extension, if a woman does become pregnant, her magic vagina didn’t protect her, hence her rape must not have been “legitimate” – ie, she was probably asking for it, the slut, and should be barred from getting an abortion.

Here’s the Huff Post’s coverage of this amazing story.

Setting aside its gross insensitivity to rape victims and barely-disguised misogyny Akin’s statement reveals an almost mind-boggling level of ignorance about basic human biology. It’s bad enough that this moron is a congressman, but he’s actually on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology — clearly part of the GOP brain trust.

But that’s not what I want to talk about today (he says after ranting for two paragraphs). This has been discussed to bits, including by many immensely angry people of the female gender, who feel rightly that Akin and the GOP have opened up a massive assault on their persons and their civil rights. Check out Maureen Dodd’s damning column on Akin. It’s quite wonderful.

Jesus I never want that woman angry at me.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is how big an asshole Sean Hannity is. Hah! You didn’t see that coming, did you!? Blind fools!

What I’m trying to say is that Sean Hannity is a piggy-eyed little shit who ought to be buried up to his neck in guano, covered in ants and hit with a pointed stick until he cries like a little girl. Here’s why.

Recently on his crappy-ass TV program, Hannity raged on about the “double-standard” and the left’s “hypocrisy:” How come Biden doesn’t have to resign after his comments of “putting y’all back in chains,” but Akin does have to resign after his comments on “legitimate rape?” His little pals (Dana Perino and some annoying British guy) nodded in agreement, marveling at how shameless and cowardly Democrats are and how noble and selfless Conservatives are: Democrats circle the wagons around evil Biden while Conservatives heroically throw poor old Akin off the wagon to the wolves.

Maybe Dana Perino has a magic vajayjay, but the rest of the female population is sadly lacking.

This enfuriated me so much that steam started pouring out my ears, making a loud whistling noise that scared the crap out of the dogs.

Eventually I cooled down enough to figure out what the fuck was wrong with that bogus argument and why it made me so mad: it was a false equivalency.

I hate false equivalencies.

Let me explain. Sean, when he said that Romney wanted to “Unchain Wall Street” and “put you all back in chains,” Biden wasn’t speaking literally. He didn’t actually mean that Romney wanted to enslave his audience: he was using a rhetorical flourish. Like when William Jennings Bryan said, “You shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of gold!” he wasn’t accusing his opponents of building a bunch of expensive crosses in their basements. Or when George Bush said, “Read my lips: no new taxes!” he didn’t actually have “no new taxes” tattooed on his lips. Or when George W. Bush said, “Bring it on!” – uh strike that.

But you get the point, Sean: you may not like what Biden said, and you may even be offended by it, but it was only a goddamned turn of phrase.

On the other hand, when Akin talked about “legitimate rape,” he wasn’t using a turn of phrase, he was describing his personal belief and revealing his huge, gaping stupidity on a subject he was intent upon legislating – pregnancy and abortion. It wasn’t that what he said was offensive – although it was – it was that it revealed that his entire mind was offensive. So you see, Sean, that’s why he has to go and Biden doesn’t: Akin is a gasping dunderhead who is unfit for public office and Biden’s a big ol’ politician who gets excited when he’s making a speech.

When you compared the two men, you were making a false equivalency. For which you can go to hell, you cretin. You’re pissing me off.

The moral of the story is, “Beware of ‘false equivalencies.’” Also “Hannity sucks.”

Thank you.

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8 Responses to “Todd Akin and the Vajayjay of Doom”

  1. Jennifer D Says:

    I’m going for a pap smear next week. I’m gonna ask the doctor to get the GOP out of my pussy for me.

  2. Moderation Inallthings Says:

    Perhaps you lose it a bit at the end there.

  3. Jeff Briggs Says:

    Nice job, Paul. Hope hannity reads it.

  4. zd sandz Says:

    Well if according to the writer Todd is the GOP and the GOP is Todd, well then logically (or lack there of by not only him but the the Democrats in general) all Democrats are drunk rapists (Ted K. and Bill C.), out cheating on their dying wives (John E.), and prone to moronic statements on a daily basis (Joe B.). And since your grand leader says business owners didn’t build their companies then you all think that the government does everything for you. Democrats just can’t do anything for themselves can they?

    I’m a registered Republican but I vote for the better candidate (maybe Republican 55% of the time). But I wouldn’t vote for Akin if he was running against Charlie Manson. I might vote for Akin if he was running against Ted Kennedy, but then Todd is just plain dumb, Ted was a drunk and assists in rape then buys off jurors and judges. But you Democrats know that you’re a bird of a feather.

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      So where did I say that the GOP was Todd? I said he was part of their brain trust, which once again might be considered a rhetorical flourish. (Did you actually read my rant? It explains that stuff.) I DID say that the GOP was opening up an assault on women’s rights, which is true – just check the anti-abortion plank in the Republican platform – no abortions, with no exceptions whatsoever. I also called Hannity a bunch of names, again with good reason. He’s a turd. So I don’t get your complaint. Even if you think that Democrats are bad as you apparently do, that doesn’t negate my arguments about the GOP and Akin. If you want to reveal the Democratic Party’s flaws, write you’re own blog. I’ll happily link to it. The more the merrier!

  5. Scott Says:

    Again statements out of context there, zd. The conservative stations love playing the “you didn’t build that” quote from Obama, but conveniently always neglect to play the preceding 1 minute or so of speech which makes it clear he is talking about building the INFRASTRUCTURE necessary to let them build their businesses. The roads. The power lines. Etc. He isn’t talking about their businesses – he’s talking about the national infrastructure on which every small business (and the whole rest of the country) rely to exist at all.

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