Dear Santa

Dear Santa:

I have been a very good boy this year (except maybe for that one thing and that really wasn’t my fault and in any case it probably won’t happen again what with the restraining order and all). Anyway, here’s my Christmas list. I think we can both agree that it’s actually quite reasonable.

Thanks in advance,

Paul Murphy


My Christmas List:

World peace

Osama Bin Laden’s head on a stick

A wheel of Vieux Boulogne (the world’s stinkiest cheese)

Dick Cheney’s man-sized safe (with Dick Cheney locked inside it with the cheese.)

A pound of Kopi Luwak (the Indonesian coffee that has passed through the intestinal track of a civit)

A Nancy Pelosi action figure with kung fu grip

A turbaconducken (a chicken stuffed in duck stuffed in a turkey wrapped in bacon)

Photographic evidence of Joe Lieberman engaged in a love triangle with Cindy McCain and the turbaconducken

A Nintendo Wii

A new back and wrists (so I can play with the Nintendo Wii without a trip to the emergency room)

An Iphone (with fart app)

Sarah Palin to be the next Republican presidential candidate (o please o please o please)

Glenn Beck to be her running mate

Meaningful healthcare reform

For all of the “Real Housewives” to be hit in the face with goat poop-filled pies

And the hosts of “Entertainment Weekly”

And “Fox and Friends”

And everybody who advertises products about adult incontinence, erectile dysfunction, and colon health while we’re trying to eat dinner

All of the troops safe, and home as soon as possible

And finally, of course, a hippopotamus!

Merry Christmas indeed.


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One Response to “Dear Santa”

  1. I'm Just Bloggin Says:

    Very good. You are always on strong ground with poop. (Well, only metaphorically speaking, actually.)

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