Idiots on Parade!


Not that I’m judging or anything, but it seems to me that most people are idiots.

For instance, all of the people fighting over Gary Coleman’s body are idiots and should not be allowed to reproduce. And so are the people who text while driving on I83 south during my morning commute. Don’t they have any idea how crappy a driver I am before I’ve had my coffee? Pay attention, you morons!

The late Gary Coleman and his lovely ex-wife on Divorce Court a few years back. That's who I'd want disposing of my mortal remains, you betcher!

And the fans at the World Cup in South Africa ruining their hearing with the vuvuzela are idiots. Not because they’re tooting those deafening horns, but because they enjoy watching soccer. And the French players who are blaming the vuvuzelas for their lousy performance? They’re totally idiots.*

As I’m writing this, The Real Housewives of New Jersey is on in the background. Clearly everyone on that show is an idiot, as is everybody who watches it – me too. I’m getting stupider by the second. Can somebody, anybody, please tell me why those women stand that way – you know, kinda sideways with their bosoms thrust out aggressively while simpering? They look like incompetent ‘ho’s. The show is horribly fascinating, in a “Ooo, a car accident: let’s slow down!” kind of way. Gosh, I can actually feel the IQ draining out of my earholes.

Real Housewives of NJ. Why DO they stand like that, anyway?

If I keep this up, soon I’ll start criticizing President Obama for not looking angry enough about the Gulf Oil spill while still insisting that we don’t need a moratorium on deep-water drilling. And then I’ll agree that closing the grotesquely-unfair Hedge Fund Manager tax loophole is akin to Stalinism. And then maybe I’ll be ready to go see The A-Team.

On second thought, forget The A-Team. I may be an idiot, but I’m not stupid.

The Word of the Day

Recently I have been accused of using the word “noisome” too often in this column, an accusation I find noxious, harmful, and offensive to the senses.  I totally reject that foul, odorous, slimy sludgy characterization. It’s just plain…

Now what’s that word I’m looking for?

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*And whiny babies too.

 

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3 Responses to “Idiots on Parade!”

  1. Noisome Nose Says:

    Try using the word “fulsome” instead. It doesn’t mean anything similar, but your readers will enjoy objecting to that too. That is, if they can take their eyes off the the Jersey Shore.

  2. Noisome Nose Says:

    You missed another example of why all people are idiots. On the news, I just saw that dozens of people went to Times Square at sundown, in order to do Yoga, BECAUSE IT IS THE SUMMER SOLSTICE! Yes, that is just what the druids did at Stonehenge at the summer solstice, and they also all brought their own leotards and rolled-up mats.

  3. sher Says:

    those ladies are not from down the shore. i am. and i can tell you that we shore natives laff at those people. oh, we laff at the cast of MTV’s jersey shore as well. hell, we laff at anyone who isn’t really from there, know what i’m sayin?

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