I Can’t be Tamed


In the list of things that I don’t care about, whether or not Miley Cyrus is too young to dress like a bimbo is right up there at the top. It’s big news on the entertainment shows and clogging the tubes of the Interweb, along with what is going to happen to the short dead black guy’s body. Which I also don’t care anything about a lot, so much so in fact that I can’t remember his name.

Children are the future!

Gary Coleman.  That’s him. The little creepy dude who was in that show. I don’t care at all what happens to his body, as long as I don’t have to keep tripping over the blasted thing. Make up your mind and get it out of here already, willya?

I also don’t give a rat’s ass about BP executives making idiotic remarks about “the little people” and suchlike. They’re goddamned foreigners, so what can you expect? I do care that they get the leak plugged and pay through the eyeballs to clean up their mess, but they can say any damned fool thing they want as long as they keep writing the checks.

I also don’t care if President Obama looks angry enough. That’s entirely unimportant to me. I do care that the Federal response to the catastrophe seems slow and disjointed, and that nobody has convinced me that we’ll be better able to handle the next such disaster that occurs (and there will be another one, you betcher). I totally care about that − to the extent that it makes me kinda nauseous to think about it.

But that leaves me little room to care at all about Miley Cyrus, Gary Coleman, or that Julianne Hough is going to star in the “Footloose” remake.

What?

Hang on a second. Julianne Hough is cute as a bug. Why the hell is she appearing in yet another bogus remake of another lame ’80s entertainment title? Julianne, you’re wasting your talents here!

Julianne Hough would look great in harem pajamas.

You should be appearing in a remake of “I Dream of Jeannie,” which is a brilliant ’60s entertainment title featuring a scantily-clad bimbette eager to fill her master’s every wishes. You’d be totally hot as Jeannie.

But I digress.

Miley Cyrus, you go girl! You’re a star and almost 18 years old, by which time your 15 minutes of fame will almost certainly be over, thank God. In the meantime, dress however you like. I just don’t care.

Julianne, call me.

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5 Responses to “I Can’t be Tamed”

  1. Preston Says:

    First of all, you forget that there was a masterpiece remake of I Dream of Jeannie starring Ms. Botox herself Nicole Kidman. How could you forget the dramatic piece of artistry she and Well Farrell produced? It’s right in between Deer Hunter and Grapes of Wrath as some of the best celluloid produced by the good ole U.S. of A.

    As for Miley, I agree, let an 17/18 year enjoy her career and hopefully not let it cave in like the Lindsey/Brittneys of the world. My kids love her music and that is basically the point of stardom, make a few hits, sell a few tickets and get on the cover of Maxim once in a while. Please, don’t let any of the cover models stop doing that. It’s a right of passage.

    As for the Deep Horizon oil spill, I can’t even comment, it makes me vomitous. I feel for Flipper and his family.

  2. Paul Murphy Says:

    Sorry, no. That was a horribly botched remake of Bewitched, starring Elizabeth Montgomery, a woman for whom I had different but equally strong feelings for during my youth. Someone still needs to totally bitch up a remake of I Dream of Jeannie, which was easily as stupid as The A Team but which had way more submissive women with big gazongas in it.

  3. Preston Says:

    Ah, yes, I got my witch/jeannie tv specials mixed up. Too many Darrens threw me off. I think I dream of Jeannie could become quite a movie if directed by David Lynch, starring any starlet you desire, with a soundtrack by Brian Eno during his miminalist days. Even better would be some chalk board screaching instrumental by Philip Glass. The plot of the story would be Jeannie is stolen while in the bottle by a tweaked out Gary Oldman who tortures Jeannie (I’ll go with Jessica Simpson dressed in some goth updated genie costume). She slimmed down to 87 pounds wanting to one up Christian Bale in his Insomniac role. The part played by Larry Hagman would go to Daniel Day Lewis who’s job is as a Violin maker who is so obsessed he decides to tattoo his entire body in Mozart snippets from the Magic Flute. Daniel finally gets a hold of Gary Oldman and chains him in the basement of his manor house where he releases Jeannie to do untold damages to his mind by setting him on fire over and over again. Jeannie feels vindicated and she and Daniel Day Lewis end up growing magic mushrooms together in wedded bliss.

  4. Preston Says:

    Was the Philip Glass piece a bit over the top? 🙂

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