Garden of Earthly Delights?


I’m digging a new vegetable garden in my side yard. The old garden was kinda far away, which led to a certain amount of neglect over the course of the summer — out of sight, out of mind, and that — so my wife and I decided to relocate it.

I started work today. The first step is to mark out a vaguely square area, then take off the grass with a shovel. Later,  I’ll rent a deadly piece of heavy machinery known as a “roto-tiller” and stir the dirt up, removing the rocks and body parts I discover and adding in some horse poo for fertilizer. (We have plenty; want some?)

The Author's Back Yard

Then we’ll put up deer netting, plant some tomaters, herbs and beans, and try to remember to water and weed it a couple of times over the summer. Maybe we’ll even eat some stuff from it. Stranger things have happened.

But first I need to dig out the sod, and it’s hard, nasty work, especially since I’m old and fat and recovering from surgery and radiation treatment over the winter. Who the hell gains weight during radiation treatment? I thought it was supposed to make you pale and interesting, not red and wobbly. Bastards.

So it’s slow going, but I shall persevere. (Mostly because I have no choice. But still, it’s pretty heroic, don’t you think?)

I’ve discovered that thinking up nasty things to Tweet about Congress makes the work go easier. So over the course of the day I would dig and sweat, come up with two or three nasty insults, Tweet ’em during a break, then go back to work. The day just flew by. On the likely theory that you weren’t one of the twelve guys who read my Tweets, here’s a sample:

Congress Tweets from Today’s Dig:

Upon retirement Congress to get high-paying job as lobbyist for industry it currently oversees. Congress sees nothing wrong with this.


Congress to pass law making it illegal to ask Congress where it was last night and why does it smell like a Turkish brothel.


Congress votes to make May “National Flossing Month” even though it hardly ever flosses.


Congress forgets nation’s birthday again and at last minute buys another cheesy US flag pin from Congressional gift shop.


Nation dreads looming “you’re too old to drive” argument as Congress hits another damned jogger. “And this one’s a lawyer.”


Congress makes fool out of itself with intern at office Christmas party. Again.


Fighting “the Man”

After publishing these gems, I discovered that FaceBook limits the number of posts it’ll accept in a day, and virtually none of my Tweets made it onto my profile. So screw ’em: I’m publishing them here.

Show FaceBook what you think of their fascistic attack on free speech and tell all of your friends to check out this blog. Otherwise it’s gonna be a long, hot summer for Yours Truly.

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One Response to “Garden of Earthly Delights?”

  1. Paul Murphy Says:

    Incidentally, I always “Like” my posts and give them five stars.

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