Sheep Strategy?

So I walk into work this morning and my producer says to me, “We need you to bang out some sheep strategy right away.”

“What” I respond, as anybody would, especially before he’s finished his coffee, “the hell are you talking about?”

“The designer added sheep to the game last night. You need to write strategy text for ‘em.”

Sheep strategy. Uh huh.

It’s times like this that I begin to wonder about my life choices. I’m a writer at a game company, see, and I have to create rules and strategy text about the elements in the game. When the designer adds new stuff, I write about it. Today was the deadline for a lot of this text to go get translated for the foreign release of the product, so the designer has been trying to cram in as much content as possible. Let’s just say that it’s been kind of a tough week.

Meanwhile, my brother, a professor at an Important University in New York City, just got a big promotion. And as far as I can tell, he never has to “bang out sheep strategy” under a hot deadline. The odd NSA grant, sure, but to my knowledge his work hardly ever involves ruminants of any kind.

Why, I sometimes wonder, didn’t I become a Big Important Professor in NYC like my brother?

I picture him striding manfully around a Psych 101 classroom, dispensing wisdom to the dozens of Megan Fox lookalike coeds gazing up at him adoringly, then heading off to a leisurely dinner at one of Mario Batali’s restaurants followed by an evening of cool jazz at a Village club, sipping single-malt scotch and exchanging witty banter with Mayor Bloomburg and the late Truman Capote.

I'd like to state for the record that Megan Fox IS NOT dating my brother. As far as I know.

Meanwhile I’m pounding out desperate mounds of game text and stealing cold pizza from the artist’s luncheon meeting.

Don’t get me wrong. Generally I’m quite satisfied with my career path. I work on lots of interesting stuff and in general my co-workers are quite talented and fun to hang around with. I earn a pretty good living too.

But honestly: Sheep strategy? Okay, so maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere.

On the other hand, there are some good things about living in a farm deep in Pennsylvania, rather than, say, in a big rent-controlled apartment with high ceilings and a doorman in the Village. For instance, in addition to being married to a hot babe who cooks me kickass meatballs when I’m stressed, I do have a chainsaw.

My brother doesn’t have a chainsaw. Nuh uh. When he gets pissed, he maybe gets to ruin a student’s career or undertip his sommelier, while I get to dismember dead trees with a frickin’ chainsaw, bitches! Damn! Talk about therapeutic!

You know what? I’m totally gonna bring the chainsaw into work on Monday, too. I’d like to see somebody give me an assignment to write emu strategy when I’ve got a real-live chainsaw sitting in the corner.

Gosh, I guess I have had a wonderful life, after all!*



 *Look! Zuzu’s petals!


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6 Responses to “Sheep Strategy?”

  1. Brian Says:

    10 EAT
    20 POOP
    40 GOTO 10

    There you go! Sheep strategy!

  2. Your brother Says:

    This is your brother. Due to your total lack of interest in my actual career, I must inform you that I have done a number of studies on how people understand phrases such as “sheep strategy.” I think I can say without contradiction that no current theory explains the interpretation that you give for it. I hope you’re happy now. Scientists work and suffer to try to explain the rich panoply that is the human mind, and then you destroy all their work in one fell blow… simply for a dumb game. Fine.

    By the way, Megan Fox is even hotter in person, as are all the other students in my classes! Eat THAT, game boy!

  3. Your brother Says:

    Also, please be informed that being named department chair is NOT a promotion. It is a job given for a particular term–not a permanent change in one’s position. Being named department chair is a promotion just as much as it is for a character in a movie to be told, “Congratulations! You’ll be dropped behind enemy lines to try to rescue a sarcastic nun played by Roseanne Barr or perhaps Eddie Murphy.”

    In fact, it is almost like someone working for a game company being told, “Great news! You’ve been named Vice-President in charge of Sheep Strategy! There’s only a tiny pay cut involved!”

    Congratulations on your promotion, by the way.

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      “Not a promotion.” Really. And yet you admit that you’re vacationing in a fancy chalet in Vermont in May, when you should be grading papers or performing dubious psychological experiments on freshmen like any normal professor. Explain that, Dr. “I work three months a year and get paid for twelve,” why don’t you?

      • Your brother Says:

        I am not on vacation. I am here for an excellent reason that I cannot describe in this forum, but it does have to do with sheep.

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