The Headless Bunny Rides Again!


I suppose eventually I’m going to have to discuss the whole “headless bunny” issue, no matter how unpleasant it may be.

This is one of those things that doesn’t make it into the heartwarming stories about life on the farm or about the deep bond that people form with their beloved pets, but our cat is a murderous sociopath who likes to dismember bunnies and leave the headless torsos on the front porch. My wife claims that the kitty does it out of love, to share her tasty dinner with us, but I think it’s because she likes to see the expression of my face when I put my foot down on something dead and squishy first thing in the morning.

Psycho Kitty -- Qu'est-ce Que C'est?

We call this cat “Kittens,” a name that was cute when we first got her but seems less appropriate since she’s grown up and turned evil. My wife rescued Kittens from the sewer many years ago and Kittens has shown her gratitude by hating my wife’s guts ever since. I on the other hand absolutely did not want yet another goddamned pet, so naturally the Kittens adores me and insists on loving all over me at inappropriate times, like right now when I’m trying to finish this frickin’ blog.

(Say. What do you think the Kittens does with the bunny heads, anyway? Does she eat them? Or does she have a rented storage unit somewhere filled with hundreds of rabbit skulls in little jars of formaldehyde, like a feline Hannibal Lechter? Creepy.)

Speaking of squeaky annoyances, over the winter our barn became infested with mice, as pretty much all barns do when it gets cold out. Normally this is no big deal and they go away once it gets warm, but this year the mice seem to have multiplied to an alarming number and are showing no inclination to vamoose from their comfy digs. The other day we were feeding the horses and my wife picked up a bag of wood shavings, disturbing a nest containing something like 20 of the cute li’l critters. The mice scattered, about half of them making determined efforts to escape straight up her pants leg.

Now I admit that I shouldn’t have laughed, but in my defense, Tex started it.

This is Tex. He's much smarter than you or I.

Anyway, after the excitement died down my wife announced that I had to “get rid of the mice.” I tried to interest the Kittens in the job, but she just sneered and went off to kill something more useful to society. I suggested that we set one the dogs on them, but my wife looked at me as if I were insane. Wasn’t I aware that mouse urine contains some evil disease called “lepto” which is incredibly toxic to dogs? What the hell was I thinking? Duly chastened, I went out and bought some tasty rat poison, which appears to have done the job.

So that’s been my week – bunny body part disposal and barn vermin extermination. Oh well, at least the weather’s beautiful, and the heady scent of spring is in the air at last!

Or maybe it’s mouse urine.

Is this the life, or what?

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2 Responses to “The Headless Bunny Rides Again!”

  1. Two Problems? Says:

    Congratulations on solving your mouse problem. And when Kitten eats a sick mouse that ate the rat poison, that may solve your other problem….

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