Juice-Box Full of Goo


We interrupt our nonstop Live 24-Hour Action Team coverage of Nancy Grace’s nipple-slip on Dancing With the Stars to discuss the upcoming minor yet gross surgical procedure I’m having tomorrow, Wednesday.

To summarize the long and tortured path which has led me to this point: A year ago I got this tumor in my belly-fat (a substance with which I am amply blessed). The tumor was removed, leaving behind a cavity in said belly-fat. Instead of healing closed, this cavity filled up with some kind of noxious fluid, becoming a hard, eggplant-shaped pain in my side.

This “juice-box full of goo” as I fondly like to think of it obstructs my ability to sleep on my side, makes it difficult to tie my right shoelace, and starts to ache after a few hours of sitting at a desk and typing like a madman, which is my wont. My surgeon thought that it would eventually heal up, but it’s been a year and it’s still there, so I’ll be suing her later.

Noms!

Tomorrow I go JHU’s Kimmel medical center and get naked, then some dude I’ve never met will drug me up and stick a drain into my “seroma” (Latin for “juice-box full of goo”) and suck the liquid out. The drain will stay in my belly until the thing heals up, dripping effluvia into some kind of nasty receptacle taped to my side. I’ll let you look at it for a dollar. I’ll let you avoid looking at it for two dollars.

I am not real enthused about the procedure, but I do look forward to tying my right shoelace again and typing like a maniac without discomfort. JHU is a good facility, except for all the MRCA and sick people everywhere. Also, my wife has promised me ice cream after the surgery.

I apologize for the interruption. We now resume Live 24-Hour Action Team coverage of the Nancy Grace nipple-slip. Trauma councilors are standing by.

Cheryl Burke did not have a nipple-slip on DWTS...

Elisabetta Canalis didn't have a nipple-slip on DWTS...

Nancy Grace had a nipple-slip on DWTS. I ask you.

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4 Responses to “Juice-Box Full of Goo”

  1. Me Says:

    Oddly enough you issues from your juice box of goo, sound very similar to those from my back issues. Maybe it is all in your back after all. Either way, I am going for the $2.00 option you are offering.

  2. Synergy Says:

    Did you know that NYU also has a Kimmel center? But this is a student center with a performing arts facility. If the two Kimmel centers could be combined, you could have drains inserted into your abdomen while watching the touring company of Cats perform. Or, if you prefer Yemeni throat-dancing troupes, we could arrange that, but you’d have to wait until November. I believe the private boxes/ORs are sold out, but there are some very nice gurneys in the orchestra still waiting for a ticket-buyer.

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