Read this Blog or the Puppies Get It!


The author, firmly dispensing with the claim that hoodies make anyone look dangerous.

As a knee-jerk liberal commie Chardonnay-swilling secretly-Muslim gay-loving pro-abortion anti-gun blogger, it’s difficult not to go into a lengthy rant about the Trayvon Martin case. It’s got all of the elements that enrage me. A kid leaving a convenience store is murdered by a gun-toting clown playing Dirty Harry. The gun lobby says that the kid had it coming to him for fighting back against the much larger armed idiot who was stalking him as he walked back to his dad’s home. The Florida government says it’s not illegal because of the asinine “stand your ground law” which makes it okay to blow somebody away if you’re armed and you claim that you thought they might be menacing you, and my role model Geraldo Rivera blames it on the kid’s hoodie.

And just yesterday another gun-toting sicko murdered a bunch of nursing students in California, and the NRA’s inevitable response is that it’s the dead students’ faults for not being armed themselves, because clearly the best way to stop deranged idiots from killing people is to give guns to as many more people as possible.

Indeed, this would be consuming my brain, if it weren’t for the beating that Obamacare has recently sustained in the Supreme Court, where the fine justices seem eager to overthrow it in its entirety, leaving us back where we started. As someone — I can’t remember who — said, “the government can tax you, arrest you, imprison you, make you go to war, blow you up with a secret killer flying death robot, but it’s wrong to make you purchase health insurance?” As a cancer survivor who will for the rest of his life remain at risk for a really expensive recurrence of the disease, that’s enough to get my blood boiling to the evaporation point.

Fortunately for my poor brain, my house is presently overrun with puppies. We have seven five-week-old pointer puppies in residence, each eager to get into more trouble than the next. It’s difficult to remain truly angry at the world when you’re diving to catch a young animal who is in the process of plunging head-first to its doom off of your front porch onto bricks. Or when several enraged puppies launch a vicious attack against your computer’s surge-protector. And when you give a puppy a smooch and it cheerfully sinks all of its needle-sharp teeth deep into your schnozz, well you totally lose all interest in national affairs for a few precious moments.

These guys totally make you forget about the situation in the Middle East for minutes at a time.

I’m not recommending that everybody get himself a half-dozen puppies to help smooth out the grind of modern life — you can’t imagine how much poop those little buggers generate in a single day — and they have an annoying tendency to grow up and hog the couch — but when the world begins to drive you mad with rage, it is good to occasionally turn off the TV and go frolic with some form of nature.

Just for God’s sake don’t wear a hoodie.

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8 Responses to “Read this Blog or the Puppies Get It!”

  1. Paul Murphy Says:

    P.S. Is it wrong to “like” your own blog and rate it as “Excellent!”? Because I always do.

  2. E Says:

    OK, so this is odd. I agree with just about all in your post.

  3. Barfy Says:

    What is going on with your nose in that picture? Was it really dog attacks, or something less seemly?

  4. Charlton Heston Says:

    Interesting event in New York City, where the most highly trained gun-users, the police, have unfortunate events in which things go wrong. I don’t mean the one where they chased a suspect *into his home* and shot him dead, though it turned out he wasn’t armed. No, I’m referring to the more recent case in which the police accidentally shot *a totally innocent woman in the apartment below*. Of course, she knew that it was risky when she chose to live somewhere.
    This is one of the most highly selected and highly trained gun-using set of people in the whole country, and even they can’t manage to avoid shooting the wrong person or the right person who unfortunately was unarmed, etc. (And the guy responsible for starting the Sean Bell shoot-up the night before his wedding was just fired this week. That was another disaster and a half.)
    So what chance do we have with untrained, unselected citizens who are just as dumb as every other citizen running around with guns to “protect” themselves… and us? Our only hope is that they shoot themselves by mistake before they shoot us by mistake instead of vice versa.

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      Mr. Heston: You should probably write a blog. Or you could write a guest column on my blog. Just sayin.

  5. Chardonnay Says:

    You know, this blog is just as good three months later as it was when it was first written! In two or three years, perhaps it will age like fine wine.

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