Free Speech: Threat or Menace?

Watching the news lately, one cannot help but wonder if there isn’t just a little too much free speech going around these days. Generally as a tofu-and-goat-cheese-quiche-eating, Merlot-snorting, tree-hugging, gated-community neo-Maoist knee-jerk liberal I’m all in favor of people having the right to gab and blather as long as their lungs hold out. But recently several things have shaken this belief to its core. To wit:

The Kardashians and their creepy mom who insists upon pretending to be one of the girls.

“No More Kardashians” Petition

A woman in Denver, Colorado, has used a petition generation web* site to create a petition asking E! Online to remove “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” from its lineup. The petition states,

“Keeping up with the Kardashians is just not viewing that we the public, would like to see from your network. Enough is enough.”

Now I think we can all agree that this program is unmitigated crap. The premise is: “Rich, beautiful people can be just as dysfunctional and petty and stupid and greedy and awful as the rest of us, and ain’t that fun to watch?**” Apparently lots of people think so, as the show is quite popular.

I personally accidentally saw 42 seconds of it a month ago and I still wake up screaming. So I’m not really opposed to the petitioner’s objective. It is a totally a horrible show. But it’s not like there aren’t 30,000 other less objectionable (though still mostly horrible) shows on at the same time on other channels you can watch instead of it. Just turn the channel, why don’t you? Still, this petition has gotten over 100,000 signatures in just a couple of days, which shows some agreement among the general public.

However, the part that confuses me is why the author thinks that if it does drop the Kardashians, E! Online won’t just put something worse on in its place. E! Online’s lineup currently includes such inspiring entries as “Dirty Soap,” “Dr. 90210,” “Fashion Police,” “The Girls Next Store,” “Kendra,” “True Hollywood Story,” and something called “Ice Loves Coco,” which proves that hardcore ex-rap stars can be just as banal and dysfunctional and petty and silly as the rest of us, and they like wives with big butts.

So good luck with that petition, Concerned Citizen Lady. If you succeed E! Online will probably replace it with “At Home with the Mansons” or something.

At home with Ice and Coco T. And yes -- short of death -- there is no way to remove this image from your brain.

“No More Kardashians” Petition Author Gets Death Threats

No. Really. According to a story by CBS, the woman who put together the “No More Kardashians” petition has been getting death threats, serious enough to cause her to hire security guards.

Somebody is so enraged that this woman is trying to get the Kardashians off of TV that they’re threatening her life?

I’m theoretically speechless.

The E! Online show "Kendra" sensitively explores the triumphs and tragedies of new mom Kendra Wilkinson

An “Occupy San Diego” Protester Asked the Crowd to Observe a Moment of Silence for the White House – and for the Dude who Recently Shot at It.

This is a fact. The guy asked the crowd for a moment of silence for this nutjob. The crowd was sorta bemusedly silent for a few seconds, then marched off somewhere chanting. Now the conservative blogosphere are wetting their pants at this, claiming that it’s proof that the OWS crowd is a bunch of murderous anarchists and complaining that the media isn’t all over this story like they’d be if it was a Tea Party nut rather than an Occupy nut.

Which is true.

The media is a Liberal Tool. Suck it, Tea Party!

Anyway, to be fair, the doofus later “explained” his idiotic statement, saying,

“Whoever shot at the White House is basically a terrorist, and I was holding a moment of silence for the White House and President Obama and everyone in the White House. I wasn’t holding a moment of silence for the terrorist in any way. We’re a peaceful movement, and we don’t support people shooting at the White House.”

Listening to the original text it’s clear that’s a barefaced lie. The guy totally did want a moment of silence for the shooter, but at least he’s smart enough to regret his idiocy now. Be that as it may, I’m sure he’s no longer invited to the secret Occupy meetings where the organizers get their instructions from Moscow.

Ann Coulter Explains on FOX that the Conservatives’ Blacks are Better than the Liberals’ Blacks

Nuff said. Ann has of course never regretted or clarified her statements. It’s not her way.

Mario Batali Hurts Bankers’ Feelings by Comparing them to Stalin and Hitler

On November 8, while sitting on a TIME magazine event to propose candidates for the magazine’s “Person of the Year,” Batali said,

“I would have to say that who has had the largest effect on the whole planet without us really paying attention is the entire banking industry, and their disregard for the people that they’re supposed to be working for. The way the bankers have toppled the way money is distributed — and taken most of it into their own hands — is as good as Stalin or Hitler and the evil guys.”

Since that time Batali has apologized, issuing a “just kidding” notice and explicitly stating that he doesn’t think bankers are as bad as Stalin and Hitler.*** Sadly, the bankers remain pissed, and some of them are boycotting his restaurants. Which is just as well. From what I hear the cheap bastards never tip and they always steal the steak knives.

So that’s it for today from the frontiers of free speech in America! Feel free to express your opinions about this column in boxes below. I’ll reply or send ‘em off to Homeland Security as appropriate!


*Did you know that there was a petition generation web site? Wow. What kind of trouble can we get into with that? Send me your ideas immediately.

**Also, the Kardashians have big butts and bosoms and the best plastic surgery money can buy, and they’re allegedly promiscuous bimbos. This secures a healthy male audience.

***He doesn’t say anything about bankers being like Mussolini and Tojo, however, which is probably a better fit.


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4 Responses to “Free Speech: Threat or Menace?”

  1. shil Says:

    Funny post(whether you meant it or not). You should keep posting on the ongoing news in USA. You could hit it big like the Kardashians. (only kidding).

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