Attention: Walmart Readers

As long as I’m on a reading kick, I might as well continue with a report on a recent literary excursion.

I was in WalMart today, picking up some festive July 4th sundries — paper plates, cups, tiki torches and baconaisse — when I happended upon their book section. In the mood for some light reading, I checked out the selection. It contained I shit you not the following: 40 teen vampire novels, 3 books recently made into chick movies, and Glenn Beck’s new novel. Oh yeah, and 20 bibles.  It may have had a couple of romance novels too, but that was it. Unable to decide, I instead poured lighted sterno into my eyes.

Can somebody please tell me what the hell is up with all of these teen vampires? Hell, they’re not even REAL vampires! Real vampires burst into flame in sunlight, modern teen vampires apparently just get all sparkly. Haven’t these frickin’ authors seen that fine documentary series, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer?” Vampires are not sensitive, depressed, angst-ridden young lovers: they’re sociopathic blood-suckers. And they know kung fu.

Natalie Portman has signed to star in the upcoming movie, "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies." (No, seriously.) Here she is posing with a horrified Hillary Clinton, who's desperately trying to figure out how to get her the hell out of town before Bill sees her chestal region and goes into Vulcan hormonal overdrive.

Coincidentally, the other day I ambled into Borders Books. It too contained many sensitive vampire novels, plus a growing number of monster/Penguin Classics mashups — “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,” “Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters,” “Android Karenina,” etc., etc. Great, just great. Here I was working on my own monster mashup novel, “Moby Dick Cheney,” and these bastards are flooding the market. Why I oughta…


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One Response to “Attention: Walmart Readers”

  1. Nosferatu Says:

    I think you have missed the obvious point of Walmart’s selection. Who is most likely to read all those zombie novels? Duh… other zombies! For too long, zombies have been ignored by the mainstream publishing industry (or, should I say, “light-lovers”?). Now that this historic injustice is being addressed, you mortals are whining. And, it goes without saying, Walmart is the favorite shopping place for zombies, and all other budget-minded immortals.

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