Of Boobs and Men

Things have been pretty lively around here, what with the Kate Hudson boob controversy and all. It started the other day while my wife was mucking about on her computer, scanning the AOL gossip stories (though she vehemently denies it).

“Did you know that Kate Hudson has had a boob job?” my wife asked me, incredulously. “It’s all over the Internet.”

My first response was a brief instant of guilty fear, like any normal man whose wife suddenly brings up another woman’s breasts would feel. What had I done wrong? Had she seen me looking at Kate Hudson’s breasts? Had Kate Hudson complained that I had groped her breasts? What did Kate Hudson’s breasts have to do with me? But after second’s consideration I decided that it was unlikely that I was at fault here: my wife wasn’t using The Tone. She was outraged, yes, but not at me.

Kate Hudson. Now why would a professional Hollywood actress want bigger boobs? It's totally mysterious!

“Who,” I asked her, showing my encyclopedic knowledge of modern pop culture, “is Kate Hudson?”

At this point we began what I like to call “The Middle-Aged Memory Dance.” We do it all the time.

“You know,” my wife said, “that actress. She was in that treasure-hunting movie with that man.”

“What man?” I replied, brightly.

“The handsome dude with the muscles. He was in that lawyer movie with that black actor we like.”

“Who? Will Smith?” I guessed, naming one of the three black actors I can ever remember the name of.

“No!” she cried, exasperated, “The ‘Snakes on the Plane’ guy. You know!”

“Oh, Sam Jackson!” I exclaimed with relief.

With someplace to start, I began to unravel the mystery. Let’s see: Sam Jackson was in a lawyer movie with ‘some handsome dude with muscles’… oh, sure, Matthew McConaughey in “A Time to Kill.” Right. And now I dimly remember he was in some mediocre treasure hunting date movie with some perky blonde… who must be Kate Hudson! All is solved!

Except of course that by then I had totally forgotten what the hell we were talking about her for.

“She got a boob job!” my wife exclaimed in irritation. “She’s a perfectly beautiful actress with a great body, and she’s gone and gotten a boob job!” She looked at me accusingly as if it were my fault somehow.

As a big fan of women’s boobs, I gave this due consideration and then answered in the only way I could. “She must be crazy,” I said, my voice brimming with disapproval. “What the hell is she thinking?”

Satisfied, she moved on to other topics and I emerged from the perilous shoals of discussing actresses’ perky breasts with my wife unscathed. This time, at least.

Still I couldn’t help brooding on the subject. Why all the kerfuffle? Who cares whether Kate Hudson gets her boobs done or not? And how big are her boobs, anyway? Time for some research. Checking to make sure that my wife was safely on the phone, I sprang into action.

After googling up images of the scantilily-clad starlet to become familiar with the topic at hand, a quick query on the Internet told me what I already knew: the best place to learn about celebrity breasts is The Huffington Post, a web site which mixes ultra-liberal politics with pictures and stories about the boobs of the Rich and Famous.

Once there, I read a stirring blog on the subject by Paulina Porizkova, in which she asked why Kate isn’t happy the way she is? Why does she need to fix her imperfections to fit some unattainable ideal? Wouldn’t the world be an unhappy place if we all looked the same? Where do women get these ideas, plaintively asked the shockingly beautiful and perfectly-built supermodel whose flawless face and marvelous figure have earned her millions during her long and successful modeling career.

Food for thought indeed, and once I stop choking on Ms. Porizkova’s chutzpa I will give it due consideration.

Noted feminist Paulina Porizkova thinks you shouldn't worry about your body image. After all, she doesn't.

Look. I’m a sophisticated man of the world. I’ve lived a long and interesting life and let me tell you, there are literally hundreds of women out there who’ve never asked me my opinion about their boobs – and really, Kate Hudson is just one more. But if she ever does ask me, I’ll say, “Go for it, Kate! It’s your body and to hell with whatever anybody else thinks!”

Unless my wife is listening, in which case I’ll curl into a fetal ball and quiver until everybody goes away.


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4 Responses to “Of Boobs and Men”

  1. Anon. Says:

    My wife is at her yoga session, so I can safely say that I am not convinced that Kate Hudson HAS had implants. And why would a successful, good-looking actress who gets plenty of parts *want* to? If you’re already successful, any change to your body is more likely to make things worse than better. It’s more likely that she put on 10 pounds, wore a different outfit, was photographed from a different angle, etc.

    Of course, Madonna has shown just how you can keep renewing yourself via plastic surgery. She is a role model for many young women today, especially if they want to look like a low-rent sex robot from a 1980s sci-fi picture when they’re 50.

    Oops, the car’s in the driveway! Switching to the business section of the Times.

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      You’re forgetting the Meg Ryan effect. Perky, successful actress begins to age, fears she’s losing the ingenue parts and in response has her lips blown up to Mick Jagger size. She looked like my grandmother did after she was blasted across the room during an oven explosion in the Weston Priory kitchen (except that Grandma also lost her eyebrows in the blast).

      Just be glad nothing similar ever happened to anybody in YOUR family.

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