Moon for the Mittbegotten


Jesus Romney sure looks presidential, doesn’t he? All he needs are mutton-chops and a top hat.

You know things are going badly for a politician when it’s considered a victory that people stop talking about whether he’s a tax cheat to debate if he killed a woman.

Today I’m going to take a look at Mitt Romney’s tax problem. It’s a doozy.

Mitt won’t reveal his tax statements beyond the latest two years, the minimum required by law. This has given rise to lots of heated speculation on exactly what Romney’s hiding; the subject has dominated news cycles for weeks. Complicating Mitt’s decision is the fact that his very own dad, George Romney, released like a zillion years’ worth of taxes when he ran for president. So what’s up, Mitt? Whatcha hiding?

Naturally, Democrats are accusing Mitt of all sorts of tax-cheatin’ hijinks. Recently Harry Reid, the creepy old Democratic Senate Majority Leader Who Lives in the Capitol Building Basement, has accused Romney of having paid no taxes for the past 10 years. It appears that Reid has no evidence to back that up and everybody pretends to be real angry at him, but it sure has gotten a lot of airplay.

I myself have irresponsibly claimed that Mitt’s tax returns show that in the early ’90s he made a fortune owning a chain of “Ride the Poor like Donkeys” salons, and also that they reveal that Romney is Hayden Panettiere’s baby-daddy. The truth is probably a lot less hilarious and more enraging.

Is Mitt Romney Hayden Panettiere’s baby-daddy? If not, why won’t he release his taxes? What is this man hiding?!?

See, Mitt’s central economic thesis is that that taxes on the rich — the “job creators”, as he and his conservative friends call them — are way too high. Cut the taxes on the rich and the economy will thrive! And it makes sense sorta, if you kinda squint and don’t know much about economics and don’t think too hard about recent history. So it’s at least vaguely plausible a little.

But here’s where Mitt’s personal experience might collide with this policy. Many people suspect that if released Mitt’s returns would reveal that his personal effective tax rate is low, shockingly low, due to the many Obscene Rich Guy Tax Breaks he has employed — tax shelters, overseas accounts, dancing horse write-offs, and so forth. And while these breaks are perfectly legal, they’re not available to you because you’re middle-class scum and can’t afford them. Go ahead: try to get the president of a Maldives-based shell company to take your call. We’ll wait.

So why would Mitt demand lower taxes when he already pays less than you do?

One guess is that it’s because he and his Rich Pals are Greedy Bastards. But that doesn’t look real good on a campaign poster, so they have to go with that bogus trickle-down stuff.

Let’s emphasize that there’s probably nothing illegal here: Romney is merely milking the convoluted and unfair US tax code for every penny he can. He just can’t reveal the teeny amounts he pays or he won’t get elected dog catcher. And as long as he keeps ’em hidden,  me and my Left-Wing Socialist Commie pals can make up anything we want and he can’t refute it.

It’s a cruel cleft stick he’s caught on.

Heh.

The lesson here is simple: if you’re a rich conservative expecting to run for office somewhere down the line, inform your accountant not to use any of the Many Slimy Fat Cat Tax Tricks That If Revealed Would Make Middle and Lower Class People Hate Your Guts and pay your fair share like the rest of us.

And Mitt, either reveal your taxes or stop pretending you’re paying too much of them. You’re lying.

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10 Responses to “Moon for the Mittbegotten”

  1. sarah Says:

    ok, I get that mitt makes a lot of dough, and has a lot of accountants to help him keep lots o’ the dough, but this them vs. us thing has got to stop. I am a lowly middle classer myself, and while I love me some of the socialist countries(norway is neat!) I live in good ole usa, and I would like to see it continue down the path it has been on since ben and his buddies founded our good nation. Reform we need, and that will not be pretty, but please lets just stick to left vs right, the class warfare is not going to solve anything. The tax code is a #$**ed up mess for sure, but I have to wonder how much taxes john kerry and nancy pelosi paid. According to the center for responsive politics more dems in congress(36) vs 30 have a net worth over 1 mil. Nancys net worth grew by 62 % in 2010. How did yours fare? mine is on life support. So alert occupy wall st and let them know that it is not just the evil republicans that have all the bad money and try to play hide the dime on the rest of us, the democrats probably play too!

