How Can I Work With These Constant Interruptions?

Look. I’m trying to finish my chicken coop, all right? How can I possibly get anything done with all of these interruptions?

Fox and Boobs

For instance, while browsing my friends’ FaceBook feeds this afternoon I was appalled to discover a link to a story stating that Fox and Friends and Glenn Beck are still blatantly lying about the Obama health care plan. You know, the usual crap: there will be death panels, the plan will result in a British-style healthcare system, yada yada, despite the fact that all of these canards have been thoroughly debunked by every credible expert. Amazing, isn’t it?

I mean, really. Healthcare is so six months ago: Shouldn’t they be blatantly lying about Obama’s energy plan or financial reform plan by now? So what gives? What are our right-wing-nut news organizations coming to, anyway?

Many Americans get their news and political opinions from this program. (I just watch it for the hot wings.)

Hmm. Maybe Fox & Friends should spend a little more time making up fresh bullshit about our president and a little less time chatting up Hooters Girls, don’t you think? Hey, Doocy: you’re old enough to be these girls’ really creepy grandfather, quit glomming their ample chestal regions and get back to poisoning our minds already, willya?

Meanwhile, in other important news, there’s this wonderful story, which my wife pointed out to me while I shoulda been working on coop-flap hinges and sweating like a bastard.

Frozen Mouse Corpse Recall

Were you aware that a company called “Mice Direct” has issued a recall of millions of frozen dead mice? Seriously. I am not making this up.

See, wacko exotic pet enthusiasts often keep hundreds of mice corpses in their freezer to feed to their creepy reptiles, snakes and siblings. Most are supplied by this one company, “Mice Direct.” Well, hundreds of thousands of the crunchy little frozen reats are totally contaminated with salmonella and are being recalled.

Apparently the snakes themselves aren’t bothered by the contamination (perhaps because they’re SNAKES!), but the owners can catch it from the frozen mice, the infected snakes, or just from handling the snakes’ poop. And it can make ’em really really unhappy or even dead. 

Let this be a lesson to you all: under no circumstances should you ever handle AN’Y snake poop (unless you’re playing FrontierVille and you need it to finish a collection). It’s just nasty.

And finally, a pal emailed me this little nugget of wonderfulness, involving important questions of religion, intolerance, and ’80s wacking material.

“I’m Shocked to Find that Gambling is Going on in Here!”

For those of you young punks in the audience, some twenty or thirty years ago novelist Anne Rice wrote a buncha semi-naughty vampire novels which made her extremely rich. She also wrote a buncha fantasy-based more blatantly erotic wacking material under a pseudonym. (Or so I’m told. I’ve never heard of them.)

Eventually Rice ran out of stuff to say and totally stopped being relevant (though she kept churning out naughty and uninteresting novels). Then, ten years ago, she returned to Catholicism, writing a book about her deep spiritual conversion that nobody read because she was irrelevant and also because the book probably didn’t have any porn in it.

Well, some ten years have passed, and Ms. Rice has just announced that she is once again leaving Christianity because of shocking secret flaws in that religion that she’s just discovered – viz., that Catholicism is “anti-gay,” “anti-feminist,” “anti-science” and “anti-Democrat.”

Really? You found this out after only ten years? Amazing. You must be some kind of Jane Bond or something. I look forward to your future discoveries on the shape of the world and whether cigarettes are good for you.

Nice try, Anne, but you’re still totally irrelevant. See you in another decade.

Anne Rice in happier days. (All right: it's not. It's actually a picture of Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, who might be a lapsed Catholic too but who doesn't make such a goddamned big deal of it.)


So there’s another afternoon blown brooding over this idiotic nonsense when I could be outdoors working on chicken chutes and nesting boxes. If large chunks of humanity keep acting like idiots (and you all keep telling me about it!) I could be stuck in front of my computer all summer. And then where will my chickens be?

Actually, on second thought, keep it up. It’s frickin’ hot out: the damned chickens can wait until fall.


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5 Responses to “How Can I Work With These Constant Interruptions?”

  1. ImFromJersey Says:

    Doocy’s like a male Sarah Palin -airhead. Somebody writes something, winds him up and he delivers, while occasionally attempting to throw in some comment of his own. At which point Gretchen Carlson’s mouth usually drops open in shock/horror/disgust/amazement or amusement.

    Having only recently found it, I enjoy your blog. But for some reason the homeless chickens disturb me.

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      Wow. Thanks. Can I ask you how you found my blog? Most people find it when I stand over their shoulder and say, “Click there. No, there, dammit! Here, give me the frickin mouse…”

      • ImFromJersey Says:

        I was tag surfing after writing a post late the other night, caught the paragraph slamming Doocy and Fox, and kept reading. Had to get the backstory on the chickens after that :). Oh yeah, Elvira caugh my attention too.

  2. wrekehavoc Says:

    i am beginning to think that the people on Faux News are animatronic thingies all controlled by Rupert Murdoch. it explains a lot, if you think about it.

    in other news, who’s anne rice? 😉

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      Anne Rice owns/owned a number of rather cool houses in the Garden District in New Orleans. She got them by peddling smut, which I can only admire.

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