Lindsay Lohan: The Naked Truth

“Lindsay Lohan is posing in Playboy,” my wife announced to me the other night. As any sensible married man would do when his wife brings a naked young woman into the conversation, I checked my “guilt-o-meter,” ready to issue a craven apology or stout denial, as appropriate. Finding no way in which this could be considered to be my fault, I responded neutrally, “Is she now?”

“Why would anybody want to look at her naked?” my wife asked. This puzzled me.

“Because she’s got boobs,” I explained, trying to understand the question.

“But she’s a skanky ‘ho!” my wife responded. I didn’t see the relevance of her statement.

“Why would any man want to see Lindsay Lohan naked?” was a question used in “Star Trek” to make evil computers explode.

“Sure,” I replied, “she’s a ‘skanky ‘ho’ with boobs. So?”

She shook her head. “What’s wrong with you? The woman’s a drunken tramp!

We were at an impasse.

After much discussion, the issue became clear. The point of confusion centered on these things called “standards.” My wife has ’em; I don’t.

To my wife, no matter how physically attractive and naked, a man had to meet a certain level of let’s call it “non-skankiness” to be interesting. Despite (once) having a fairly attractive outer shell, naked Charlie Sheen could never be an object of lust since he’s a self-destructive, addlepated whore-mongering tool. Nor could a pantsless Peyton Manning because, as a member of the Indianapolis Colts, he is steeped in evil.

Whereas I’m a guy, which means I’m attracted to virtually any naked woman, no matter what her race, color, political affiliation, police record, or indeed personal skankiness — assuming she achieves a minimal level of physical comeliness. And an undressed Lindsay Lohan certainly meets those criteria. So do the Bush daughters, for that matter. And Leni Riefenstahl.* And even that horse-faced mean-spirited trull Ann Coulter (a little†), if she were naked.

My wife then declared me insane and offered to get me a cup of warm milk and a comfortable strait-jacket, saying it was clear to her that I shouldn’t be let out of the house ever again, for my own safety as much as for the well-being of the world in general.

I responded in kind, and after much banter and loving repartee we left the issue unsettled, each convinced the other was crazy.

Which is exactly how it should be in a happy marriage, don’t you think?

“Werewolf Women of the SS” is a remake of a fairly-unsuccessful Frank Capra WWII propaganda film.


*Just kidding! Most guys I know draw the line at Nazi chicks.**

**Except for the “Werewolf Women of the SS” who are totally hawt.

†This is nothing I’m proud of. In my defense I still hate Coulter’s guts and hope she gets eaten by a gang of rabid honey-badgers on the set of “The O’Reilly Factor.” Is it so bad to want her to be naked when it happens?


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7 Responses to “Lindsay Lohan: The Naked Truth”

  1. Alan Edwards Says:

    As a fellow married man, all I can say is, “Perfectly put.”

  2. davidwallacefleming Says:

    You might have played the, “But-She’s-A-Redhead” card.

  3. Triumph of the Skanks Says:

    Let the record show that Leni Riefenstahl was in fact a hot dancer and actress in her youth, before she became Hitler’s favorite director. In fact, her early films (as actor), in the truly German genre of mountain-climbing romances, are actually worth seeing.

    When she was 90, she offered to pose for Playboy, which did not agree. However, I believe that she did appear in a special issue of Penthouse.

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      So what you’re saying is that you found her alluring in the years before the war? What changed? Her support for the annexation of the Sudetenland?

  4. Triumph of the Skanks Says:

    Sad update: Lohan’s spread for Playboy is said to be “tasteful.”

    Another opportunity missed…

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