Hippo Gnu Ear Two Ewe


Well, it’s a new year, all right, and already I’m angry. President Barack Obama once again has given the lie to the accusation that he’s a socialist Muslim communist, this time by signing the fascistic National Defense Authorization Act, or as I like to call it, the “Indefinite Detention of Americans We Don’t Much Like Act.”

President Obama included a signing statement saying that he totally promises to not arrest and indefinitely detain anybody unless they really, really deserve it. But can we be sure that a future Michele Bachmann administration will be bound by that? I’m dubious. In all likelihood she’ll start arresting people because they’re from New Mexico. Bastards shoulda moved to an American-sounding state, by God.

Why NYPD cops get hazard pay for working New Year's Eve.

Meanwhile, my buddy Mitt Romney stated proudly that he’d veto “The Dream Act” if elected. Then he’d kick the little foreign kids’ puppies and steal their lunch money. This got a lot of applause in Iowa, as you might expect. Glad to have those forward-thinking people determining who gets to run for president of this country.

Mind you, things aren’t all bad. Last night I got to see feminist role model Jenny McCarthy stick her tongue down the throat of a random New York policeman to celebrate the New Year. And that probably doesn’t happen more than 60 or 70 times a year. Stay classy, Jenny!

Also, our chickens have finally begun laying, and I had my first fresh home-grown eggs for breakfast this morning. The yolks are bright orange and they’re amazingly tasty. The chickens haughtily eschew the laying boxes I so carefully crafted a year ago, instead finding more innovative places to deposit their burdens — like under the snow thrower or in the middle of the patio in the back yard — where they’ll be safe. As my wife says, “No wonder they’re food products.”

This can't end well.

Did I mention that I won my first ever fantasy football league this year? It was amazing. My wife claims all of the credit, saying that she told me to take Drew Brees. I counter that she picked him merely because he’s dreamy, and it was me who brilliantly drafted Rob Gronkowski, the amazing New England Patriots’ tight end — though to be honest, I  just liked his name.

People who know what they’re doing really hate it when people like me win these things. That cheers me up immensely.

Not that any of it matters much at this point. Apparently our league commissioner has run off to Iceland with all of the prize money. He claims he’s on vacation but the bastard’s probably spending it all buying up bankrupt Icelandic investment banks.

So life goes on, the good and bad. 2012 promises to be a year much like any other, unless the Mayans are correct, in which case we’re all dead. And if so at least we won’t have to go through another goddamned election cycle, so it might well be worth it.

Happy New Year, everybody! Here’s hoping yours is healthy and prosperous and full of tasty eggs found in surprising places!

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5 Responses to “Hippo Gnu Ear Two Ewe”

  1. Amelia May Says:

    I am so upset about his signing the NDAA. WTF was he thinking? Really. There’s no possible way *that* could be misused, right? So frustrating.

    Oh well. Enjoy the eggs!

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      I’d like to chuck ’em at him, frankly, but that’s the kind of thing that could get me locked up for years without trial. Dang.

  2. "Dick" Cheney Says:

    The Obama administration is the most open administration in the history of the country, with the greatest respect for human rights ever seen. President Obama told us so when he was running for office. So, I’m afraid you are mistaken.

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      Dude. Better watch yourself: you’d be first on my list for indefinite detainment. Just ahead of Rebecca Black.

  3. "Dick" Cheney Says:

    Hey, Michelle Bachman dropped out of the race, so we don’t have to worry about what her administration would do. The good news is that Ron Paul will close all the prisons, because the government should not be in the business of getting in the way of your private revenge. So, I don’t really think there is anything to worry about now.

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