Ask Mr. Victim

Mr. Victim is an expert on many things. You should believe everything he says.


Dear Mr. Victim:  We understand that you nearly decapitated yourself this weekend by tripping over a wire while carrying a rip-saw. Wouldn’t that be absolutely hilarious to watch over and over again in slo-mo?  Sincerely, Fans of “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

Dear Videos: It would have been even funnier if I had gotten hit in the crotch while falling. Unfortunately I only sustained bruising to non-crotch parts of my body, so, although quite terrifying at the time, it was at best a modest laff-riot.


Dear Mr. Victim: You stopped dismembering the pine tree shortly after your harrowing rip saw incident. Why? You’re covering up a serious, life-threatening non-crotch injury, aren’t you? Sincerely, Your Spouse

Dear Spouse: I am not. I uncovered a dove’s nest with two cute little baby birdies in it in the pine tree. I didn’t have the nerve to waste ’em — plus, you’d kill me stone dead — so I pretty much can’t touch that tree any more until they mature enough to go away or they otherwise disappear mysteriously. (Are you reading this, kitties?) I’ve moved onto the downed apple tree instead.

You can say what you want about Pope Benedict, but you must admit that his fashion sense is infallable.

Dear Mr. Victim: Doesn’t Pope Benedict XVI’s douche-like behavior completely debunk the “Papal Infallibility” doctrine? Can we stop pretending to believe that claptrap now? Sincerely, America’s Roman Catholics

Dear ARCs: It turns out that according to Church doctrine “Papal Infallibility” applies only to His Holiness’s proclamations on Church teaching or morals, as received from the Holy Spirit (the Ringo Starr of the Holy Trinity) through Divine Revelation. Such proclamations are always infallible. It doesn’t cover other aspects of His Holiness’s activities or even his non-divinely-revealed proclamations and managerial decisions as Pope. So Benedict XVI can totally protect the reputation of the Church at the expense of damaged children while remaining − again, according to Church doctrine − infallible.

Dominus vobiscum, baby.


Dear Mr. Victim: Did you read that in the Wikipedia?  Sincerely, Lazy Researchers Like You

Dear Lazy Researchers: Yes. Therefore it must be true. (Also, I checked the site, which backs this up. So bite me.)


Dear Mr. Victim: Didn’t US Congressman Hank Johnson (D. 4th District, Georgia) recently ask an American Admiral if adding additional US troops to the base on Guam might not cause the island to “tip over?” Isn’t that marvelous? Isn’t that the best thing you’ve ever heard? How did the Admiral keep from bursting out laughing? Sincerely, Every Humor Writer on the Planet

Dear Humor Writers: Clearly American Admirals are made of stern stuff. (Also, I assume that anybody who is going to meet Congressman Johnson is warned ahead of time that he is a complete tool and advised to keep a straight face no matter what moronic nonsense he spouts.)

Noted Idiot Hank Johnson (D, 4th Dist., Georgia)

Dear Mr. Victim: Apparently Georgia’s 4th district is populated by idiots who will vote for anybody who happens to wander by. Sincerely, The Rest of the World

 Dear World: Perhaps. But at least they’re voting for a Democratic moron. If Sarah Palin had said that, I’d be totally outraged, but since he’s a Democrat, I think it’s kinda cute, don’t you?


Well, that’s all the time we have today. Mr. Victim will be back real soon. Please feel free to write in with your questions and comments, which we’ll totally ignore and make up our own as usual.


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4 Responses to “Ask Mr. Victim”

  1. Susan Says:

    Doves are stupid.
    Evidently, so are our elected officials.
    I think we need to take that ripsaw to DC.

  2. John James Audubon Says:

    Well, you and your crotch were both lucky when you fell, because cutting down a tree with native bird nests in it would violate federal law*. No, really! And at that point, you might as well get a submachine gun and hunt baby seals from a helicopter with Sarah Palin, you murderer!

    *legally speaking

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      Apparently somebody hasn’t been paying attention to the story. The tree is already down! Sheesh. That’s why I’m dismembering it. Jeeze, keep up willya?

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