Sobering News


As my tens of loyal readers know, I have recently been laid low by a persistent infection following some belly surgery gone slightly awry. While I’m mostly fine now, I am still unable to do much work around the house, which means that my lovely wife has been busting her chops trying to keep the ol’ homestead together without my assistance. That she hasn’t killed me yet is testament to her patience and strength.

My wife is far too good for me. Just sayin.

Because of alleged dangerous interactions* between alcohol and the antibiotics I’m taking, I am also forbidden to drink. This forces me to view the world around me with dangerous sobriety. That is no way to face the news of the day.

Herman Cain’s Rude Gesture Problem

As you’ve no doubt heard by now, the fine news organization Pro Publica has pooped out a story alleging “inappropriate behavior” by Herman Cain during the 1990s, when he was head of the National Restaurant Association. Allegedly, two (or more) women complained of “sexually suggestive behavior by Cain that made them angry and uncomfortable,” and they “accepted financial payouts to leave the association.”

In response, Herman Cain waffled and gabbled for a couple of days, first denying all knowledge, then denying selective knowledge, then lying, and then blaming the Liberal Elite Media for muck-raking. As it turns out, the info was dug up and leaked by either a Rick Perry minion or a Mitt Romney servitor, nobody knows for certain.

Now everybody in the Republican Party is throwing mud at everybody else and the media and punditry are having a big, satisfying scandalgasm. Meanwhile, Barack Obama has been spotted doing the Snoopy Dance in the Lincoln Bedroom.

I find this all extremely irritating. Long before this junk came to light, I disliked Herman Cain for his crappy ideas. These included a bogus tax scheme designed to cut taxes to the wealthy, raise taxes on the poor and generally pauperize the country, as well as a hilarious plan to put up a big electrified Mexican-zapping fence on the country’s southern border, patrolled no doubt by “sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads.”

"And we'll bury families of radioactive weasels UNDER the fence to keep the Mexicans from digging tunnels!"

Cain also famously said that the poor should blame themselves for not being rich (in a country with over 9% unemployment, mind you), and recently stated his fear that China was “developing nuclear capability” (which they’ve had since the ‘60s).

So where was the “lame-stream media” when he was babbling this junk? Nowhere. They were too busy reporting on the horse race to point out that he was a dangerous crank — if not a total lunatic. But one lewd gesture, one inappropriate “black walnut” comment twenty years ago and they’re all over him like piranhas on Michele Bachmann with a nosebleed.

Mind you, I don’t like sexual harassment any better than the next dude, but this guy is so grossly incompetent that he should have been laughed out of the presidential race months ago, long before this ancient scandal came to light.

Sheesh.

Ann Coulter Stands up for the Black Man

Did you watch the Daily Show on November 2, 2011? It contained one of the funniest bits of television I’ve ever seen, in which Donald Trump accuses Jon Stewart of racism and Ann Coulter boasts that the Conservatives’ blacks are better and blacker than the Liberals’ blacks. It’s almost impossible to describe how idiotically racist Mr. Trump and Ms. Coulter sound. It’s positively brilliant. It’s a long clip, but you should seriously check it out.

There is incontrovertible evidence that this woman is a total jerkwad. Why does she keep appearing on TV?

You have to wonder why FOX lets either of these clowns appear on their network. I suspect that Rupert Murdoch is suffering from advanced syphilis, but I have no facts to back that up. It just feels right, you know?

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*Vomiting, disorientation, diarrhea, and death.  Like going to a Justin Beiber concert.

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7 Responses to “Sobering News”

  1. Alan Edwards Says:

    Facing the Endless Election Cycle sober is a terrifying thought. I am fairly certain it will also cause vomiting, disorientation, diarrhea, and death.

    I am amazed at the hours of breathless coverage and non-stop contemplation of the possibility of any of those clearly incompetent and incoherent candidates actually winning an election. Then again, Sarah Palin is now apparently an expert on all of these things too. Excuse me while I simultaneously vomit and soil myself in my disorientation.

  2. Natasha @The City Slacker Says:

    Well done, Anne Coulter!

  3. Persistent infection Says:

    The real tragedy is that after all that surgery, they failed to successfully remove your belly. If you ever enter politics, the best you can hope for is governor of New Jersey.

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      You forget that our ancestral family hunting grounds were named “Doodyhead”. Having inadvertently insulted all of the doodyhead voters in New Jersey, I’d never win.

  4. shil Says:

    On a bad day, I watch Fox News for fun. Its hilarious what they think people will believe.

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