    • Karl M. Says:

      Class warfare seems inevitable because of the huge disparity between the ultra-rich and the rest of the country–partly (but by no means only) due to the tax system and its byzantine rules. It does no good to say “let’s all get along as Americans” when a huge number of Americans cannot get health care or afford to go to college but a small number of Americans make 10s of millions of dollars *a year* (including some who were largely responsible for crashing the world’s economy, thanks very much). So, when one of the super-rich runs on the platform of “let’s reduce taxes and human services and there’s no need for everyone to have healthcare,” I think it IS time to break out the class warfare. Indeed, isn’t that what the Replublican platform is??

      • Paul Murphy Says:

        You are both making intelligent, non-angry comments on a very difficult subject. Why the hell are you reading my blog!?! Seriously, you’re both to be commended and thanks for your responses. Here I happen to agree with Karl M, mostly. The rich are in charge of the tax code through their creatures in government, assuredly from both sides of the aisle, but I think that the Dems are slightly more middle-class friendly than the Republicans. Mitt’s just a lost cause. He’s a bad, compromise candidate between the VERY ANGRY far right and the weakening GOP center. He’ll not satisfy anybody, which is why he’s flailing now. Obama got real lucky.

      • Karl M Says:

        Just a follow-up. Check out the story at http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/11/business/in-the-superrich-clues-to-romneys-tax-returns-common-sense.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=general .

        It says that one-quarter of people with the highest incomes in the country paid less than 15% in taxes; a few paid $0 in taxes. This group earned an average of $200 million per year. That’s 200 MILLION for one year. Their tax rate is much lower than mine, or even Mr. Victim’s who is only in the second 400. Is it class warfare to suggest that this is not quite right?

  2. Clueless in Seattle Says:

    Are you claiming that there is someone named Hayden Pannetiere? Because I was believing everything you said until then.

  3. sarah Says:

    No, to suggest that is not right is just that, a suggestion, your opinion. What I find hard to watch is the dems fanning the flames of them vs us . We are going to get what we deserve soon, when we implode from this mess instead of trying to fix it- maybe a strong third party would help? So I have to ask when mr. obama, a socialist-democrat wants to take more money from us all, and that is what will happen, what will you say then? We need tax reform, but we need to vote wisely and to consider that we are a democracy, that is why all sorts of people come here, and if we are going to be a more socialist kind of place well then i think our immigration laws will need a serious overhaul too because you can’t keep letting everyone in and then pay for them when they have not contributed to the system.

    • Karl M Says:

      Well, with our enormous budget deficit, we all WILL have to pay more taxes to pay it off–AND cut the budget somehow. I don’t know if that’s socialist, but we’ve already spent the money, so there is almost no option except to pay more until we’ve paid off what we’ve already spent. And as is well known, the deficit has grown under Republican leardership as much as under Democratic leadership (e.g., compare deficits under Clinton vs. Bush).

      As to immigrants, I see many immigrants both legal and illegal, and they all work like dogs. They work and they work and they work, often for very little pay. Like everyone else, they pay taxes both from their income and sales tax, property taxes (through their rent), license fees, etc. The idea that immigrants are responsible for our economic problems is, in my humble opinion, an attempt to focus attention elsewhere, when it is we dumb Americans who have managed to make this mess on our own.

  4. Paul Murphy Says:

    P.S. We’re going to need all the immigrants we can get to help pay for all of the social security I’m going to be getting in 10-15 years. Bring ’em on I say.

  5. Sven Says:

    I do agree with all the ideas you have presented on your post.
    They’re really convincing and will certainly work. Still, the posts are too brief for beginners. May just you please lengthen them a little from subsequent time? Thank you for the post.

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